Saturday, December 24, 2005

They lost touch with their bleeding hearts

When did the world of television commercials become so odd? What started this revolution of obscurity? Have you noticed they are competing for a level of randomness everytime we go to commercial break? Even Jimmy Dean's sausage ads have left us scratching our heads. They used to have the leather-faced Dean smiling and butter knifing through those delicious patties. His eyes sparking like the morning sun through his syrup bottle. He was so content with that steaming hog he was about to consume and he had our stomachs grumbling when he left the screen. What do they have now? A dude wearing a "sun suit" who shows up in the family kitchen and eats breakfast. His ray's "raise" when Jimmy Dean sausage is served, and you have to wonder about the sexual implications. It's just not the same old warming Jimmy Dean smiling back at's simply randomness.
Who started the random commercial trend? It's very hard to pinpoint, but I would say that there are a few. Geico started making people swoon over a computer generated Gecko, and then they moved into the hilarious Caveman and reality show commercials. They mastered not even mentioning their product for more than 5 seconds, but pulled an audience in with their pop culture mash ups.
It's seems that Virgin mobile has taken it to a whole other level with their holiday "telethon" commerical. All those random characters such as a goat, wizard, gay elf, robot, and any other stereotype you can think of are answering phones. Nothing about the product but we are left with our chins on the floor cause we have just proclaimed, "What the FLETCH was that!"
These commercials drew inspiration from the Simpsons, who birthed the Family Guy, a show that has cornered the market on randomness. From left field is the new way to approach things. Generation Xers have seen it all before so killing us with kindness (Jimmy Dean) just isn't going to cut it anymore. We need to see something as random as the comments on an Urban Outfitters t-shirt. This trend of weirdness could shift back to the smiling old man promoting his product or things could just all become so odd that we don't even blink an eye next time. We wouldn't notice either way. Nothing ever changes and nothing is ever the same.


(MF Doom and Danger Mouse)

MF Doom might have propelled himself to the next nevel with this ludicrously infectious album, and Danger Mouse is simply a genius. This Adult Swim themed album is exactly what Swim showcases: a children's show remixed and reshaped into something that all age groups can shake their ass and minds too. MF rips through Mouse's beats like his mask is red hot, but it's the burn that feels good. Mouse's beat layering is the kind that makes you look in your rearview mirror to make sure their wasn't some ruckus happening on the road behind you. This album reminds me of OutKast's ATLiens because they are both soundtracks for intergalactic road trips.

Year of the Dragon or Tiger? NO WAY

2006 has started of great for my be the way...why? Because when I got in to work this morning the 4 foot 2 security guard came out of the bathroom shaking his head as I was walking into the office. I asked," What's wrong Reggie? He proclaimed, "I walked into the bathroom and someone left a shit floating in the toliet!" "OHH man", I relpy. He couldn't believe it. It was almost like someone left that shit in there for him be riddled with anguish after first glance. He then said, "Yeah man...not just some little terd...this shit was about as big as my ARM!" (Lifting his stubby arm into the sky) I laid down and asked for God to take me because I would have died in a state of uncontrollable laughter. There is no better sign that you are going to have a good year. This is the year of the arm lenghted poop for me...let's hope it's going to be a good one.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Come forward with whatever killed your spark

Tops of 2005

Albums for listening

Clap Your Hands Say Yeah (self titled)

Talking Heads warpaint is spattered across the body of this band especially through the voice of lead singer Alec Ounsworth. Some might use this is a criticism, but Modest Mouse takes cues from the Heads and I bet you like them too.

My Morning Jacket "Z"

Outstanding voice, outstanding sound, and touches every genre of music you can imagine....even country. Don't compare them to anyone because you can't. Jim James' voice can reduce you to rubble, but there is hope there. His haunting pipes call for songs about misery but if you listen closely he isn't sad at all.

Kanye West "Late Registration"

They claim you never know what you got 'til it's GONE
I know I got it, I don't know what y'all on
I'ma open up a store for aspiring MC's
Won't sell 'em no dream, but the inspiration is free
But if they ever flip sides like Anakin
You'll sell everything includin the mannequin
They got a new bitch now you Jennifer Aniston

While listening to these lyrics in my car I immediately drove into a ditch. There is honesty in his contradictions not to mention some ludicrous beats here. I don't see Kanye's fire burning out anytime soon.

BLOC PARTY "Silent Alarm"

An electric album that doesn't step into the dreaded EMO realm, but sometimes teeters along the "jaded kid who is never going to find love" vibe. Like My Morning Jacket's album you will be deceived by the content in the songs when you listen to or read the lyrics. LUNO (off the album) will have you thinking about the friend we all have that has been lost in the shuffle.

Quote of the Year:
50 Cent has praised President Bush saying he wants to meet him.
The views contradict those of the likes of Kanye West who accused Bush of not caring about black people in the wake of Hurricane Katrina.

Fifty said:

"He's incredible... A gangster. I wanna meet George Bush, just shake his hand and tell him how much of me I see in him."

Film for viewing:


We all know what a beast Philip Seymour Hoffman is, but Clifton Collins Jr. ,as convicted murderer Perry Smith, reminded me of one of the Lost Boy's from Peter Pan who strayed to far from the island. Hoffman is pretty much guaranteed an Oscar nomination for his portrayl of Capote, and will most likely win. He has been nominated for the Golden Globes' "Best Actor in a Drama" category. Collins hasn't garnered a golden globe nomination, but maybe the Oscars will look a little closer at his portrayl of a death row inmate who is painfully manipulated by Capote. The film details the lengths that Capote went through to write his classic "In Cold Blood", which was based on true events.

Collins' description of why he killed a family is eerily reminiscent of River Phoenix's description of how people perceived him when he was accused of stealing the milk money at his elementary school in the beautiful STAND BY ME. Phoenix's character in that film (CHRIS) talks about how he is labeled as a bad seed because of his social and familial status. He was the first one they looked to when the money was stolen from the school and they way people looked at him as a thief ripped his self confidence to shreds.

Chris: I just wish I could go someplace where nobody knows me. [He starts crying]

This is the famous quote from the film where Phoenix opens up to Wil Wheaton's character, Gordie, when all the other kids are sleeping. Collins' character, like Chris, is considered to be classed with the crumbs of society. In the film he admits that he didn't want to kill the people, while he was trying to rob them until he looked into the eyes of the father of the family.

Perry Smith: I thought that Mr. Clutter was a very nice gentleman. I thought so right up to the moment that I cut his throat.

He looked at him like he was nothing but a mere scrub...a stain who adds nothing to society.

Moments like these make movies ooze through your bones, and that moment is why films like Capote and Stand By Me will stay with the viewer for a while. If Capote is still showing near you check it out, and go rent or buy STAND BY ME.


Matt Lienhart :

Maybe the best college quarterback in the history of time. He explained in an interview that women are knocking on his door at all hours of the night. This dude could wear an eye patch, black jeans, a Cosby sweater with a turtleneck, rub a hoagie all over his body (inducing a horrible B.O. stench) and would still have no trouble with females. Without a doubt his cock is the cock of the year.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

All my lovely life I've been waitin' heels anticipatin'

Yes the Eagles got blown to bits last night by a Seattle team that has been soaring of late. Yes Mike McMahon is oddly reminiscent of a male cheerleader when he is scampering around the field. Yes the the fans are practicing their boos when they take a shower in the morning instead of their singing skills, but did anyone see the unintentional product placement in the game last night? This product placement began when the Eagles put in a high school junior at quarterback, Koy Detmer.
Koy has the symmetry of a basketball on top of a fridge when he walks out on the field. Does this guy need pop warner size shoulder pads? Not to mention his arms are about as thick as his fingers, and his first pass of the game last night hit the helmet of his own player causing an interception.
So as the game went on the unintentional product placement continued and it all became so clear that Koy Detmer was the model for the IRONMAN triathlon/watch symbol. Many of you might have owned one of the IRONMAN watches by Timex and we all know of the IRONMAN triathlon. Here are some examples: Note the M in the IRONMAN symbol? It looks like Koy Detmer when he has his pads on. He should be the official sponsor for IRONMAN instead of a third string QB. He would have to wear full pads if he were to do this, and could make some nice scratch after he retires as IRONMAN's mascot. Imagine Koy you could buy all the pairs of Wranglers you want if you took that job.

I haven't resorted back to my old movie poster fun, but I decided to bring out a classic.

WOW...doesn't this seem a little racist?

