Friday, September 30, 2005

You've got to tolerate all those people that you hate

Did you notice that everything looks like an Ipod now? That sleak streamlined design is catching on everywhere. Cars are even beginning to look like Ipods: .
Like cell phones Ipods can be compared to luxury cars. They multiply and mutate like mogwai's after a midnight snack. Every bell and whistle is upstaged by someting like an ICEE machine in your glove box that serves atkins friendly ICEE's for drivers and passengers alike. The rapid growth of these gadgets or "bling" if you must is astounding. They have become extensions of ourselves and certainly our fashion sense. The boom of these hand held music makers is similar to the growth of the walkman. When the walkman first came out they were ridiculousy overpriced, but came in so many different syles and colors:
The one thing about the Ipod that is striking is the fact that it is dominating the market not only because of it's capabilites, but because of it's look. Sure there are different colors and sizes, but when stripped down they are all the same. The window with that beautiful light. The rectangular frame, and the wheel...ohh the wheel. There wouldn't be a wheel if it weren't for the mouse that you are scrolling right now. It's the same concept, and the evolution of technology becomes Darwinian. Think of your ipod as an '05 SUV, and your Walkman as a Cruk...half car..half truck : . In case you were wondering that is a 1981 Subaru Brat. The concept of an SUV, but years away from perfection. It's all relative folks...pretty soon you're going to be walking down the street and not even flinch when you see this:
Even the ipod wannabee's look like ipods, and those with ipod wannabees usually hide their fake ipods because they are ashamed. Like when Reebok came out with the Pump everyone was rocking them to gym class, but Nike tried to get in the inflatable shoe gimmick game too. They made a shoe that you needed to pump with an actual hand held pump! The mini basketball/tennis ball pump was an appealing design like your ipod. The Nike "pump" like all the fake Ipods have a bland clunky design that people just didn't pick up on. --THE IPOD

Apple revived the world of the portable music player, and they did it with style. Everyone has one and even though they all look the same we feel as though we are adding a flower to our lapel everytime we strut along the sidewalk with those skinny white wires that could be connected to our souls.

Thursday, September 22, 2005

I got my MOJO back baby OH BEHAVE

T-Bone's Lament
LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - Gator wranglers from Florida have abruptly quit their search for the city's elusive 7-foot alligator, livid that they were publicly ridiculed by a brash Hurricane Katrina evacuee that a councilwoman brought in to help nab the reptile.
Thomas "T-Bone" Quinn described as "retarded" the tactics employed by the wranglers from Orlando-based Gatorland. He made his comments on Saturday after being escorted by Councilwoman Janice Hahn to Ken Molloy Harbor Regional Park in South Los Angeles, where the gator dubbed Reggie has inhabited a lake for at least two months.
"I am not going to allow Gatorland to be referred to as 'retarded,' " Gatorland team leader Ted Williams said Monday. "I will not allow some swamp rat to walk into a situation and make comments about Gatorland and this team. We conducted ourselves in a professional manner."
Williams also accused Hahn of playing him "like a little puppet" for political purposes.
Hahn said Monday that she was surprised by Williams' reaction. Quinn, a 47-year-old Gulf Coast pipe fitter, apologized for his remarks and all of the men seemed to be getting along by Saturday night, she said.
"I thought it wouldn't hurt to have somebody else's advice," said Hahn, who praised Gatorland's efforts. "The only agenda I have is catching Reggie and I thought this was an opportunity to give this evacuee something to do."

City officials said they needed to do a background check and decide whether he could work without liability insurance. They also were worried by Quinn's graphic descriptions of how he usually stabs alligators in the brain to kill them.

WOW. Right off the bat I am not entirely shocked that the gentleman who stabs the alligators in the brain to kill them prefers to be called "T-Bone." Second...If there was a 7 foot alligator running loose in my town I wouldn't call him Reggie. I would call him..."THE FUCKING 7 FOOT ALLIGATOR THAT IS RUNNING LOOSE IN MY TOWN." Or maybe I would call him or the other. Another thing that got me was the fact that the councilwoman thought sending a Katrina evacuee into a swamp to help catch an alligator was a good idea. How did she explain this to the evacuee? "Listen we know that everything you owned is now GONE...sooo we are going to send you into the swamp to help catch an alligator with good ol' T-Bone." She felt that she was giving them something to do? This world is filled with people making great decisions.


The idea of the sensor flush toilet is wonderful because we don't have to touch the handle when we're all done. You do your business, stand up, put your trousers back in place, and you're good to go. No need to touch that cold metal handle that is covered with germs that were drawn out in our elementary school science textbooks. The only problem is it can work too hard sometimes.
For instance when you want to put that paper protector on the toilet seat you can run into some trouble. The sensor on the toilet becomes confused by the movement and will sometimes steal your butt nest. You gently place the sheet on the seat when you go to make the move to sit paper cover is gone. You shrug it off and try to place the paper again and then FLOOOSSSSHHHHHHHHHHH. You're immediately 0-2 and a bit discouraged. This is when you get into stealth mode. You need to trick that red blinking light into thinking that no one is in the stall. Make that automatic flush not so automatic. The best move is to come in from the side. This move is much easier in the handicap stall because the amount of room in those things. Pull the paper from the dispenser and quickly move to the the paper on the seat, and BOOM make the move, sit down, and you are incredbily happy.
It also helps the other bathroom patrons perception of you. You don't want them think that you are dropping such a tremendous bomb that you need to flush 3 times in a 30 second span. So all you have to do is become a bit more crafty. Remember always come in from the side.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

It's a celebration BITCHES!

