Sunday, December 24, 2006

Wait...They Don't Love You Like I Love You

2 Thousand SIZIX

2006 was a delectable year.

People continued to read less.

Dancing with the Stars placed tap shoes on the nation and let us groove with a sick high school wrestler and a former football star.

Whenever we walk into a diner we can't help ourselves from asking for Chicken Noodle Soup with a soda on the side.

The crocodile hunter made us weep…when he stuck his finger up the butt of a completely unaware and innocent reptile.

Music released in '06 that was enjoyable:

TV ON THE RADIO-Return To Cookie Mountain
There is no need to try and understand or say something completely pretentious about this album. It never gets old, and it will haunt you. (Not like a ghost or phantasm)

ADAM SAMBERG AND JT - "It's my dick in a BOX"

Made you feel sorry for yourself…while dancing.

He rapped about mermaids.

Movies released in the year of '06 that were great to view with a friend and some popcorn:

HALF NELSON - An idealist teacher forgets about No Child Left Behind. It's not because he is smoking crack either…it's because he gives a shit.

MONSTER HOUSE - Captured the essence of kids in the suburbs who are bored with riding their bikes down the same street everyday.

Reading material of '06 that people will enjoy with a cup of Earl Grey tea:

Philosopher for a generation that is fully aware and completely confused at the same time. His Esquire piece about the use of the term, Guilty Pleasures, made more sense that your local news anchor.

Should be on every 'best of' list even though it was published in 1925. When you are upset that someone has a nicer cell phone than you…it's time to pick this up again.

Ban of '06


Remember when you had a friend sleep over, who stole some cigs from an older sibling or Wawa and you had to wait until the middle of the night to sneak outside and have a smoke? That is what you have to do whenever you want to have a smoke in Philadelphia.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with this ban, and it has nothing do with health reasons. It has to do with social skills. You are forced outside to a quieter setting where people are feeling your pain. It's making it easier to meet people in person as opposed to putting them in your top 8 on MySpace.
It's better to talk to someone outside the bar as opposed to screaming yourself horse trying to introduce yourself in the bar. So instead of fake laughing at someone because you have no idea what they said in the bar, you can hear what they have to say outside while smoking. Will this make is easier to talk to the opposite sex? Yes, until you go back in the bar and fake laugh at them when they tell you their grandmother was killed in a Rascal accident on the Ben Franklin Bridge.


"You know what the best part is? When I go home at night I don't smell like smoke anymore"

"It is actually making me smoke less!"

"At first I thought it was complete horseshit…now I love it!"

"Hey what do you think about the smoking ban? Oh really…cool…the best part is that I don't stink like smoke when I come home from the bar and I smoke less. (fake laugh) Do you want to go out for dinner sometime? Oh cool…I didn't think so. Do you have a light?"

Sunday, December 03, 2006

My mind has changed my bodys frame, but God I like it

Many Philadelphians exit this gorgeous smelling city when their work or play day is over by traveling along the Vine Street Expressway/ I-676/The Gateway to Hell. This is a semi-underground roadway that takes no prisoners, and laughs in the face of those who signal when they switch lanes. It can be very convenient if you don't feel like dealing with brake lights while trudging through Center City; however it can also be viewed as another dimension on the verge of an apocalyptic meltdown.
Some choose to travel at ludicrous speeds along 676 causing their headlights to trail as they whiz by your vehicle, and some decide that there is no need to travel over 25 MPH. There is no peace or common ground along the Vine Street. Most of the travelers don't even let you know if they are doing a three lane change at 87MPH because there must be an invisible sign before you get on the road that tells drivers they are prohibited from using their turn signals.
The atmosphere of 676 is reminiscent of the wild car chases in the Mad Max movies. You know where people are swinging axes from the hoods of vehicles as they take out other cars along the roadway. People should start attaching missile launchers to the hoods of their cars if they plan to make it home safely.
City Council should a pass a law allowing the for the installment of heavy duty BOSE speakers along 676 so they can blast speed metal as people are flying or crawling down the road. This would make the experience more fitting and harrowing at the same time. Imagine cruising down the Vine Street with your windows open listening to listening to some Sepultura? You would be taking out Dodge Neons in no time.
There are reports of ghost cars traveling along this highway as well as coffins with wheels traveling over 70 MPH. There is no escaping the Vine Street because it can easily knock a few minutes off of your commute. What should we all do then?
Join the club. Paint gnarly looking flames on your car and tie some sort of animal/human carcass to your bumper. The flames don't even have to flame colored; neon green would work well. Hire a shirtless goon with a nose ring to sit atop your hood while he swings a spiked bat at other vehicles passing by. Smash all of the windows out of your car along with your head and brake lights. Get an anarchy symbol tattooed to your forehead and take the ride baby…take the ride.