Wednesday, November 23, 2005


The New MJ

The Sixers aquired Forward Lee Nailon
this offseason, and he comes off the bench and does some dirty work for us when the starters are resting their pulsating lungs. He averaged a team high 14 points for the New Orleans Hornets last season so it was a good pickup, but he carries a ghost with him from last season. That would be the ghost of Philly's own Marc Jackson . Why does he carry this ghost around like Slimer driving the bus in Ghostbusters you might ask? Because he feels the need to shoot the second the fucking ball touches his hands. He is shooting 50% from the field but only averages about 13 mintues per game. This is not a bad thing, but would it decline with more minutes? Marc Jackson did it because he couldn't help it. Lee is different. He has the Carlton Banks syndrome.
Many of you might remember the episode of the Fresh Prince when Carlton was jealous of Will because he was dominating hardwood at their Bel Air Prep school. The real reason that Will was dominating was because he was playing on Michael J Fox's team from Teen Wolf, and on 8 foot rims.
ANYWAY... back to the fateful episode when Carlton predicted the career of Lee Nailon. Bel Air prep was playing their rivals, who looked like the team from HANG TIME (a saturday morning show on NBC in the 90's that was ludicrous because they were coached by Reggie Theus and a girl was their leading scorer) . The Hang Time team was a group of "John Stockons" because their shorts were revealing and they we wearing LA Gears.
The whole game Will is ball hogging and dunking on the Stockons like Pee Wee Kirkland in a prison leage game, but one person in that arena wasn't cheering. That person was Carlton. So with about 5 seconds on the clock Bel Air Prep is down by one and calls time. The play is called for Will of course. Carlton grimaces like Scottie Pippen when they told Kukoc to take the final shot.
The play begins, Will is at the top of the key with ball in hand, and low and behold it's stolen. Not by Hang Time, but by Carlton! Carlton rips the ball out of Will's hands and decides that he is going to take the final shot. Will raises his arms in astonishment as he watches what transpires. In the most unathletic fashion imaginable Carlton launches a bomb from the three point line. The ball doesn't even touch the backboard. It just bounces off the wall of the gym and dramatically falls to the floor. Uncle Phil is utterly disgusted in both of the boys as his fat head shakes above that sweater that was always hanging from his shoulders.
Lee Nailon has that Carlton look in his eye as soon as he checks in. One of these days he is going to run over to Kevin Ollie, rip the ball out of his hands and throw it against the scoreboard causing an shower of sparks to fall on the floor of the Wachovia Center. Bill Walton will be doing the game and say, "This is the SADDEST day in the NBAAAAAAA." Mo Cheeks will play Uncle Phil shaking his head in disgust as Kevin Ollie raises his arms in astonishment. I love this game.

Ms Jones sent this link:

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

I am just a dreamer but you are just a dream

"You won't see it comin' down my eye...So I gotta make the song cry"

You are like a hurricane
There's calm in your eye.
And I'm gettin' blown away
To somewhere safer
where the feeling stays.
I want to love you but
I'm getting blown away.

-Like a Hurricane by Neil Young

These are the type of lyrics that can knock you down if you aren't holding yourself up. Neil Young's beatifully haunting voice accentuates the feelings in these words when they rattle through your ear canal. Young has never been afraid to show us his vulnerability, and this song is a perfect example. All you need to hear or read is this chorus and Young's self doubt rings true. Men can be extrememly self conscious but never want to express or admit it. Of course you have groups like the Cure and Joy Division that had boys with eyeliner crying on each others shoulders, but Neil Young is more like the sad drifter. He isn't the jaded kid from the suburbs who made it as a rock star. He's a lonely cowboy who lets his songs do all the crying.
This woman he speaks of in this song is way out of his realm. He doesn't feel that he is up to par with this lady causing him to speak to her in such a tragically romantic way. He want's to love her, but she is just too much. Maybe he feels she is out of his league and that he would have trouble trusting her. Maybe she exudes confidence that he could never connect with. She has everything and he feels he has about half of what she gracefully carries.
We have all seen this woman from across the bar. Rapidly moving our eyes up to the television when she glances in our direction. Simply window shopping knowing that we can't afford the goods behind the glass.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

He talks about you in his sleep

The Moving Picture Show

Movies can move you just like any other art form, and there is always that one scene, quote, expression or song that will make the viewer vulnerable. Even if you don't necessarily like a film it can still be validated by that one special moment that makes your eyes well up a little. That one scene that makes you forget that there is a guy with a beret and one of those folding chairs with their names on it behind the camera. These moments are hard to pinpoint and vary from person to person, which makes them even more exhilirating. Here are some that have been dug up from my bottomless pit of a skull:

Fred Jung: Money isn't real, George. It doesn't matter. It only seems like it does.
Young George: Are you gonna tell Mom that?
Fred Jung: Yeah, that's gonna be a tricky one.

This is from BLOW, which I am not a huge fan of, but the father son relationship in this film gives me the chills every time I see it. George's allegiance to his father is unparalled and Fred Jung never harps on the fact that George makes his money off the vice's of others. Just the way he says it to young George will send shivers down to your toenails.

Frank White: How come you never came to see me?
Jump: Who wanted to see you in a cage, man?

This quote is from King Of New York, which is an extremely underrated early 90's urban crime film that without a doubt influenced Tarrantino and those who followed. Christopher Walken plays this Robin Hood of a drug dealer, who might be the coldest cat to ever be put on film. In this scene Frank's voice is filled with sincerity and anger and Jump pauses for a minute, and comes up with this sorry answer. Frank knows that Jump is selfish and this scene sets up the rest of the film and the relationship between the two.

Chas Tennenbaum: I've had a rough year Dad
Royal Tennenbaum: I know son...I know

This soul crushing quote is from The Royal Tennenbaums, and might be the most crucial line in the film. This is at the very end when everything comes together and Chas looses his shit right before this scene because his dog has just been run over by a drugged out Owen Wilson. Chas's relationship with his father is almost non existent up to this point, but when Ben Stiller delivers this line as his voice's all over.

Jim: I can't remember what my parents look like.

This line is from Empire of the Sun, which is Spielberg's most underrated film. This movie is about a boy who is a war prisoner, but lifts the spirits of the other detainees with this undying optimism. He recites this line at a breaking point when he realizes what his life has become. He isn't going to be back home eating dinner with Mom and Dad anytime soon, and that fact hits him square in the jaw. Christian Bale does a wonderful job portraying a child's percpetion of war. (In this film it is WWII)

Jim Kurring: I lost my gun today when I left you and I'm the laughingstock of a lot of people. I wanted to tell you. I wanted you to know and it's on my mind. And it makes me look like a fool. And I feel like a fool. And you asked that we should say things - that we should say what we're thinking and not lie about things. Well, I can tell you that, this, that I lost my gun today - and I am not a good cop. And I'm looked down at. And I know that. And I'm scared that once you find that out you may not like me.

John C Reilly pretty much dominates every role that is given to him, and he puts it all together with this quote from Magnolia. He plays the role of the good cop in this movie so well that his innocence starts to inject itself into your own mind. He is the good samaritan by default and his impeccable honesty and humanity are on display in this wonderful scene.

There are many many more, and when I think of them I will post them to the 3 people who actually look at this thing.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

There is no modern romance

Halloween is an amazing holiday because people feel if they aren't dressed as themselves then there is no reason to act like themselves. If a study was done on how many "non-dancers" dance when they are out for halloween the number of "non-dancers" would greatly diminish. The dance floor at a bar or party on Halloween is reminiscent to the graveyard scene in the Thriller video. As soon as the music starts all the zombies get a little kick in their step. The undead start to shake and jiggle and when they hear Michael's voice and it's all over. The night has begun and you are going to stay on that dance floor, and try to get the chick who is dressed up as Tinkerbell to bob for apples with you late night. Why not dance if you are dressed like a ghoul?
If you have a costume that is original and somewhat subtle you have done the holiday some service. All the girls who wear the black cat ears on their need a new costume. Leave that costume to the 3rd grade English teacher to wear to school during the holiday season. The Hooters outfit on girls and guys needs to go as well. The mullet wig, cut off jeans, and Gwar t-shirts need to be put to rest. Why not start wearing tight BLACK jeans and one of those shirts that changes colors when you touch it. Now that is a good white trash/sweaty dude outfit. Come one people come up with something new!

Here are some Haloween suggestions for next year for you fools:

JOHN MCLANE FROM DIE HARD: all you need is a wife beater, khakis, scruffy beard and no shoes. If you really want to be creative tape a gun to your back.

SUPERMAN: Classic costume that isn't used as much as it should be. You get to wear a cape too. Too many Batmans this year.

DAVID BOWIE: Another costume that is easy...just wear ALOT of makeup...especially eyeliner. You can even wear a shirt and tie, and still pull off Bowie.

STEVE ZISSOU (or any member of team Zissou): This is what I wore this year. It's easy because all you need is blue pants and a shirt and a red skull cap. Not many people knew who I was but those who did loved it.

LAWRENCE TAYLOR: Just need a jersey and some football pants. This guy is such a character to begin with that once you tell people you are the former hooker ordering deviant you will garner instant respect. Speaking of crackheads....

TYRONE BIGGUMS: This is another easy costume. Just wear dirty smelly clothes and eat a powdered doughnut. You will look like Chapelle in no time and will be the hit of the party.

