Sunday, July 31, 2005

All your dreams are over now...all your wings have fallen down

Anthropology is the ANSWER!

Cultural tings dat get me motor running:

"I know your heart can't grieve
What you eyes won't see
But you were my favorite moment
of this dead century"

Those are lyrics from TV on the Radio's DREAMS off the Desperate Youth and Bloodthirsty Babes album. .

I drove my Sable off the Ben Franklin Bridge and went crashing into the water when these words hit my spine. As my new submarine floated past bloated mafioso with cinderblocks for sneakers the music grew louder. Lead singer, Tunde Adebimpe, has a voice that idiots like to compate to Peter Gabriel, but he surpasses the Sledgehammer singer on all levels. I first heard this album at a music store just after it was released and bought it after hearing about a third of the first song. When I brought it home I didn't even play it because I had to wait for the right time, and that time was about 330 AM when I am driving into the city work. As soon as I pushed the sideways triangle I saw something. I saw a horizontal bolt of lighting simmering through downtown Philly crackling and sizzling as it turned corners around office buildings. The sleeping city was never more awake. The sound that was seeping out of this lighting bolt was TV on the Radio. One of the biggest cities in America was surviving simply by the hum of the street lights until I opened my windows. Adebimpe's lonely voice sits in the pit of your stomach as you try to figure out how this new sound came about. Did these cats find a time machine and steal their beats from the future? They must have traveled to a "Blade Runner" type future and found this sound. This mechanically beautiful sound that is peppered with every style of music one could imagine. There is absolutely no one to compare them too...honestly. Maybe some experimentalists, but they are merely picking sounds out of a hat and hoping the pieces will make your lobes wiggle. TV on the Radio takes those pieces and builds a spaceship like Ethan Hawke and River Phoenix did in the Explorers. .

Everyone gets sucked into Cribs when it is seemingly on a contious loop on MTV. David Banner, who is a Mississippi rapper, is in one of the latest editions. I am not a huge fan of his music, but I am just a huge fan of his personality. This dude never wipes that huge smile off his face and seems to be truly thankful for what he has. A couple of words from his BIO:

Who would have guessed that a troubled yet energetic kid from Jackson, Mississippi would single-handedly carry a depressed state known as the epitome of Southern racism and poverty into a respected source of hip hop music?

On his Cribs episode he shows us all the shiny shit that is draped throughout his mansion. Then we go out back to his man made lake. If I was loaded I would without a doubt build a lake at my place. ANYWAY...he then throws some pellets into the water and about 50 catfish come out of the water to eat and greet Mr. Banner. He then says in his southern drawl, "See this right here...this is God man." Those word hit me. It's not even about religion. It's about the appreciation of life. This dude is on his way to superstardom in the rap community, but once he sees those catfish lurking above the water his world stops and he just breathes. You have to appreciate that.

Oh and another thing. I am uttetrly disgusted by pigeons, AND I have never seen a baby pigeon. Maybe they just grow out of the sidewalk like weeds.


Tuesday, July 26, 2005

The weak become heroes and the stars align

Canadian lab to test "sasquatch" hair
Mon Jul 25, 6:47 PM ET
VANCOUVER, British Columbia (Reuters) - The debate over the existence of sasquatch, aka Bigfoot, an ape-like creature said to haunt the wilderness of western Canada has entered the world of modern DNA testing.
A laboratory will test hair samples that several residents of Teslin, Yukon, say were left when the large, but so-far mythological creature made a late-night run through their community in early July.
The legend of a large, hairy, two-legged creature lurking in the mountains of western Canada and the United States dates back to before Europeans settled the continent. This was the second report of the creature near Teslin in just over a year.
In the latest sighting, a group of Teslin residents told the Canadian Broadcasting Corp. they heard branches cracking and saw a large human-like creature run by a house. It left behind large footprints, they said, and the hair tufts that were given to wildlife officials.

Thank you so much for this. Possible suspects when the results come in?

