Wednesday, November 23, 2005


The New MJ

The Sixers aquired Forward Lee Nailon
this offseason, and he comes off the bench and does some dirty work for us when the starters are resting their pulsating lungs. He averaged a team high 14 points for the New Orleans Hornets last season so it was a good pickup, but he carries a ghost with him from last season. That would be the ghost of Philly's own Marc Jackson . Why does he carry this ghost around like Slimer driving the bus in Ghostbusters you might ask? Because he feels the need to shoot the second the fucking ball touches his hands. He is shooting 50% from the field but only averages about 13 mintues per game. This is not a bad thing, but would it decline with more minutes? Marc Jackson did it because he couldn't help it. Lee is different. He has the Carlton Banks syndrome.
Many of you might remember the episode of the Fresh Prince when Carlton was jealous of Will because he was dominating hardwood at their Bel Air Prep school. The real reason that Will was dominating was because he was playing on Michael J Fox's team from Teen Wolf, and on 8 foot rims.
ANYWAY... back to the fateful episode when Carlton predicted the career of Lee Nailon. Bel Air prep was playing their rivals, who looked like the team from HANG TIME (a saturday morning show on NBC in the 90's that was ludicrous because they were coached by Reggie Theus and a girl was their leading scorer) . The Hang Time team was a group of "John Stockons" because their shorts were revealing and they we wearing LA Gears.
The whole game Will is ball hogging and dunking on the Stockons like Pee Wee Kirkland in a prison leage game, but one person in that arena wasn't cheering. That person was Carlton. So with about 5 seconds on the clock Bel Air Prep is down by one and calls time. The play is called for Will of course. Carlton grimaces like Scottie Pippen when they told Kukoc to take the final shot.
The play begins, Will is at the top of the key with ball in hand, and low and behold it's stolen. Not by Hang Time, but by Carlton! Carlton rips the ball out of Will's hands and decides that he is going to take the final shot. Will raises his arms in astonishment as he watches what transpires. In the most unathletic fashion imaginable Carlton launches a bomb from the three point line. The ball doesn't even touch the backboard. It just bounces off the wall of the gym and dramatically falls to the floor. Uncle Phil is utterly disgusted in both of the boys as his fat head shakes above that sweater that was always hanging from his shoulders.
Lee Nailon has that Carlton look in his eye as soon as he checks in. One of these days he is going to run over to Kevin Ollie, rip the ball out of his hands and throw it against the scoreboard causing an shower of sparks to fall on the floor of the Wachovia Center. Bill Walton will be doing the game and say, "This is the SADDEST day in the NBAAAAAAA." Mo Cheeks will play Uncle Phil shaking his head in disgust as Kevin Ollie raises his arms in astonishment. I love this game.

Ms Jones sent this link:

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

I am just a dreamer but you are just a dream

"You won't see it comin' down my eye...So I gotta make the song cry"

You are like a hurricane
There's calm in your eye.
And I'm gettin' blown away
To somewhere safer
where the feeling stays.
I want to love you but
I'm getting blown away.

-Like a Hurricane by Neil Young

These are the type of lyrics that can knock you down if you aren't holding yourself up. Neil Young's beatifully haunting voice accentuates the feelings in these words when they rattle through your ear canal. Young has never been afraid to show us his vulnerability, and this song is a perfect example. All you need to hear or read is this chorus and Young's self doubt rings true. Men can be extrememly self conscious but never want to express or admit it. Of course you have groups like the Cure and Joy Division that had boys with eyeliner crying on each others shoulders, but Neil Young is more like the sad drifter. He isn't the jaded kid from the suburbs who made it as a rock star. He's a lonely cowboy who lets his songs do all the crying.
This woman he speaks of in this song is way out of his realm. He doesn't feel that he is up to par with this lady causing him to speak to her in such a tragically romantic way. He want's to love her, but she is just too much. Maybe he feels she is out of his league and that he would have trouble trusting her. Maybe she exudes confidence that he could never connect with. She has everything and he feels he has about half of what she gracefully carries.
We have all seen this woman from across the bar. Rapidly moving our eyes up to the television when she glances in our direction. Simply window shopping knowing that we can't afford the goods behind the glass.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

He talks about you in his sleep

The Moving Picture Show

Movies can move you just like any other art form, and there is always that one scene, quote, expression or song that will make the viewer vulnerable. Even if you don't necessarily like a film it can still be validated by that one special moment that makes your eyes well up a little. That one scene that makes you forget that there is a guy with a beret and one of those folding chairs with their names on it behind the camera. These moments are hard to pinpoint and vary from person to person, which makes them even more exhilirating. Here are some that have been dug up from my bottomless pit of a skull:

Fred Jung: Money isn't real, George. It doesn't matter. It only seems like it does.
Young George: Are you gonna tell Mom that?
Fred Jung: Yeah, that's gonna be a tricky one.

This is from BLOW, which I am not a huge fan of, but the father son relationship in this film gives me the chills every time I see it. George's allegiance to his father is unparalled and Fred Jung never harps on the fact that George makes his money off the vice's of others. Just the way he says it to young George will send shivers down to your toenails.