GHOSTBUSTERS: You need to put ALOT of work into this costume, but if you pull it off you are a legend.

RON BURGUNDY: Grow a moustache and wear a turtleneck and sportcoat...that simple.

NINO BROWN: Just dress in some fly 80's shirt, double breasted sportcoat, black pants and sunglasses. You can actually get three cotumes from New Jack City. Pooky could be done if you wear and american flag button up shit and look like a crackhead. G-Money could be done just like Nino, BUT distinguish yourself with a gunshot wound. Remember Nino Brown killed his own brother. Right before he shot him he proclaims, "AM I MY BROTHERS KEEPER!" Great overacting in that scene.

There you go. Now no one will know who you are next October 31st.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Just need to admit that I want sugar in my tea

The People in your Television

Question to all of you out there who loved staying home from school and watching the Price is Right. There was always a bold line between good and bad TV when you were home from school as a kid. You could flip through the channels and be stuck in the horrible foggy world of the soap opera OR you could hit an amazing rerun of a show that they just don't make anymore. For instance have you ever seen the episode of What's Happening when the Doobie Brothers made a guest appearance? ( ...I hope most of you have seen this wonderful show, but I put the link just in case you are a complete clown) The Doobie Brothers are putting on a concert in the neighborhood so of course they befriend Rerun when they come to town. Honestly who wouldn't befriend the guy? He wears colorful Jeff Caps and suspenders. So Rerun, Raj, and Dwayne decide to go catch the show, which was oddly being held in something that looked like an elementary school auditorium.
The show begins and of course Rerun is practically snapping the tiles off the floor with his dance moves. The members of Doobie Brothers are even admiring Rerun as they play under their Cousin It hairstyles. The band members glance over a few times to give Rerun and smile and head nod. A "silent shout out" if you will.
Then those shot outs turn to looks of astonishment as they discover that Rerun was hiding something beneath those suspender supported trousers. As Rerun begins to do a one-footed 360 spin a clunky piece of equipment drops out of his pants. Rerun was trying to illegally record the show!!!! He wasn't being very conspicuos either. In fact the recorder he was trying to hide wasn't a little hand held tape was a HUGE panasonic tape deck that was about as big as his left thigh. Rerun had no excuse and they band was so upset that they stopped playing. Raj with a disgusted look on his face questions Rerun: "Don't you know that this is illegal?" The innocent looking Rerun had NO idea and is shocked that everyone is so upset. Then they all decide, band as well, to listen to what he has taped so far. Turns out Rerun forgot to push the Record button and all they could hear was him eating some popcorn before the show. (Note: this was an actual episode I saw on a sick wasn't the cough syrup I was taking either)
Then everyone is elated that Rerun didn't illegally record anything and the Doobie Brothers proceed with their show. Everything is well in the land of television. Rerun was ahead of his time...not just in fashion sense, but in the music piracy world as well. He could have put that show on the Net and got about a million downloads. Thank god he wasn't taping a Metallica show...Lars Ulrich would have jumped off the stage and stabbed him.
Watch this show if you have a chance. They had some of the most obscure plot lines in television history. Rerun even joined a food worshipping cult in one episode! Stay home from work/school one of these days and enjoy the television.

Download "Jolene" by the White Stripes. It is a Dolly Parton cover, and it will rip your soul to pieces.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

A hundred billion bottles washed up on the shore

He's the BOSS now

This past weekend I decided to travel to D.C. to see some old friends from college because it was homecoming weekend. I knew that I would run into random people and have painful conversations with them about what I am doing with my life these days. I should just make index cards with my job, living situation, and love life all mapped out so I could just hand them to the dude from my Anthropology class who I haven't seen since my last Anthropology class. Many of these annoying encounters became part of this weekend but nothing prepared me for the person I bumped into when I arrived in D.C. via train on Saturday afternoon. As I was leaving Union Staion, which is a beautiful building, I saw a sharp looking man in a red NYPD shirt. I was entering my buddy's Jeep and I noticed that this man in front of us looked wildy familiar. It was the star of The Garbage Picking Field Goal Kicking Philadelphia Phenomenon ( who is none other than: TONY DANZA! So as soon as I notice that it is him I starting yelling in an obnoxiously stereotypical New York/Guido manner. I just constantly shout : TONY....TONNNNAAAAA.....TOOOONNNEEEEEEEE. You can imagine how it sounded. So he is about 5 feet away and I am just hanging out the window screaming at the star of Angels in the Outfield. He starts looking pretty peeved and puts his head down like he just lost the role of himself in the Who's the Boss movie to Freddie Prinze Jr. Then we literally pull up next to his car, and I am almost blue from screaming and he finally looks up and says, "WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO! WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO!" Mind you he is saying this in a stereotypical New York/Guido accent. He then proclaims, "I AM WITH MY WIFE!" Then Tony decides to send a shockwave through the District with one lewd hand gesture. He put his hand in front of his hairy midsection and gave me the jerk off hand gesture! You know the imaginary jerk off move that people do when they are talking to or see someone who they think is a complete jerk off. He just stood there made a vile face and did the"jerk off" right in broad daylight in the District of Columbia. Tony fuckin' Danza just flat out blasted me to pieces with the "jerk off" hand gesture. I could have hopped on a train and went right back to Philly and I still would have considered it an amazing weekend.


I saw another fake celebrity this weekend as well. I was sitting on a bar stool Friday night when another familiar face walked up to the bar that almost knocked me down. It was a "fake" version of the lead singer of Nickelback, which might be the most deplorable band ever. This version was much shorter and pudgier, but nonetheless HILARIOUS. So as I turn to my friend to proclaim this great find he turns to me and says, "COREY FELDMAN." More like a Burbs era Corey Feldman, but it was a great call. Being able to watching Feldman/Nickelback gag after taking shots of Jagermeister all night made my evening. So on Friday I saw a hybrid Feldman/Nicelback and on Saturday I was silently called a jerk off by Tony Danza.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Got a new bitch now you're Jennifer Aniston

Flip Flops and black Nike socks...

David Stern is proposing a dress code for NBA players when they are on court, and traveling to and from arena's. I have always had respect for David Stern, but this is taking it just one drop step to far. He handled the Pacers-Pistons brawl better than I ever imagined. That was one of the saddest nights in the history of sports, and he made sure we all remembered that. Maybe that incident made him feel more like the image he was worked himself into: The High School Disciplinarian. First the age limit, and now this? The age limit doesn't bode well for me based one one simple fact. When you are 18 you are considered an adult. If you can vote and go to war then you certainly have to option of taking a chance at a lucrative life long dream that could benefit you and your family. Michelle Wie, who is a 15 year old golf prodigy has just turned pro and signed deals with Nike? Why her and not a high school basketball stud? It just doesn't make sense to me.
Now the guy is going to tell players how to dress? This reminds me of my high school (Prep School) days when I would get detention for not having my shirt tucked in. There was always the kid who forgot to bring his sport coat to class. There was always the kid who wore his Air Max's instead of his hush puppies. There was always the kid who had too much facial hair, and those guys were sent to the Dean's office to shave it off! Is David Stern the NBA version of a high school Dean of Students at a school with a dress code? He needs to relax, and revel in the fact that he got the age limit implemented. That alone is astonishing.
I can see a young Allen Iverson walking down the hall in my high school with his shirt untucked and rocking a pair of all black Jordan IV's. Then David Stern would come out of the office and hand him a JUG slip.

Friday, September 30, 2005

You've got to tolerate all those people that you hate

Did you notice that everything looks like an Ipod now? That sleak streamlined design is catching on everywhere. Cars are even beginning to look like Ipods: .
Like cell phones Ipods can be compared to luxury cars. They multiply and mutate like mogwai's after a midnight snack. Every bell and whistle is upstaged by someting like an ICEE machine in your glove box that serves atkins friendly ICEE's for drivers and passengers alike. The rapid growth of these gadgets or "bling" if you must is astounding. They have become extensions of ourselves and certainly our fashion sense. The boom of these hand held music makers is similar to the growth of the walkman. When the walkman first came out they were ridiculousy overpriced, but came in so many different syles and colors:
The one thing about the Ipod that is striking is the fact that it is dominating the market not only because of it's capabilites, but because of it's look. Sure there are different colors and sizes, but when stripped down they are all the same. The window with that beautiful light. The rectangular frame, and the wheel...ohh the wheel. There wouldn't be a wheel if it weren't for the mouse that you are scrolling right now. It's the same concept, and the evolution of technology becomes Darwinian. Think of your ipod as an '05 SUV, and your Walkman as a Cruk...half car..half truck : . In case you were wondering that is a 1981 Subaru Brat. The concept of an SUV, but years away from perfection. It's all relative folks...pretty soon you're going to be walking down the street and not even flinch when you see this:
Even the ipod wannabee's look like ipods, and those with ipod wannabees usually hide their fake ipods because they are ashamed. Like when Reebok came out with the Pump everyone was rocking them to gym class, but Nike tried to get in the inflatable shoe gimmick game too. They made a shoe that you needed to pump with an actual hand held pump! The mini basketball/tennis ball pump was an appealing design like your ipod. The Nike "pump" like all the fake Ipods have a bland clunky design that people just didn't pick up on. --THE IPOD

Apple revived the world of the portable music player, and they did it with style. Everyone has one and even though they all look the same we feel as though we are adding a flower to our lapel everytime we strut along the sidewalk with those skinny white wires that could be connected to our souls.