While vacationing in the Poconos as a youngin' I was traveling through the woods, and stumbled over a rock. This rock ended up being a "mini-cliff" and I dropped about six feet onto some sticks and possbile deer poop. The kind that looks like turkey giblets. (I googled mini-cliff and couldnt find any bare with me) I was beat up pretty bad and began to cry as I ran back to the house that my family and their friends were staying at. People who were sitting on the deck saw me sauntering out of the woods with the tears running down my face. They immediatley started asking if I was ok, and I grew embarrased because people besides my immediate family saw me at my weakest. So I did what kids who are embarrased about something do best : LIE THROUGH YOUR TEETH.
I told everyone that I thought I saw bigfoot running through the woods and was so scared that I started running like a wild man. I explained that I was running so fast that I had fallen off a "cliff" and never looked back to see the beast. The memory is vivid, but I wish I could remember people's faces when I was trying to explain this ludicrous sasquatch sighting. I was expecting the guy who narrates Unsolved Mysteries to come out of the closet and start telling my story to all the adults. It's amazing what you will say when you are desperate. I actually wanted people to believe that I saw this hairy figure running through the forest looking for a nice tree to scratch his back on.
What kind of music would the sasquatch listen to? He was using a Walkman when I spotted him by the way. For some reason I imagine him running throug the woods rocking out the Ring of Fire by Johnny Cash. I also see him breaking the sticks under his feet to Mirror In the Bathroom by English Beat. If you were a hairy animal like the wolf babies on Sally Jessy Raphael...or just a Yeti...what would you listen too?

Sunday, July 24, 2005

Dry your eyes mate

Michael Bay and DJ Premier are like cornbread

I recently sat through the Island, which is the new clone/sci-fi/action/huge advertisement from fragmentalist Michael Bay. Bay is constantly criticized for his over the top action and dizzying camerawork. His films are riddled with close ups and he doesn't have the ability to hold a scene for more than 30 seconds. He started off as a music video director, and this is quite obvious when you view his films. They feel like a 2 and a half hour rock/action opera, and the viewer is exhausted by the end. Take for instance the RIDICULOUSLY over the top Bad Boys II. Bay is outspoken when it comes to critics and has stated that he made this film as a big "fuck you" to all of those who shit on his style. He said he knew it would make 100 million no matter how overblown the whole thing was.
He took the style of Miami Vice, but updated it to today's standards. Every scene is overdone. The slow-mo shots...the sun constantly setting over the without chases that run for so long you end up looking into space. You never have to say to yourself "This is only a movie" Why? Because he makes movies.
Wes Anderson paints beautiful pictures of the lonely human spirit. Richard Linklater captures the essence of generations. Scorcesse ruins your mind with technicality. Michael Bay simply makes popcorn cinema, and it's a genre that is often disrespected. I am in no WAY comparing him the directors I mentioned above, but I think the Bay deserves some respect. He has a style that will always be noted. Compare it to hearing a beat by DJ Premier or the Neptunes. You loved them at couldnt get their infectious sounds out of your head, but after a while the allure was lost. You knew it was a Premier beat when you heard the new song, but it didn't hit like it did for those couple of months before when you couldn't stop listening. When you heard the latest Neptunes beat you felt like you had heard it before, but it was just reworked for the latest rap act. Same goes for Michael Bay.
When the Rock came out viewers and critics were pleased. Even if you don't like action movies you have the respect the time that was put into filming that car chase in San Francisco in the beginning of the movie. It was nominated for a Best Sound Oscar, which is Hollywood's way of saying that we really liked the movie, but it would never EVER garner enough respect for one of the more serious nominations.
When Armageddon came out we were like OK...this is what this dude does. This is his thing, and he is sticking to it. I think the movie is LUDICROUS, but so does he, and he was hoping you would too. It was like that recycled Premier beat when you heard it 2 years later. You knew it was DJ Premier, you could hear the jazz influence, but it just wasn't the same. You didn't lose that initial respect though. You didn't forget that first time your ears thanked you all night long. Same goes for Mr. Bay here. You need to respect his style...he will continue to do it, and you will remember that first time you witnessed it. If you forget where you come're never going to make it where you're going.

Does this dude look like her cares?:,%20Michael

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

I will be your accident if you will be my ambulance

If you are driving around in your car and feel like crying listen to Lay Lady Lay by Bob Dylan. It sounds like an OLD country western song, but doesn't sound anything like Toby Keith. You can imagine the crusty Dylan slowly riding his horse through a town of tumbleweeds strumming his guitar as he cries out this song:

