Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Just need to admit that I want sugar in my tea

The People in your Television

Question to all of you out there who loved staying home from school and watching the Price is Right. There was always a bold line between good and bad TV when you were home from school as a kid. You could flip through the channels and be stuck in the horrible foggy world of the soap opera OR you could hit an amazing rerun of a show that they just don't make anymore. For instance have you ever seen the episode of What's Happening when the Doobie Brothers made a guest appearance? ( http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0074071/ ...I hope most of you have seen this wonderful show, but I put the link just in case you are a complete clown) The Doobie Brothers are putting on a concert in the neighborhood so of course they befriend Rerun when they come to town. Honestly who wouldn't befriend the guy? He wears colorful Jeff Caps and suspenders. So Rerun, Raj, and Dwayne decide to go catch the show, which was oddly being held in something that looked like an elementary school auditorium.
The show begins and of course Rerun is practically snapping the tiles off the floor with his dance moves. The members of Doobie Brothers are even admiring Rerun as they play under their Cousin It hairstyles. The band members glance over a few times to give Rerun and smile and head nod. A "silent shout out" if you will.
Then those shot outs turn to looks of astonishment as they discover that Rerun was hiding something beneath those suspender supported trousers. As Rerun begins to do a one-footed 360 spin a clunky piece of equipment drops out of his pants. Rerun was trying to illegally record the show!!!! He wasn't being very conspicuos either. In fact the recorder he was trying to hide wasn't a little hand held tape recorder...it was a HUGE panasonic tape deck that was about as big as his left thigh. Rerun had no excuse and they band was so upset that they stopped playing. Raj with a disgusted look on his face questions Rerun: "Don't you know that this is illegal?" The innocent looking Rerun had NO idea and is shocked that everyone is so upset. Then they all decide, band as well, to listen to what he has taped so far. Turns out Rerun forgot to push the Record button and all they could hear was him eating some popcorn before the show. (Note: this was an actual episode I saw on a sick day...it wasn't the cough syrup I was taking either)
Then everyone is elated that Rerun didn't illegally record anything and the Doobie Brothers proceed with their show. Everything is well in the land of television. Rerun was ahead of his time...not just in fashion sense, but in the music piracy world as well. He could have put that show on the Net and got about a million downloads. Thank god he wasn't taping a Metallica show...Lars Ulrich would have jumped off the stage and stabbed him.
Watch this show if you have a chance. They had some of the most obscure plot lines in television history. Rerun even joined a food worshipping cult in one episode! Stay home from work/school one of these days and enjoy the television.

Download "Jolene" by the White Stripes. It is a Dolly Parton cover, and it will rip your soul to pieces.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

A hundred billion bottles washed up on the shore

He's the BOSS now

This past weekend I decided to travel to D.C. to see some old friends from college because it was homecoming weekend. I knew that I would run into random people and have painful conversations with them about what I am doing with my life these days. I should just make index cards with my job, living situation, and love life all mapped out so I could just hand them to the dude from my Anthropology class who I haven't seen since my last Anthropology class. Many of these annoying encounters became part of this weekend but nothing prepared me for the person I bumped into when I arrived in D.C. via train on Saturday afternoon. As I was leaving Union Staion, which is a beautiful building, I saw a sharp looking man in a red NYPD shirt. I was entering my buddy's Jeep and I noticed that this man in front of us looked wildy familiar. It was the star of The Garbage Picking Field Goal Kicking Philadelphia Phenomenon (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0142306/) who is none other than: TONY DANZA! So as soon as I notice that it is him I starting yelling in an obnoxiously stereotypical New York/Guido manner. I just constantly shout : TONY....TONNNNAAAAA.....TOOOONNNEEEEEEEE. You can imagine how it sounded. So he is about 5 feet away and I am just hanging out the window screaming at the star of Angels in the Outfield. He starts looking pretty peeved and puts his head down like he just lost the role of himself in the Who's the Boss movie to Freddie Prinze Jr. Then we literally pull up next to his car, and I am almost blue from screaming and he finally looks up and says, "WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO! WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO!" Mind you he is saying this in a stereotypical New York/Guido accent. He then proclaims, "I AM WITH MY WIFE!" Then Tony decides to send a shockwave through the District with one lewd hand gesture. He put his hand in front of his hairy midsection and gave me the jerk off hand gesture! You know the imaginary jerk off move that people do when they are talking to or see someone who they think is a complete jerk off. He just stood there made a vile face and did the"jerk off" right in broad daylight in the District of Columbia. Tony fuckin' Danza just flat out blasted me to pieces with the "jerk off" hand gesture. I could have hopped on a train and went right back to Philly and I still would have considered it an amazing weekend.


I saw another fake celebrity this weekend as well. I was sitting on a bar stool Friday night when another familiar face walked up to the bar that almost knocked me down. It was a "fake" version of the lead singer of Nickelback, which might be the most deplorable band ever.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/media/images/38103000/jpg/_38103999_nickelback300.jpg This version was much shorter and pudgier, but nonetheless HILARIOUS. So as I turn to my friend to proclaim this great find he turns to me and says, "COREY FELDMAN." More like a Burbs era Corey Feldman, but it was a great call. Being able to watching Feldman/Nickelback gag after taking shots of Jagermeister all night made my evening. So on Friday I saw a hybrid Feldman/Nicelback and on Saturday I was silently called a jerk off by Tony Danza.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Got a new bitch now you're Jennifer Aniston

Flip Flops and black Nike socks...

David Stern is proposing a dress code for NBA players when they are on court, and traveling to and from arena's. I have always had respect for David Stern, but this is taking it just one drop step to far. He handled the Pacers-Pistons brawl better than I ever imagined. That was one of the saddest nights in the history of sports, and he made sure we all remembered that. Maybe that incident made him feel more like the image he was worked himself into: The High School Disciplinarian. First the age limit, and now this? The age limit doesn't bode well for me based one one simple fact. When you are 18 you are considered an adult. If you can vote and go to war then you certainly have to option of taking a chance at a lucrative life long dream that could benefit you and your family. Michelle Wie, who is a 15 year old golf prodigy has just turned pro and signed deals with Nike? Why her and not a high school basketball stud? It just doesn't make sense to me.
Now the guy is going to tell players how to dress? This reminds me of my high school (Prep School) days when I would get detention for not having my shirt tucked in. There was always the kid who forgot to bring his sport coat to class. There was always the kid who wore his Air Max's instead of his hush puppies. There was always the kid who had too much facial hair, and those guys were sent to the Dean's office to shave it off! Is David Stern the NBA version of a high school Dean of Students at a school with a dress code? He needs to relax, and revel in the fact that he got the age limit implemented. That alone is astonishing.
I can see a young Allen Iverson walking down the hall in my high school with his shirt untucked and rocking a pair of all black Jordan IV's. Then David Stern would come out of the office and hand him a JUG slip.