Thursday, September 22, 2005

I got my MOJO back baby OH BEHAVE

T-Bone's Lament
LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - Gator wranglers from Florida have abruptly quit their search for the city's elusive 7-foot alligator, livid that they were publicly ridiculed by a brash Hurricane Katrina evacuee that a councilwoman brought in to help nab the reptile.
Thomas "T-Bone" Quinn described as "retarded" the tactics employed by the wranglers from Orlando-based Gatorland. He made his comments on Saturday after being escorted by Councilwoman Janice Hahn to Ken Molloy Harbor Regional Park in South Los Angeles, where the gator dubbed Reggie has inhabited a lake for at least two months.
"I am not going to allow Gatorland to be referred to as 'retarded,' " Gatorland team leader Ted Williams said Monday. "I will not allow some swamp rat to walk into a situation and make comments about Gatorland and this team. We conducted ourselves in a professional manner."
Williams also accused Hahn of playing him "like a little puppet" for political purposes.
Hahn said Monday that she was surprised by Williams' reaction. Quinn, a 47-year-old Gulf Coast pipe fitter, apologized for his remarks and all of the men seemed to be getting along by Saturday night, she said.
"I thought it wouldn't hurt to have somebody else's advice," said Hahn, who praised Gatorland's efforts. "The only agenda I have is catching Reggie and I thought this was an opportunity to give this evacuee something to do."

City officials said they needed to do a background check and decide whether he could work without liability insurance. They also were worried by Quinn's graphic descriptions of how he usually stabs alligators in the brain to kill them.

WOW. Right off the bat I am not entirely shocked that the gentleman who stabs the alligators in the brain to kill them prefers to be called "T-Bone." Second...If there was a 7 foot alligator running loose in my town I wouldn't call him Reggie. I would call him..."THE FUCKING 7 FOOT ALLIGATOR THAT IS RUNNING LOOSE IN MY TOWN." Or maybe I would call him or the other. Another thing that got me was the fact that the councilwoman thought sending a Katrina evacuee into a swamp to help catch an alligator was a good idea. How did she explain this to the evacuee? "Listen we know that everything you owned is now GONE...sooo we are going to send you into the swamp to help catch an alligator with good ol' T-Bone." She felt that she was giving them something to do? This world is filled with people making great decisions.


The idea of the sensor flush toilet is wonderful because we don't have to touch the handle when we're all done. You do your business, stand up, put your trousers back in place, and you're good to go. No need to touch that cold metal handle that is covered with germs that were drawn out in our elementary school science textbooks. The only problem is it can work too hard sometimes.
For instance when you want to put that paper protector on the toilet seat you can run into some trouble. The sensor on the toilet becomes confused by the movement and will sometimes steal your butt nest. You gently place the sheet on the seat when you go to make the move to sit paper cover is gone. You shrug it off and try to place the paper again and then FLOOOSSSSHHHHHHHHHHH. You're immediately 0-2 and a bit discouraged. This is when you get into stealth mode. You need to trick that red blinking light into thinking that no one is in the stall. Make that automatic flush not so automatic. The best move is to come in from the side. This move is much easier in the handicap stall because the amount of room in those things. Pull the paper from the dispenser and quickly move to the the paper on the seat, and BOOM make the move, sit down, and you are incredbily happy.
It also helps the other bathroom patrons perception of you. You don't want them think that you are dropping such a tremendous bomb that you need to flush 3 times in a 30 second span. So all you have to do is become a bit more crafty. Remember always come in from the side.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

It's a celebration BITCHES!

The phenomenon that is the NFL has started, and we are all caught up in this testosterone driven soap opera. Even if you don't get involved you can't escape it. It's "Generation X's" pastime. It's the most colorful, exciting, and story driven sport in the United States. No sport is edited as well as the NFL other than FOX's playoff baseball coverage. 1/3 of the city of Philadelphia was watching the Monday Night Game last week, which is an astounding number for one of the biggest cities in the U.S.
I was watching it in a crowded bar that was serving dollar drafts. Dollar drafts can make any beer delicious, and they were especially scrumptious for some meatheads standing behind me. They were the typical fans who don't know much about the game so they compensate by screaming out obscenities when the littlest of mistakes is made. For instance Donovan McNabb took a hit because the offensive was sleeping and Donovan had no choice but to take the sack. The steakhead behind me just screams out, "DONOVAN YOU PUSSSSSYYYYYYYYY!!!!!" These creeps were screaming all night long until one of them said something that got me thinking. One of the meatsticks claims, "YO...what's the name of that football player who turned out to be a FAG!" The other porterhouses around him giggled even though I bet they only heard the word FAG. I don't remember the guy's name either, but I know he played for the Packers (no pun intended). So I am going to look at a list of NFL players who could be gay. I am going solely on the fact that they have a name that could be considered gay. Confused? Just look at some of the names that I found.

All Suspiciously Gay Name Team

KRIS MANGUM, Tight End, Carolina Panthers
MAN-GUM!....thank god this dude was on the football team and not the swimming team.

One of my favorite recievers, but CHAD and JOHNSON together? Might as well be a gay porn star...or Chad Lowe.

Just the name MITCH...Reminds me of MITCH CUMSTEIN from Caddyshack

Clears the way for one of the best RB's in the league, but just say LORENZO with a lisp. See what I mean?

TONY ROMO, QB, Cowboys
This is a stretch but ROMO rhymes with HOMO.

Put an Le in front of any name and it is going to sound gay.

Just sounds like the real name of a drag queen...when he is out at night in drag he is called STERLING SILVER!

Do I need to explain?

Any name that starts with something that sounds like DEEP IN is a lock.

Just because he has the same name of the actor who played the psycho secretly gay father in American Beauty.

Like Lorenzo just say FERNANDO out loud with a lisp.

There you have it...the suspiciosly gay name squad 2005-06

Try to get your hands on the free CD they give out at the Gap with about 9 cover songs. Joss Stone beautifully covers God Only Knows by the Beach Boys, but don't listen to the next song because Jason Mraz just convinced Damien Marley to put out a hit on him by covering One Love by Bob Marley.


Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Now she walks through her sunken dream

Singer Sheryl Crow and cycling legend Lance Armstrong are engaged. The couple made the announcement on Monday following Armstrong's proposal during a visit to Sun Valley, Idaho, last week. No date has been set for the wedding, but a spokesperson for the seven-time Tour De France champion hinted the happy couple are considering exchanging vows next spring. Armstrong and Crow met in 2003 - Armstrong has three children from his first marriage but it will be Crow's first time down the aisle.

Lance Armstrong has become and American icon. He broke the Tour De France win record. He got a lot of white kids in polo's to start wearing those LIVESTRONG's. He defeated cancer. He is being "witch-hunted" by the French who are alledging that he used illegal substances to better his performance a couple years back. Bike racing would be nothing in this country if it weren't for Lance Armstrong. I know there are many of you out there with your cycling socks pulled above your ankles shaking your heads as you read on, but there is no escaping it. Cycling and or Biking will never achieve an elite status in this country. It's monotonous and I don't know many people who have the Outdoor Life Network. It's like cross country or intramural ping pong. They have skills but can they leap over someone's head to catch a ball? That's what we want to see. The last athlete to wear tight or short shorts that we were remotely interested in was John Stockton, and he never won a championship.
My problem with Armstong here is his marrying of Sheryl Crow. His defeating cancer propelled him into superstardom. The press conference announcing his sickness could give anyone chicken-skin, and he gave people hope. He vowed to beat the cancer in front of us all, and came back to win multiple Tour De France's.
Like the rest of the country was Sheryl Crow a fan of Cycling before Lance beat the big C? Did she have the Outdoor Life Network? Did she WEAR THOSE SOCKS! . I don't think so. He defeated cancer and returned to the sport to become our "boy." We embraced him, and I am taking NOTHING away from the fact that he beat cancer, but did Ms. Crow ever look in the Sports/Cycling section in USA TODAY? So Lance Armstrong becomes even larger than life and leaves his wife. This doesn't just happen to famous people. Dudes in suits with big money are packing up their Benzinos right now as their wife cries looking at them through the window.
The woman who was by his side all night in the hospital when he was undergoing treatment. The woman who sat with the kids all night when their father was in the hospital. This woman became an afterthought due to the media onslaught. So you become a superstar and you need to be with a superstar? Not that Sheryl Crow is banging out the hits these days unless you liked her deplorable duet with the even more deplorable Kid Rock a couple years back. She is still quite a big star. Maybe if Crow didn't jump to his side right away he could have landed Zellwegger. She went out with the dirty mustached Jack White because he was an eccentric rock star with and eclectic sound. Crow wanted Armstrong because he was a superstar athlete who defied all odds.
To Lance's ex-wife...I am sorry, but it's all our faults. We love stories of the famous overcoming major obstacles. Christopher Reeve became dear to our hearts when he fell off that horse. I felt horrible for the guy too, but remember at one point in his life he was Superman. What about the 5 year old kid in the wheel chair who will never walk?