The phenomenon that is the NFL has started, and we are all caught up in this testosterone driven soap opera. Even if you don't get involved you can't escape it. It's "Generation X's" pastime. It's the most colorful, exciting, and story driven sport in the United States. No sport is edited as well as the NFL other than FOX's playoff baseball coverage. 1/3 of the city of Philadelphia was watching the Monday Night Game last week, which is an astounding number for one of the biggest cities in the U.S.
I was watching it in a crowded bar that was serving dollar drafts. Dollar drafts can make any beer delicious, and they were especially scrumptious for some meatheads standing behind me. They were the typical fans who don't know much about the game so they compensate by screaming out obscenities when the littlest of mistakes is made. For instance Donovan McNabb took a hit because the offensive was sleeping and Donovan had no choice but to take the sack. The steakhead behind me just screams out, "DONOVAN YOU PUSSSSSYYYYYYYYY!!!!!" These creeps were screaming all night long until one of them said something that got me thinking. One of the meatsticks claims, "YO...what's the name of that football player who turned out to be a FAG!" The other porterhouses around him giggled even though I bet they only heard the word FAG. I don't remember the guy's name either, but I know he played for the Packers (no pun intended). So I am going to look at a list of NFL players who could be gay. I am going solely on the fact that they have a name that could be considered gay. Confused? Just look at some of the names that I found.

All Suspiciously Gay Name Team

KRIS MANGUM, Tight End, Carolina Panthers
MAN-GUM!....thank god this dude was on the football team and not the swimming team.

One of my favorite recievers, but CHAD and JOHNSON together? Might as well be a gay porn star...or Chad Lowe.

Just the name MITCH...Reminds me of MITCH CUMSTEIN from Caddyshack

Clears the way for one of the best RB's in the league, but just say LORENZO with a lisp. See what I mean?

TONY ROMO, QB, Cowboys
This is a stretch but ROMO rhymes with HOMO.

Put an Le in front of any name and it is going to sound gay.

Just sounds like the real name of a drag queen...when he is out at night in drag he is called STERLING SILVER!

Do I need to explain?

Any name that starts with something that sounds like DEEP IN is a lock.

Just because he has the same name of the actor who played the psycho secretly gay father in American Beauty.

Like Lorenzo just say FERNANDO out loud with a lisp.

There you have it...the suspiciosly gay name squad 2005-06

Try to get your hands on the free CD they give out at the Gap with about 9 cover songs. Joss Stone beautifully covers God Only Knows by the Beach Boys, but don't listen to the next song because Jason Mraz just convinced Damien Marley to put out a hit on him by covering One Love by Bob Marley.


Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Now she walks through her sunken dream

Singer Sheryl Crow and cycling legend Lance Armstrong are engaged. The couple made the announcement on Monday following Armstrong's proposal during a visit to Sun Valley, Idaho, last week. No date has been set for the wedding, but a spokesperson for the seven-time Tour De France champion hinted the happy couple are considering exchanging vows next spring. Armstrong and Crow met in 2003 - Armstrong has three children from his first marriage but it will be Crow's first time down the aisle.

Lance Armstrong has become and American icon. He broke the Tour De France win record. He got a lot of white kids in polo's to start wearing those LIVESTRONG's. He defeated cancer. He is being "witch-hunted" by the French who are alledging that he used illegal substances to better his performance a couple years back. Bike racing would be nothing in this country if it weren't for Lance Armstrong. I know there are many of you out there with your cycling socks pulled above your ankles shaking your heads as you read on, but there is no escaping it. Cycling and or Biking will never achieve an elite status in this country. It's monotonous and I don't know many people who have the Outdoor Life Network. It's like cross country or intramural ping pong. They have skills but can they leap over someone's head to catch a ball? That's what we want to see. The last athlete to wear tight or short shorts that we were remotely interested in was John Stockton, and he never won a championship.
My problem with Armstong here is his marrying of Sheryl Crow. His defeating cancer propelled him into superstardom. The press conference announcing his sickness could give anyone chicken-skin, and he gave people hope. He vowed to beat the cancer in front of us all, and came back to win multiple Tour De France's.
Like the rest of the country was Sheryl Crow a fan of Cycling before Lance beat the big C? Did she have the Outdoor Life Network? Did she WEAR THOSE SOCKS! . I don't think so. He defeated cancer and returned to the sport to become our "boy." We embraced him, and I am taking NOTHING away from the fact that he beat cancer, but did Ms. Crow ever look in the Sports/Cycling section in USA TODAY? So Lance Armstrong becomes even larger than life and leaves his wife. This doesn't just happen to famous people. Dudes in suits with big money are packing up their Benzinos right now as their wife cries looking at them through the window.
The woman who was by his side all night in the hospital when he was undergoing treatment. The woman who sat with the kids all night when their father was in the hospital. This woman became an afterthought due to the media onslaught. So you become a superstar and you need to be with a superstar? Not that Sheryl Crow is banging out the hits these days unless you liked her deplorable duet with the even more deplorable Kid Rock a couple years back. She is still quite a big star. Maybe if Crow didn't jump to his side right away he could have landed Zellwegger. She went out with the dirty mustached Jack White because he was an eccentric rock star with and eclectic sound. Crow wanted Armstrong because he was a superstar athlete who defied all odds.
To Lance's ex-wife...I am sorry, but it's all our faults. We love stories of the famous overcoming major obstacles. Christopher Reeve became dear to our hearts when he fell off that horse. I felt horrible for the guy too, but remember at one point in his life he was Superman. What about the 5 year old kid in the wheel chair who will never walk?