Tuesday, October 24, 2006

I was a lover, before this war

Halloween is a holiday that you will experience in phases. When we are children halloween is a surreal experience. Your grade school teacher most likely dressed up as a witch on this wonderful day and handed out mini-Snickers before morning recess. School was part of the holiday because everyone's spirits were raised, and your teachers knew there was no way you were going to concentrate on Social Studies.
When you were in that middle-school freshman year of high school phase you might have been a bit too cool for school. You most likely went trick or treating with no costume like a punk, sneering as people sheepishly dropped some peanut butter cups in your hands.
Halloween in college can be one of the best nights of the year because this is the time in your life when you can easily get your hands on a susbtance that would make you hallucinate. This makes the Halloween party you are attending surreal, just like when you are in grade school. It's a beautifully vicious cycle.
Halloween was always an underrated make-out holiday as well. Everyone seems to get down on Halloween. Maybe because all women dress up as sluts on this day. Girl just add the word: slutty in front of every costume. SLUTTY cop, SLUTTY witch, SLUTTY vampiress, SLUTTY anthropoligist, etc. etc.

I am sick of seeing pirates and hobos every halloween. People need to get more creative on the 31st. Here are some suggestions:

Steve Zissou (or any member of team Zissou) -- This costume is easy. Blue pants, blue shirt and a tight redd skull cap. You will be the talk of the town.

Bruce Willis (Die Hard) -- This costume is EXTREMELY EASY, and when people find out who you are they will stand and cheer. All you need is some dirty khaki's, wife beater and some scruff on your face.

Howard Taft -- This costume is perfect for a portly fellow. If you are not portly you can add a pillow. This is a conversation starter, and you could spit out facts about the fattest president when people ask who you are. (You will most likely not make out if you were this)

Meth Head -- This is an upgrade from the ever so popular bum costume. You need to wear a dirty white t-shirt and some brightly colored sweats. An empty robitussin bottle would be a good thing to have hanging out of your pocket or hanging from your neck.

Yellow Journalist : Yellow Journalism is a ejorative reference to journalism that features scandal-mongering, sensationalism, jingoism or other unethical or unprofessional practices by news media organizations or individual journalists.
This term is hardly used anymore, but it would make a great costume. All you have to do is wear all yellow and a fedora hat with one of those press cards sticking out from the top. You might even want to have a camera hanging from your neck as well.

Good luck this Halloween and try to come up with something fresh.