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Shoot for the moon...if you miss you're still amongst the stars

BERLIN (Reuters) - German police have arrested a 31-year-old man they caught vandalizing two cars by scratching large penis-shaped gouges into them and said they believe he may be responsible for similar markings found on hundreds of others.
A police spokesman in the western city of Bochum said on Friday the man was under investigation for vandalizing around 330 vehicles in the region over the last few months, most of which had also been marked with the same penis insignia.
The total damage may near 350,000 euros, he said.
"Nearly all of them had this special motif," the police spokesman said. "He said he did it because he was mentally disturbed. I don't know if that was just a pretext."
The suspect is now undergoing psychiatric treatment, he added.

German police officer: VHAT IS DEEEES? A PENEEES?
Genius who marked up cars: VHAT DO YOU MEAN? IT'S A BRATVURST!

That is exactly how German people talk...not in German, but with stereotypical German accents. Love the use of the phrase: "penis insignia."


Wonder what part of this poster that they want to viewers to focus in on:


Why can't they make movies like this anymore?


Speaking of candy asses I was called one once, and it's a very underrated diss. I was driving in Philly with a friend of mine and we were closing in on a biker (bicycle not harley). I was sitting in the passenger seat and my friend told me thatI would never slap the guy in the ass as we drove by. I couldn't take the heat so as we are drving past him I am out the window and BAM! Maybe the weirdest feeling in the world. My hand ripped through the sweaty lycra biker shorts of a complete stranger. Well of course we come up to a red light and have to stop. I look in the side mirror and this biker might have had the best sad face I have ever seen. I took something from him...I stole a piece of him that day. When we stop the car this guy FLIPS THE FUCK OUT. He pulls up to the window and just starts with, "YOU FUCKING MAMA'S BOY! WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE! Then he blasted me to pieces...."GODDAMN CANDY ASS!" Just the way it rolled off his tongue destroyed me. GODAMN and CANDY ASS work so well together. Maybe it's consonance?

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

See the lonely boy out on the weekend

I want to....

Go that place where all the boys went in the movie Pinnochio where they got real wild and smoked cigars and got liquored up. That place was amazing. If I remember correctly there was gambling involved and just utter defiance for everything and anything. That's the type of vacation I need to take. They eventually started transformed into donkeys and starting crying for their mothers.

I want you to read these lyrics from Cinnamon Girl by the Neil Young...THE Neil Young:

"Cinnamon Girl"
I wanna live with a cinnamon girl
I could be happythe rest of my life
With a cinnamon girl.
A dreamer of pictures
I run in the night
You see us together,
chasing the moonlight,
My cinnamon girl.
Ten silver saxes,
a bass with a bowT
he drummer relaxesand waits between shows
For his cinnamon girl.
A dreamer of pictures
I run in the night
You see us together,
chasing the moonlight,
My cinnamon girl.
Pa sent me money now
I'm gonna make it somehow
I need another chance
You see your baby loves to dance

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

The Rhythm the Rebel

Lebron on Nascar

Nascar has decided to place the "20 year old NBA marketing icon" to adorn the hood of one of their cars. (note: Not Lebron James, Cavs Guard....Lebron the MARKETING ICON....that's how he is descibed in the above link). I too am fascinated with the way the media has handled the rise of Lebron James on all levels. He was described as having a "Babe Ruth" quality when he was coming out of high school. A very interesting comparison that I can honestly say I have never heard when not describing a baseball player. We have known him since he was in high school and some of you even paid to see his high school games on pay per view. David Stern must have pic of this kid next to his bed that he kisses before he falls asleep on his pillow that is stuffed not with cotton balls, but with hundred dollar bills. It's fascinating to see how this kid has used the media, and how they have used him. He started when he was not even in the NBA yet, and he did it because we would all be there clicking away.

Why use Lebron to bring something to Nascar?

I really like the look of the race car," James said in a statement. "But I'm thinking we need to add some new rims."

This kid is going to be used up by the time he is 30 years old. Nascar is a sport that is dominated by white fans and white "athletes." Do they think this will generate a more ethnic fan base? Do they think that Lebron's popularity will lure some of his black fans to sport of Nascar? Notice that they didn't use a picture of Lebron, but rather a "comic book" version of him on the hood. They might as well put Al Jolson on the cover of the car : . Instead of Powerade they can just write MAAAAAMMMMYYYYYYY!!!!!!!.
Here is an idea : Log onto a Nascar chat room and tell them that you are a fan of Nascar. Then proceed to tell them you are black. Then proceed to tell them that the sports needs black drivers. Then prepare yourself for a shower of racial epithets. I tried this late night about four days ago. I wish I had copied and pasted it at the time, but I was blown away by how many N-bombs were dropped as I talked about black "athletes" in Nascar. One that I remember: "We don't need to n*****s taking over OUR sport!" I was even called a "moon cricket." What the fuck is a moon cricket?!
Maybe it was because it was around 4am, and I caught some cranky liquored up rednecks who were minding their meth labs. Lebron is going to be one of the faces of black culture for a LONG time, and this is only the begining of it all. What's next Lebron at the Opera? Lebron on BROADWAY? I can't wait until the remake the Fish that Saved Pittsburgh starring Lebron James in Dr. J's role.

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Another soul lost at sea while taking a cruise

While reveling in a John Basedow infomercial one can come across unbelievable products that are advertised in the middle of the night. Some of them have boring names like the magic wallet and others just display their marketing genius with names like THE WALLET OWL! Maybe the best cheap commercial product name since the all know what the Rascal is. It's similar to the bathroom monkey
Just adding an animal to your product name is a recipe for success. Why do people love polo shirts with tigers, gators and horses on them? It's all about the animals. They should start making polo's with dirty city pigeons on them and they would be sprinting off the shelves. This dude would buy one :
(note: I don't know that guy but good God in heaven I would like to meet him.)
Another strange and hilarious pigeon picture:

ANYWAY...animals sell. Why do you think Tony the Tiger has been around for so long? They never age and wrinkles don't show under fur. Who is the next animal icon? The Geico Gecko? Chester Cheetah? (I heard he has a coke problem) Tucan Sam is getting old and he needs to pass the torch to someone else. How about ELI the SLOTH? ARMEN the ARMENIAN ARMADILLO? ARTHUR the AYE AYE? In case you were wondering what and Aye Aye is:
Always trust animals....always.


Tuesday, August 02, 2005

I hope you find some time to drop a note...but if you don't then you don't

Simpson Kicked Out of Convention
Former American football star OJ Simpson was kicked out of an Illinois convention on Saturday, after showing up unannounced and selling his autographs to fans. Simpson made the unexpected appearance at Rosemont's 26th annual National Sports Collectors Convention, and while excited fans crowded him, disgruntled organizers soon asked him to leave. But before his departure, Simpson signed 115 autographs - at $100 and $125 apiece - during his 75 minutes at the event, as well as posing for several photographs. He later signed hundreds of autographs at a nearby hotel. Dealers at the event are not allowed to have unscheduled autograph appearances. Convention director Bob Dyer says of Simpson, "The demand for his autograph was obvious based on the crowd around him, but you can't go about doing it that way. The exhibitor didn't abide by the contract." (From

What a complete joke. Is this what he has resorted too? Sneaking in the back doors of autograph shows uninvited and selling his John Hancock. They failed to show the picture that he was autographing. While many were hoping it was a pic of him running through the line at USC or scoring TD's for the Bills. It was actually this :
(note how much blacker they made him look on this cover...everyone is a muckraker...even TIME)
I still can't figure out what is more striking here. The fact that he had the audacity to do such a thing OR the fact that people paid good money for an autograph of someone who "might" have killed some people.


Romanticizing war?

A poster with this image couldn't be released toady:

Doesn't fit the movie...little toooooo sexual for the subject matter:

Graduate rip off:

Sunday, July 31, 2005

All your dreams are over now...all your wings have fallen down

Anthropology is the ANSWER!

Cultural tings dat get me motor running:

"I know your heart can't grieve
What you eyes won't see
But you were my favorite moment
of this dead century"

Those are lyrics from TV on the Radio's DREAMS off the Desperate Youth and Bloodthirsty Babes album. .