Frank White: How come you never came to see me?
Jump: Who wanted to see you in a cage, man?

This quote is from King Of New York, which is an extremely underrated early 90's urban crime film that without a doubt influenced Tarrantino and those who followed. Christopher Walken plays this Robin Hood of a drug dealer, who might be the coldest cat to ever be put on film. In this scene Frank's voice is filled with sincerity and anger and Jump pauses for a minute, and comes up with this sorry answer. Frank knows that Jump is selfish and this scene sets up the rest of the film and the relationship between the two.

Chas Tennenbaum: I've had a rough year Dad
Royal Tennenbaum: I know son...I know

This soul crushing quote is from The Royal Tennenbaums, and might be the most crucial line in the film. This is at the very end when everything comes together and Chas looses his shit right before this scene because his dog has just been run over by a drugged out Owen Wilson. Chas's relationship with his father is almost non existent up to this point, but when Ben Stiller delivers this line as his voice's all over.

Jim: I can't remember what my parents look like.

This line is from Empire of the Sun, which is Spielberg's most underrated film. This movie is about a boy who is a war prisoner, but lifts the spirits of the other detainees with this undying optimism. He recites this line at a breaking point when he realizes what his life has become. He isn't going to be back home eating dinner with Mom and Dad anytime soon, and that fact hits him square in the jaw. Christian Bale does a wonderful job portraying a child's percpetion of war. (In this film it is WWII)

Jim Kurring: I lost my gun today when I left you and I'm the laughingstock of a lot of people. I wanted to tell you. I wanted you to know and it's on my mind. And it makes me look like a fool. And I feel like a fool. And you asked that we should say things - that we should say what we're thinking and not lie about things. Well, I can tell you that, this, that I lost my gun today - and I am not a good cop. And I'm looked down at. And I know that. And I'm scared that once you find that out you may not like me.

John C Reilly pretty much dominates every role that is given to him, and he puts it all together with this quote from Magnolia. He plays the role of the good cop in this movie so well that his innocence starts to inject itself into your own mind. He is the good samaritan by default and his impeccable honesty and humanity are on display in this wonderful scene.

There are many many more, and when I think of them I will post them to the 3 people who actually look at this thing.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

There is no modern romance

Halloween is an amazing holiday because people feel if they aren't dressed as themselves then there is no reason to act like themselves. If a study was done on how many "non-dancers" dance when they are out for halloween the number of "non-dancers" would greatly diminish. The dance floor at a bar or party on Halloween is reminiscent to the graveyard scene in the Thriller video. As soon as the music starts all the zombies get a little kick in their step. The undead start to shake and jiggle and when they hear Michael's voice and it's all over. The night has begun and you are going to stay on that dance floor, and try to get the chick who is dressed up as Tinkerbell to bob for apples with you late night. Why not dance if you are dressed like a ghoul?
If you have a costume that is original and somewhat subtle you have done the holiday some service. All the girls who wear the black cat ears on their need a new costume. Leave that costume to the 3rd grade English teacher to wear to school during the holiday season. The Hooters outfit on girls and guys needs to go as well. The mullet wig, cut off jeans, and Gwar t-shirts need to be put to rest. Why not start wearing tight BLACK jeans and one of those shirts that changes colors when you touch it. Now that is a good white trash/sweaty dude outfit. Come one people come up with something new!

Here are some Haloween suggestions for next year for you fools:

JOHN MCLANE FROM DIE HARD: all you need is a wife beater, khakis, scruffy beard and no shoes. If you really want to be creative tape a gun to your back.

SUPERMAN: Classic costume that isn't used as much as it should be. You get to wear a cape too. Too many Batmans this year.

DAVID BOWIE: Another costume that is easy...just wear ALOT of makeup...especially eyeliner. You can even wear a shirt and tie, and still pull off Bowie.

STEVE ZISSOU (or any member of team Zissou): This is what I wore this year. It's easy because all you need is blue pants and a shirt and a red skull cap. Not many people knew who I was but those who did loved it.

LAWRENCE TAYLOR: Just need a jersey and some football pants. This guy is such a character to begin with that once you tell people you are the former hooker ordering deviant you will garner instant respect. Speaking of crackheads....

TYRONE BIGGUMS: This is another easy costume. Just wear dirty smelly clothes and eat a powdered doughnut. You will look like Chapelle in no time and will be the hit of the party.

GHOSTBUSTERS: You need to put ALOT of work into this costume, but if you pull it off you are a legend.

RON BURGUNDY: Grow a moustache and wear a turtleneck and sportcoat...that simple.

NINO BROWN: Just dress in some fly 80's shirt, double breasted sportcoat, black pants and sunglasses. You can actually get three cotumes from New Jack City. Pooky could be done if you wear and american flag button up shit and look like a crackhead. G-Money could be done just like Nino, BUT distinguish yourself with a gunshot wound. Remember Nino Brown killed his own brother. Right before he shot him he proclaims, "AM I MY BROTHERS KEEPER!" Great overacting in that scene.

There you go. Now no one will know who you are next October 31st.