Lay, lady, lay, lay across my big brass bed
Lay, lady, lay, lay across my big brass bed
Whatever colors you have in your mind
I'll show them to you and you'll see them shine
Lay, lady, lay, lay across my big brass bed
Stay, lady, stay, stay with your man awhile
Until the break of day, let me see you make him smile
His clothes are dirty but his hands are clean
And you're the best thing that he's ever seen
Stay, lady, stay, stay with your man awhile
Why wait any longer for the world to begin
You can have your cake and eat it too
Why wait any longer for the one you love
When he's standing in front of you
Lay, lady, lay, lay across my big brass bed
Stay, lady, stay, stay while the night is still ahead
I long to see you in the morning light
I long to reach for you in the night
Stay, lady, stay, stay while the night is still

Just a great song that envokes emotion when you have that long car ride all alone on the New Jersey Turnpike. Music while you are driving alone is like therapy. If you are a secret fan of "Forever in Blue Jeans" by Neil Diamond you can just blast the hell out of it while that SUV cruising next to you is wondering why you are wearing a sequined sportcoat as you trudge along the highway. I worked construction the summer before my freshman year of college, and by the end of the day I was dirty and miserable until I stepped into my teal Cavalier. If you are wondering what kind of car this is just drive by a convent. For some reason this is a poplular vehicle among the Nun community.

ANYWAY when I dusted off my steel toes and took that seashell of a hardhat off I would pop in one of the best tapes EVER : "Bill Withers Greatest Hits". I would immdeiately start blasting Lovely Day, and I would forget about everything. I would forget sweeping. I would forget about eating a dust covered peanut butter sandwich and the dirt that would transfer from my mouth onto the soggy cartons of Iced Tea that I used to demolish. I would forget about my JOB, and that was the most important thing to me at that point in my life. This was a beautiful time for me, and it was all because of a beautiful song. I still don't have a car with a CD player, and I still have this tape. It still gets plenty of burn but it's never the same as it was that summer.

Thursday, July 14, 2005

You're staring at the sun...You're staring at the sea...your body's over me

WEST HARTFORD, Conn. - An expert in eating disorders collapsed in a supermarket after inhaling propellant from whipped cream cans, according to police. Lisa G. Berzins, a prominent psychologist who has been on national television and radio shows and in newspaper articles, was arrested on a warrant Friday charging her in the May 29 incident, The Hartford Courant reported. Berzins, 49, has a practice in West Hartford. She has written and lectured on eating disorders, female development, sex roles and self-esteem, according a speaker's biography from the American Psychological Association. According to the arrest warrant affidavit, West Hartford police responded to the Farmington Avenue Stop & Shop and found Berzins lying on the floor and bleeding from her head. Berzins, the affidavit says, told police she did not know what happened. Police interviewed witnesses and collected evidence, then determined that Berzins apparently inhaled from three cans of whipped cream containing nitrous oxide, known as laughing gas, the affidavit says. (From

Yes this is a bizarre occurence, but it makes complete sense. This woman is a psychologist who deals with patients with severe self esteem issues. Of course it's sounds horrible when you see it in print. The headline practically reads: Prominent Psychologist does Whippets in Public and PAYS for it! Yes this act is totally uncalled for, and she is being punished for her actions through the media's coverage. Anyone who deals with people with issues such as these needs to have experienced in same way or form in their own life. Maybe she had an eating disorder at one point. The point is is that someone who deals with self esteem issues must have some of their own in order to help those with the same inadequicies. This woman obviously still has some problems if she is huffing Reddi-Whip at convenience stores, passing out and splitting hear head open. She has some of her own demons lurking in the shadows making it easier to see her patient's demons. It goes along the lines with a cop being able to indentify certain things that only someone who has experienced them can do so. A cop who used to use certain drugs and knows the process of obtaining them is going to be much better than a cop with a clean slate. An alcoholic is always an alcoholic. An addict is always an addict. This psychologist is successful because she still has that larceny in her. She knows how the mind of someone with no self control works because she struggles with self control too. I would rather someone with their own self esteem issues to help me with mine. Someone needs to fade out of the blue and into the black to help themselves back into that blue again. (Thanks Neil Young).