I drove my Sable off the Ben Franklin Bridge and went crashing into the water when these words hit my spine. As my new submarine floated past bloated mafioso with cinderblocks for sneakers the music grew louder. Lead singer, Tunde Adebimpe, has a voice that idiots like to compate to Peter Gabriel, but he surpasses the Sledgehammer singer on all levels. I first heard this album at a music store just after it was released and bought it after hearing about a third of the first song. When I brought it home I didn't even play it because I had to wait for the right time, and that time was about 330 AM when I am driving into the city work. As soon as I pushed the sideways triangle I saw something. I saw a horizontal bolt of lighting simmering through downtown Philly crackling and sizzling as it turned corners around office buildings. The sleeping city was never more awake. The sound that was seeping out of this lighting bolt was TV on the Radio. One of the biggest cities in America was surviving simply by the hum of the street lights until I opened my windows. Adebimpe's lonely voice sits in the pit of your stomach as you try to figure out how this new sound came about. Did these cats find a time machine and steal their beats from the future? They must have traveled to a "Blade Runner" type future and found this sound. This mechanically beautiful sound that is peppered with every style of music one could imagine. There is absolutely no one to compare them too...honestly. Maybe some experimentalists, but they are merely picking sounds out of a hat and hoping the pieces will make your lobes wiggle. TV on the Radio takes those pieces and builds a spaceship like Ethan Hawke and River Phoenix did in the Explorers. .

Everyone gets sucked into Cribs when it is seemingly on a contious loop on MTV. David Banner, who is a Mississippi rapper, is in one of the latest editions. I am not a huge fan of his music, but I am just a huge fan of his personality. This dude never wipes that huge smile off his face and seems to be truly thankful for what he has. A couple of words from his BIO:

Who would have guessed that a troubled yet energetic kid from Jackson, Mississippi would single-handedly carry a depressed state known as the epitome of Southern racism and poverty into a respected source of hip hop music?

On his Cribs episode he shows us all the shiny shit that is draped throughout his mansion. Then we go out back to his man made lake. If I was loaded I would without a doubt build a lake at my place. ANYWAY...he then throws some pellets into the water and about 50 catfish come out of the water to eat and greet Mr. Banner. He then says in his southern drawl, "See this right here...this is God man." Those word hit me. It's not even about religion. It's about the appreciation of life. This dude is on his way to superstardom in the rap community, but once he sees those catfish lurking above the water his world stops and he just breathes. You have to appreciate that.

Oh and another thing. I am uttetrly disgusted by pigeons, AND I have never seen a baby pigeon. Maybe they just grow out of the sidewalk like weeds.


Tuesday, July 26, 2005

The weak become heroes and the stars align

Canadian lab to test "sasquatch" hair
Mon Jul 25, 6:47 PM ET
VANCOUVER, British Columbia (Reuters) - The debate over the existence of sasquatch, aka Bigfoot, an ape-like creature said to haunt the wilderness of western Canada has entered the world of modern DNA testing.
A laboratory will test hair samples that several residents of Teslin, Yukon, say were left when the large, but so-far mythological creature made a late-night run through their community in early July.
The legend of a large, hairy, two-legged creature lurking in the mountains of western Canada and the United States dates back to before Europeans settled the continent. This was the second report of the creature near Teslin in just over a year.
In the latest sighting, a group of Teslin residents told the Canadian Broadcasting Corp. they heard branches cracking and saw a large human-like creature run by a house. It left behind large footprints, they said, and the hair tufts that were given to wildlife officials.

Thank you so much for this. Possible suspects when the results come in?

While vacationing in the Poconos as a youngin' I was traveling through the woods, and stumbled over a rock. This rock ended up being a "mini-cliff" and I dropped about six feet onto some sticks and possbile deer poop. The kind that looks like turkey giblets. (I googled mini-cliff and couldnt find any bare with me) I was beat up pretty bad and began to cry as I ran back to the house that my family and their friends were staying at. People who were sitting on the deck saw me sauntering out of the woods with the tears running down my face. They immediatley started asking if I was ok, and I grew embarrased because people besides my immediate family saw me at my weakest. So I did what kids who are embarrased about something do best : LIE THROUGH YOUR TEETH.
I told everyone that I thought I saw bigfoot running through the woods and was so scared that I started running like a wild man. I explained that I was running so fast that I had fallen off a "cliff" and never looked back to see the beast. The memory is vivid, but I wish I could remember people's faces when I was trying to explain this ludicrous sasquatch sighting. I was expecting the guy who narrates Unsolved Mysteries to come out of the closet and start telling my story to all the adults. It's amazing what you will say when you are desperate. I actually wanted people to believe that I saw this hairy figure running through the forest looking for a nice tree to scratch his back on.
What kind of music would the sasquatch listen to? He was using a Walkman when I spotted him by the way. For some reason I imagine him running throug the woods rocking out the Ring of Fire by Johnny Cash. I also see him breaking the sticks under his feet to Mirror In the Bathroom by English Beat. If you were a hairy animal like the wolf babies on Sally Jessy Raphael...or just a Yeti...what would you listen too?

Sunday, July 24, 2005

Dry your eyes mate

Michael Bay and DJ Premier are like cornbread

I recently sat through the Island, which is the new clone/sci-fi/action/huge advertisement from fragmentalist Michael Bay. Bay is constantly criticized for his over the top action and dizzying camerawork. His films are riddled with close ups and he doesn't have the ability to hold a scene for more than 30 seconds. He started off as a music video director, and this is quite obvious when you view his films. They feel like a 2 and a half hour rock/action opera, and the viewer is exhausted by the end. Take for instance the RIDICULOUSLY over the top Bad Boys II. Bay is outspoken when it comes to critics and has stated that he made this film as a big "fuck you" to all of those who shit on his style. He said he knew it would make 100 million no matter how overblown the whole thing was.
He took the style of Miami Vice, but updated it to today's standards. Every scene is overdone. The slow-mo shots...the sun constantly setting over the without chases that run for so long you end up looking into space. You never have to say to yourself "This is only a movie" Why? Because he makes movies.
Wes Anderson paints beautiful pictures of the lonely human spirit. Richard Linklater captures the essence of generations. Scorcesse ruins your mind with technicality. Michael Bay simply makes popcorn cinema, and it's a genre that is often disrespected. I am in no WAY comparing him the directors I mentioned above, but I think the Bay deserves some respect. He has a style that will always be noted. Compare it to hearing a beat by DJ Premier or the Neptunes. You loved them at couldnt get their infectious sounds out of your head, but after a while the allure was lost. You knew it was a Premier beat when you heard the new song, but it didn't hit like it did for those couple of months before when you couldn't stop listening. When you heard the latest Neptunes beat you felt like you had heard it before, but it was just reworked for the latest rap act. Same goes for Michael Bay.
When the Rock came out viewers and critics were pleased. Even if you don't like action movies you have the respect the time that was put into filming that car chase in San Francisco in the beginning of the movie. It was nominated for a Best Sound Oscar, which is Hollywood's way of saying that we really liked the movie, but it would never EVER garner enough respect for one of the more serious nominations.
When Armageddon came out we were like OK...this is what this dude does. This is his thing, and he is sticking to it. I think the movie is LUDICROUS, but so does he, and he was hoping you would too. It was like that recycled Premier beat when you heard it 2 years later. You knew it was DJ Premier, you could hear the jazz influence, but it just wasn't the same. You didn't lose that initial respect though. You didn't forget that first time your ears thanked you all night long. Same goes for Mr. Bay here. You need to respect his style...he will continue to do it, and you will remember that first time you witnessed it. If you forget where you come're never going to make it where you're going.

Does this dude look like her cares?:,%20Michael

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

I will be your accident if you will be my ambulance

If you are driving around in your car and feel like crying listen to Lay Lady Lay by Bob Dylan. It sounds like an OLD country western song, but doesn't sound anything like Toby Keith. You can imagine the crusty Dylan slowly riding his horse through a town of tumbleweeds strumming his guitar as he cries out this song:

Lay, lady, lay, lay across my big brass bed
Lay, lady, lay, lay across my big brass bed
Whatever colors you have in your mind
I'll show them to you and you'll see them shine
Lay, lady, lay, lay across my big brass bed
Stay, lady, stay, stay with your man awhile
Until the break of day, let me see you make him smile
His clothes are dirty but his hands are clean
And you're the best thing that he's ever seen
Stay, lady, stay, stay with your man awhile
Why wait any longer for the world to begin
You can have your cake and eat it too
Why wait any longer for the one you love
When he's standing in front of you
Lay, lady, lay, lay across my big brass bed
Stay, lady, stay, stay while the night is still ahead
I long to see you in the morning light
I long to reach for you in the night
Stay, lady, stay, stay while the night is still

Just a great song that envokes emotion when you have that long car ride all alone on the New Jersey Turnpike. Music while you are driving alone is like therapy. If you are a secret fan of "Forever in Blue Jeans" by Neil Diamond you can just blast the hell out of it while that SUV cruising next to you is wondering why you are wearing a sequined sportcoat as you trudge along the highway. I worked construction the summer before my freshman year of college, and by the end of the day I was dirty and miserable until I stepped into my teal Cavalier. If you are wondering what kind of car this is just drive by a convent. For some reason this is a poplular vehicle among the Nun community.

