Thursday, September 15, 2005

It's a celebration BITCHES!

The phenomenon that is the NFL has started, and we are all caught up in this testosterone driven soap opera. Even if you don't get involved you can't escape it. It's "Generation X's" pastime. It's the most colorful, exciting, and story driven sport in the United States. No sport is edited as well as the NFL other than FOX's playoff baseball coverage. 1/3 of the city of Philadelphia was watching the Monday Night Game last week, which is an astounding number for one of the biggest cities in the U.S.
I was watching it in a crowded bar that was serving dollar drafts. Dollar drafts can make any beer delicious, and they were especially scrumptious for some meatheads standing behind me. They were the typical fans who don't know much about the game so they compensate by screaming out obscenities when the littlest of mistakes is made. For instance Donovan McNabb took a hit because the offensive was sleeping and Donovan had no choice but to take the sack. The steakhead behind me just screams out, "DONOVAN YOU PUSSSSSYYYYYYYYY!!!!!" These creeps were screaming all night long until one of them said something that got me thinking. One of the meatsticks claims, "YO...what's the name of that football player who turned out to be a FAG!" The other porterhouses around him giggled even though I bet they only heard the word FAG. I don't remember the guy's name either, but I know he played for the Packers (no pun intended). So I am going to look at a list of NFL players who could be gay. I am going solely on the fact that they have a name that could be considered gay. Confused? Just look at some of the names that I found.

All Suspiciously Gay Name Team

KRIS MANGUM, Tight End, Carolina Panthers
MAN-GUM!....thank god this dude was on the football team and not the swimming team.

CHAD JOHNSON, WR, Bengals
One of my favorite recievers, but CHAD and JOHNSON together? Might as well be a gay porn star...or Chad Lowe.

MITCH BERGER, P, Saints
Just the name MITCH...Reminds me of MITCH CUMSTEIN from Caddyshack

LORENZO NEAL, FB, Chargers
Clears the way for one of the best RB's in the league, but just say LORENZO with a lisp. See what I mean?

TONY ROMO, QB, Cowboys
This is a stretch but ROMO rhymes with HOMO.

LeCHARLES BENTLEY, C, Saints
Put an Le in front of any name and it is going to sound gay.

ELLIOT SILVERS, T, Rams
Just sounds like the real name of a drag queen...when he is out at night in drag he is called STERLING SILVER!

DAMIEN WOODY, G, Lions
Do I need to explain?

RYAN DIEPENBROCK, LB, Bills
Any name that starts with something that sounds like DEEP IN is a lock.

CHRIS COOPER, DE, 49ers
Just because he has the same name of the actor who played the psycho secretly gay father in American Beauty.

FERNANDO BRYANT, DB, Lions
Like Lorenzo just say FERNANDO out loud with a lisp.

There you have it...the suspiciosly gay name squad 2005-06

Try to get your hands on the free CD they give out at the Gap with about 9 cover songs. Joss Stone beautifully covers God Only Knows by the Beach Boys, but don't listen to the next song because Jason Mraz just convinced Damien Marley to put out a hit on him by covering One Love by Bob Marley.

PEACE

4 comments:

KC said...

This comment section is lonlier than a black athlete at a boarding school

Jenn said...

Ok, even though I'm black, I still found your comment funny....so true.

KC said...

Good...it wasnt meant to offend...its just true

ERL said...

FYI - My "break" lasted approx. 29 hrs. I'm back