If your movie has Luke Perry in it you need to blur his face:

Should read: I love cocaine:

Doesn't look like there is much JOY:


Wednesday, July 13, 2005

What de hell

I am trying to publish some nonsencical bullshit and it wont let me

Sunday, July 10, 2005

When you get what you want but not what you need

Digital Trapeziod Map

AHHHH the movies. I will always be in line for afternoon show of the new blockbuster the day they come out. It's an escape of sorts especially when absolutely no thought has to go into what is being flashed before your eyes. Sometimes I am by myself and other times I go with my buddy who we will call Mikey Pooch. Mikey Pooch is always down to see something shitty at 2 o'clock on a Tuesday afternoon because he hates his job more than you. As you all know the idea well is quite dry these days for the movie studios i.e. :Bewitched...THE MOVIE! Fat Albert...THE MOVIE! Dukes of Hazard...THE MOVIE. Family Matters...the MOVIE! That last one is not real but it will be someday. I know that all media is derived or evolved somehow from other mediums, but have we gotten this lazy? I saw we and not them because we all feed into this stuff believe it or not. Even though we are not racing out to see all of it we still embrace it. Example: All of these new age horror films filled with creepy kids and digitial effects, a have all been done in asian film world. The Ring, Grudge, Dark Water...they have all been made before along with a bunch of other new age horror shit films. The funny thing is....we all fucking know it. These asian imports can be bought just about anywhere. They even have them next to their remakes at the store so you can buy the original and the rip-off/remake. Some of it might part of the recent boom in DVD sales. They are flying off the shelves everywhere so the stuidos are just pumping shit out there. They are making more than the box office and their sales have like tripled in the past year. SOOOO maybe that's why all this shit is being thrown into my freckled face.
ANYWAY...I appreciate the "digital age" of film. I am disgusted though by the overuse of it all. Characters that are completely digitally rendered can take alot from a movie, but they will never stop making them in fact they will one day make this movie....THE SITCOMS.

In the year 2015 they are going to release a film where all the characters are computer generated images. Kind of like SImone in that Al Pacino movie titled SImone that you and I never saw. The technology will be so advanced in the next ten years that we won't be able to tell the real from the fake, which is scary when you think about it. So they are going to make a movie about all former sitcom characters living in the same neighborhood, but all of these characters are going to be digital because quite simply Rudy just doesn't look the same. So the Cosby's will live next door to the Fresh Prince of Bel Air. Theo and the Fresh Prince will continue to rag on Carlton, who will become friends with Elvin.,%20Geoffrey (the dude in the upper right corner) Seinfeld will trade saracastic quips with Alex P. Keaton. Ben from growing Pains will compete with Kramer for attention. And the the witch from Bewitched will race the Flying Nun on a daily basis to impress the Bosom Buddies. Hopefully Urkel will have sex, but not with Laura. He will bone the robot chick from Small Wonder. Will he use his own robot Urkel that we were introduced to in like the 4th season?
They are going to be so "idealess" in the next ten years that this 300 million dollar picture will take 2 years to make and will be released around christmas time because that is a good time for shit like this. And movies are made like this cause creeps like me take time to think about it. I will be in linefor the 3:15 show when the time comes.

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

I'll be a mom and poppa coming for you

There is an inviting sign on the lone urinal in my office. It reads: "IF YOU USE THIS TOILET IT MAY OVERFLOW." Why give us a choice? Is this some type of candid camera trick to get someone to roll the dice, use the urinal, and get BLASTED by a stream of derrrty water? A DO NOT USE sign would be plenty efficient. The interesting thing is that I actually took a minute to ponder whether I should use the urinal or not. The feeling of accomplishment that I would get from rolling the dice and not getting blasted could enstill and extrememe amount of confidence in me. I could use this new power to actually speak to a female while I am out galavanting. My horrendous move of going up to a girl who is smoking and asking for a light is failing MISERABLY. I go ask for the light...usually fuck up trying to get the thing even started, and the proceed to nod (a thank you nod) with the smoke in my mouth. This ignites a rush of water flowing from my bloodshot eyes cause the smoke is eating my eyeballs. I find myself doing this all the time when I smoke cigs. Especially when I drive. Amateur smokers can you feel me? I leave it in the mouth when I talk to people and then start making the ugliest squinting face you can imagine. I look just like this guy: . God I am FUCKING smooth.

Some of you have seen War of the Worlds and there is something that is very odd at one point in this film. Cruise gets sucked into an ASSHOLE like contraption in the bottom of the alien spaceship. The scene was so sexual and I am not exactly sure why Spielberg put in in the film. I understand he was going for the whole organic material crossed with man made material for his spaceships, but this was blatant. Tom Cruise got eaten by a giant alien asshole and made an explosion inside of it. Say that last sentence to anyone who asks you what you thought of War of the Worlds. It's a completely true statement, and sums it all up to a T.