ANYWAY when I dusted off my steel toes and took that seashell of a hardhat off I would pop in one of the best tapes EVER : "Bill Withers Greatest Hits". I would immdeiately start blasting Lovely Day, and I would forget about everything. I would forget sweeping. I would forget about eating a dust covered peanut butter sandwich and the dirt that would transfer from my mouth onto the soggy cartons of Iced Tea that I used to demolish. I would forget about my JOB, and that was the most important thing to me at that point in my life. This was a beautiful time for me, and it was all because of a beautiful song. I still don't have a car with a CD player, and I still have this tape. It still gets plenty of burn but it's never the same as it was that summer.

Thursday, July 14, 2005

You're staring at the sun...You're staring at the sea...your body's over me

WEST HARTFORD, Conn. - An expert in eating disorders collapsed in a supermarket after inhaling propellant from whipped cream cans, according to police. Lisa G. Berzins, a prominent psychologist who has been on national television and radio shows and in newspaper articles, was arrested on a warrant Friday charging her in the May 29 incident, The Hartford Courant reported. Berzins, 49, has a practice in West Hartford. She has written and lectured on eating disorders, female development, sex roles and self-esteem, according a speaker's biography from the American Psychological Association. According to the arrest warrant affidavit, West Hartford police responded to the Farmington Avenue Stop & Shop and found Berzins lying on the floor and bleeding from her head. Berzins, the affidavit says, told police she did not know what happened. Police interviewed witnesses and collected evidence, then determined that Berzins apparently inhaled from three cans of whipped cream containing nitrous oxide, known as laughing gas, the affidavit says. (From

Yes this is a bizarre occurence, but it makes complete sense. This woman is a psychologist who deals with patients with severe self esteem issues. Of course it's sounds horrible when you see it in print. The headline practically reads: Prominent Psychologist does Whippets in Public and PAYS for it! Yes this act is totally uncalled for, and she is being punished for her actions through the media's coverage. Anyone who deals with people with issues such as these needs to have experienced in same way or form in their own life. Maybe she had an eating disorder at one point. The point is is that someone who deals with self esteem issues must have some of their own in order to help those with the same inadequicies. This woman obviously still has some problems if she is huffing Reddi-Whip at convenience stores, passing out and splitting hear head open. She has some of her own demons lurking in the shadows making it easier to see her patient's demons. It goes along the lines with a cop being able to indentify certain things that only someone who has experienced them can do so. A cop who used to use certain drugs and knows the process of obtaining them is going to be much better than a cop with a clean slate. An alcoholic is always an alcoholic. An addict is always an addict. This psychologist is successful because she still has that larceny in her. She knows how the mind of someone with no self control works because she struggles with self control too. I would rather someone with their own self esteem issues to help me with mine. Someone needs to fade out of the blue and into the black to help themselves back into that blue again. (Thanks Neil Young).


If your movie has Luke Perry in it you need to blur his face:

Should read: I love cocaine:

Doesn't look like there is much JOY:


Wednesday, July 13, 2005

What de hell

I am trying to publish some nonsencical bullshit and it wont let me

Sunday, July 10, 2005

When you get what you want but not what you need

Digital Trapeziod Map

AHHHH the movies. I will always be in line for afternoon show of the new blockbuster the day they come out. It's an escape of sorts especially when absolutely no thought has to go into what is being flashed before your eyes. Sometimes I am by myself and other times I go with my buddy who we will call Mikey Pooch. Mikey Pooch is always down to see something shitty at 2 o'clock on a Tuesday afternoon because he hates his job more than you. As you all know the idea well is quite dry these days for the movie studios i.e. :Bewitched...THE MOVIE! Fat Albert...THE MOVIE! Dukes of Hazard...THE MOVIE. Family Matters...the MOVIE! That last one is not real but it will be someday. I know that all media is derived or evolved somehow from other mediums, but have we gotten this lazy? I saw we and not them because we all feed into this stuff believe it or not. Even though we are not racing out to see all of it we still embrace it. Example: All of these new age horror films filled with creepy kids and digitial effects, a have all been done in asian film world. The Ring, Grudge, Dark Water...they have all been made before along with a bunch of other new age horror shit films. The funny thing is....we all fucking know it. These asian imports can be bought just about anywhere. They even have them next to their remakes at the store so you can buy the original and the rip-off/remake. Some of it might part of the recent boom in DVD sales. They are flying off the shelves everywhere so the stuidos are just pumping shit out there. They are making more than the box office and their sales have like tripled in the past year. SOOOO maybe that's why all this shit is being thrown into my freckled face.
ANYWAY...I appreciate the "digital age" of film. I am disgusted though by the overuse of it all. Characters that are completely digitally rendered can take alot from a movie, but they will never stop making them in fact they will one day make this movie....THE SITCOMS.

In the year 2015 they are going to release a film where all the characters are computer generated images. Kind of like SImone in that Al Pacino movie titled SImone that you and I never saw. The technology will be so advanced in the next ten years that we won't be able to tell the real from the fake, which is scary when you think about it. So they are going to make a movie about all former sitcom characters living in the same neighborhood, but all of these characters are going to be digital because quite simply Rudy just doesn't look the same. So the Cosby's will live next door to the Fresh Prince of Bel Air. Theo and the Fresh Prince will continue to rag on Carlton, who will become friends with Elvin.,%20Geoffrey (the dude in the upper right corner) Seinfeld will trade saracastic quips with Alex P. Keaton. Ben from growing Pains will compete with Kramer for attention. And the the witch from Bewitched will race the Flying Nun on a daily basis to impress the Bosom Buddies. Hopefully Urkel will have sex, but not with Laura. He will bone the robot chick from Small Wonder. Will he use his own robot Urkel that we were introduced to in like the 4th season?
They are going to be so "idealess" in the next ten years that this 300 million dollar picture will take 2 years to make and will be released around christmas time because that is a good time for shit like this. And movies are made like this cause creeps like me take time to think about it. I will be in linefor the 3:15 show when the time comes.

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

I'll be a mom and poppa coming for you

There is an inviting sign on the lone urinal in my office. It reads: "IF YOU USE THIS TOILET IT MAY OVERFLOW." Why give us a choice? Is this some type of candid camera trick to get someone to roll the dice, use the urinal, and get BLASTED by a stream of derrrty water? A DO NOT USE sign would be plenty efficient. The interesting thing is that I actually took a minute to ponder whether I should use the urinal or not. The feeling of accomplishment that I would get from rolling the dice and not getting blasted could enstill and extrememe amount of confidence in me. I could use this new power to actually speak to a female while I am out galavanting. My horrendous move of going up to a girl who is smoking and asking for a light is failing MISERABLY. I go ask for the light...usually fuck up trying to get the thing even started, and the proceed to nod (a thank you nod) with the smoke in my mouth. This ignites a rush of water flowing from my bloodshot eyes cause the smoke is eating my eyeballs. I find myself doing this all the time when I smoke cigs. Especially when I drive. Amateur smokers can you feel me? I leave it in the mouth when I talk to people and then start making the ugliest squinting face you can imagine. I look just like this guy: . God I am FUCKING smooth.

Some of you have seen War of the Worlds and there is something that is very odd at one point in this film. Cruise gets sucked into an ASSHOLE like contraption in the bottom of the alien spaceship. The scene was so sexual and I am not exactly sure why Spielberg put in in the film. I understand he was going for the whole organic material crossed with man made material for his spaceships, but this was blatant. Tom Cruise got eaten by a giant alien asshole and made an explosion inside of it. Say that last sentence to anyone who asks you what you thought of War of the Worlds. It's a completely true statement, and sums it all up to a T.

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Picture blood baths in elevator shafts

Peeping Tom Pulled From Outhouse Tank
Tue Jun 28, 6:38 PM ET
ALBANY, N.H. - A 45-year-old man was arrested after a teenage girl found him staring at her from below an outhouse seat, police said. Police said they pulled Gary Moody, from Gardiner, Maine, from the waste tank under a log cabin outhouse on Monday.
"We had to decontaminate him," said Capt. Jon Hebert of the Carroll County Sheriff's Department, adding that firefighters hosed the man down before police handcuffed him. "We treated him as if he were hazardous material," Hebert said.
Moody was charged with criminal trespass. Hebert said he could face more charges.
Moody was freed on bail for a July 19 appearance in Northern Carroll County District Court in North Conway.

That's what perverts are reduced to if they live in Maine. There is no internet in Maine so they have to get pooped on to get a quality ass shot. I still am having trouble picturing this. Imagine sitting down to drop some heat and there is some creep smiling up at you! How do you raise someone who spends their time hiding in outhouses?


Andrew Bogut was the number one pick in the draft last night, and I truly don't think this guy will be superstar, and I will tell you why. When the players are selected they post some fun facts about them while Stuart Scott sits to talk with the new NBAers. How does Stuart Scott's assholeness increase every second he speaks? ANYWAY, Bogut's favorite food was listed as SOUP. SOUP...could you be more stale? At least throw a chicken noodle in front of that! Might as well listed your favorite food as Carbohydrates or Meat. He is never going to reach that superstar status because of his horrible favorite food choice. On the other hand Charlie Villanueva listed his favorite food as "weed brownies."

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

You thinkin' lobster?..HAH... I'm thinkin' burger kang

Morgan Free-help

In the last movie is saw, Batman Begins, Morgan Freeman is the all knowing gadget guy who supplies Bruce Wayne with all of his toys for fighting crime. Morgan Freeman seems to always land roles like this. The all knowing wise black man who helps out his white co-star. We are supposed to feel like Morgan has been through it all and he wears it on his face, but his hardships are outshined by that smile. He always knows the lowdown, but is always the secondary character. It's always Morgan and a white actor, and that actor is usually in need of some elderly help, which Morgan always offers. The last movie I remember seeing him in in the movie theaters was Robin Hood. He was the only black character in a movie with an all white cast, and he played his usual role. This is something that has perplexed me for years, and will always baffle me. Here is a rundown of his movies and his "white in need of help co-star." I am sure you can think of a couple ever before checking out this's like the Kevin Bacon game, but you don't have to poisin your mind with thoughts of Kevin Bacon.

Driving Miss Daisy: DO I EVEN NEED TO EXPLAIN!
Glory: Plays slave who fights in Civil War to help the beautifully moustached Matthew Broderick
Robin Hood: Performance will never outshadow unecessary Costner ass shot
The Power Of one: Plays a prisoner who is mentor to a positive thinking young white man
Unforgiven: Helps out Clint Eastwood
Shawshank Redemption: Shows white Tim Robbins how to get busy living
SEVEN: Don't look in the box white rookie cop Brad Pitt...I know...I am Morgan Freeman
Chain Reaction: Helps out Keanu Reeves, but performance is overshadowed by how akward Keanu looks when he runs
Kiss the Girls: The all knowing black man to Kentucky alum Ashley Judd
Amistad: I never saw this but I think he plays a slave
Nurse Betty: Helps out the PASTY white Renne Zellwegger
Along Came a Spider: Helps Monica Potter..Cage's hot wife in Con Air..solve a crime
High Crimes: Same formula as Kiss the Girls..Ashley Judd + all knowing Morgan Freeman
Bruce Almighty: Plays God who offers his powers to Jim Carrey
Million Dollar Baby: The black trainer, who appears in almost all boxing films
See how it all goes down? Morgan Freeman is always second fiddle to a know it all white character. He esentially plays the same role in every movie. Freeman is a great actor, but I can't get over the fact that he has been the same guy in almost all of his films.


Draft Sleepers:
Sean May
Roko Ukic
Ryan Gomes
Nate Robinson
Ronny Turiaf
Julius Hodge
Wayne Simien

Draft Creepers:
Antoine Wright
Hakim Warrick
Chris Taft
Matt Walsh
Danny Granger

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

I want to see you in real life...So you can feel me like a steel knife

I recently read that Sharon Stone and Madonna were competing for the role of Ginger in Casino. Could Madonna have done this role any better? Stone nailed that part, and she even garnered a deserved Oscar nomination. It's hard to say if Madonna would have been as affective as Stone was. Not that she was drug crazed at one point in her life, but she truly captured a wild lifestyle that was presented to the world. Madonna was the poster slut of the 80's before she became British. (Go to to see Madonna bitch out some journalists because the room in which they were interviewing her in was TOO HOT...its horrible) If she was cast as Ginger it would have been distracting. Not that Madonna was a hooker/heroin addict at one point, but she didn't stray to far from that image. She could have pulled it off, but we would have felt like we were looking at a Rolling Stone cover shoot from '86. Nonetheless the movie has one of the greatest white pimp names in film history: LESTER DIAMOND. James Woods plays Diamond and he too dominates the role. Not that I expected the great cast from this movie to do a horrible job, but as a whole everyone really never let up. Scorcesse brings out the best in everyone, and do you even question why?
Although I think that Gangs of New York was a disaster. Dicaprio traveled in and out of his accent and I just didn't like Daniel Day Lewis as Bill the Butcher. The character was entertaining, but he was over the top. He seemed like a villian from a movie that was more fantastical. I could have seen him as a villian from an Indiana Jones film or even a James Bond villian. Maybe that's what Scorcesse was going for, but the supporting cast couldn't keep up with him. Did you know that Scorcesse directed the Michael Jackson video for BAD? YOU AIN"T BAD YOU AIN'T NOTHIN!

Monday, June 20, 2005

Best Friends Become Strangers

Tom Cruise Gets a Facial

Recently two big time celebrites have been attacked in some form. Leonardo DiCaprio was attacked with a beer bottle while leaving a club at 4 am. He apparently needed twelve stitches and the attacker missed an artery near his ear that could have been life threatening. It turns out the attacker was a retarted person who disgusted with his portrayal of Arnie the retarted boy in What's Eating Glibert Grape. The attacker said she was sick of hearing "DAD'S DEAD! and THE WATER TOWER GILBERT!" The attacker has now sold her rights to Lifetime to make a TV movie about the incident starring Eric Roberts as Dicaprio and Marlee Matlin as the retarted person.

Tom Cruise was part of one of the greatest moments in entertainment history yesterday. A fake reporter (who is now a genius) started asking him questions and water shot out of his microphone blasting Cruise in the face. Cruise showed that million dollar Cocktail smile for a second and then got all Born on the Fourth of July on us. He started saying in a horribly weak voice, "WHY DID YOU DO THAT? and then ripped the guy to pieces stating, "You're a know that...a real jerk!" Katie Holmes wasn't paying attention at the time because she was looking into the sky for the aliens she now worships as a scientology convert. Will the demise of Tom Cruise be one of the biggest burnouts of all time? Will he ever recover from his recent ridiculous actions? People are starting the hate the man they all once loved and looked up to. Pretty soon he is going to be on a USA series with Hulk Hogan and Chuck Norris fighting crime on a ski slope.

I think celebrity hate is reaching a new level. We are all tired of them. Everyone is has a reality show and Pop Culture is the topic on most new cable television shows. ENOUGH the Discovery Channel. Why do you think the box office is slumping so bad? Sean Penn needs to shut the fuck up too.


Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Out of the blue and into the black

More proof that Cruise is a complete joke:

Cruise Tripped Up by Magazine Over Scientology Claims
Tom Cruise's beliefs in Scientology are based on misinformation, according to US showbiz magazine Entertainment Weekly - after editors checked facts from a recent interview with the movie star. Just weeks after accusing Brooke Shields of being "misinformed" after she championed anti-depressants for helping her deal with post-partum depression, Cruise made a couple of sweeping statements to Entertainment Weekly reporter Benjamin Svetkey. The writer chose to check Cruise's comments and found out he wasn't accurate. Supporting Scientology claims that psychiatry is "a Nazi science", Cruise stated, "Jung (Carl Jung, the father of modern psychiatry) was an editor for the Nazi papers during World War Two," which the magazine's researchers discovered is untrue, according to the New York Center For Jungian Studies. The movie star continued, "Look at the experimentation the Nazis did with electric shock and drugging. Look at the drug methadone. That was originally called Adolophine. It was named after Adolf Hitler." The magazine also questions Cruise on this point, explaining, "According to the Dictionary Of Drugs And Medications... this is an urban legend." (FROM IMDB.COM)

Fantastic Four might be the worst movie of the summer. Comic book movies are hot right now, and some of them have been done in the right way, but this isn't going to cut it. I thought X-Men was going to to horrible after seeing the previews, but it turned out to be a good film. X-Men 2 was even better because we were done with the usual introduction of the characters. That's what Fantastic Four is going to be. The origin of the characters and them getting adjusted to their new personas. That isn't enough for this movie to be successful. The Fantastic Four aren't nearly as popular as the X-Men are these days, and the characters are just corny. Who would you rather have on your side? Wolverine fucking shit up with his claws or some dude who can stretch his arms really long to reach high stuff in the cupboard? I picked the stretchy guy too.

I will be dressed up like this when I go see this movie :
This guy is pretty sweet too:

There was a live action Fantastic Four film made in 1994 that was sooo bad that it never left the shelf. The Comic Book guy from the Simpson is probably the only person who owns a copy but I found some pictures of this horrible mess: (Scroll down to the bottom)

Hyrbid Moments by the Misfits is a sick song


Who the Hawks will most likely draft this year:

This is a Boogie Nights (one of my faves) poster from another planet I think: