Thursday, March 24, 2005

Catch a swollen heart from not going smart

Well the Sixers won last night by 23 over Detroit! BUT...Larry Brown was out as well as Rip Hamilton so don't get your hopes up. Larry Brown was replaced by the corpse of Ossie Davis and Rip was replaced by Benecio Del Toro.
Webber as usual stood still and took jumpers, Igoudala is looking more and more like Scottie Pippen (he went 10,10,10) , and Iverson gunned like no other. A.I. went 15-26 with 39 points 10 assists and 8 turnovers. His turnovers have increased since the Webber trade and this makes me wonder. Does Allen not want his shining star to dimmed by the light of another All-Star? Does he feel that we are going to forget that he is one of the most exciting players of all time? No Allen we are not. We will never forget that hustle. We will never forget the 2001 finals when you stepped over Tyronn Lue. We will never forget the "PRACTICE" quote. When we are up by 17 just slow it down a little. Take some time of that clock so we can run to the press room and stare at O'brien as he simply stares back at us. We play Toronto on Fri, and if we win we will be .500. Let's just hope Donyell Marshall doesn't smoke 3 blunts instead of his usual 5 on game day because that is the reason he hit 34 threes last time we played.

Other Crap:

Whitney Houston has checked into drug rehab again. I can just see Bobby Brown all coked out running around their mansion with no shirt on and black baggy pants with suspenders. I bet he still wears one of those black hats with the metal on it too. The kind you would by off a street vendor nowadays.

Soccer Star's Mom Kidnapped
Tue Mar 22,11:10 AM ET

Oddly Enough - Reuters
SAO PAULO, Brazil from Sao Paulo.
Reuters Photo

Last month, the mother of Sao Paulo striker Grafite, whose legal name is Edinaldo Batista Libanio, was held for a day before police rescued her with no ransom paid.
The mother of Santos player Robinho was held 41 days before being released. Robinho, or Robson de Souza, did pay ransom in that case but it was not known how much.
Earlier this month, the mother of Luis Fabiano, who is nicknamed "The Fabulous" and plays for Portuguese team Porto, was kidnapped.

Remember the guy who scored on his own team during the world cup and was shot when he returned to his country? I thought putting batteries in snowballs and throwing them at Santa as he cruised through the Vet on a four wheeler was bad.

I used to loves this movie Ratboy when I was a kid and I found this ludicrous poster for the film. I believe this one is from Germany.

Did you know that Chyna made a sex tape? WHAAAAATTT. I also heard that they are releasing the Ernest Borgnine sex tape within the next couple of weeks.

I'm out like Mark Chumura at an after-prom party

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

I have missed you all...dearly.

Sorry for the delay everyone...I know that I took away about ten minutes of time you could have wasted at work, and I am sorry. What was I doing all last week? Butt surgery. I got a spinchterotomy. Am I lying? NO. Was it painful? Yes, but more of a relief than anything. They had to repair a tear in my spinchter muscle which explains why I have been taking the metamucil. All of you meatheads wondering if this is a result of my being gay...I am now even gayer than before. At least I got to sit home for a week and do nothing but watch TV and wish that I had digital cable. Some things I noticed with the time off:

-Why do I constantly watch MTV? The whole thought of the show Room Raiders boils my blood, but I can't stay away. The show consists of girls searching for gizz stains on some dude's sheets with a black light, and guys looking through girls underwear drawers as they hold back from taking a sniff. Maybe that's why I watch.

-Does HBO play Space Jam once a week? I find myself watching at least 10 minutes each time. It is always the end scene as Bill Murray sits in the stands with Larry Bird after Jordan comes back from the cartoon world. Then the credits roll with Seal's cover of Steve Miller's Fly Like and Eagle. Have you ever noticed this phenomenon? You are flipping through the channels and always catch the same scene of a movie or the same episode of a TV show. I never got into Saved By the Bell, but everytime I turned it on it was the episode where Jesse Spano gets addicted to caffiene pills. She breaks down to her friends as she is singing "I'm so excited and I just can't hiiiiiiiddddeeeeee it" This scene is obviously the reason she landed the lead in Showgirls. Baywatch was another show that I never watched, but everytime I turned it on it was the episode where Hobie was in a band and an earthquake hit right before he was about to bust out a mean keyboard solo. Someone at a huge state college has done a thesis on this phenomen..I bet they got a B-.

-For the second year in a row I snaked my way into being home for the tournament. Last year I had quit my job before the madness began. So for 6 consecutive years I have been able to sit on a couch for 17 hours and watch college hoops...Amazing. The previous four years I was in college and decided not to go to my fingerpainting classes on the first two rounds of the tourney. All of you who picked Syracuse to go to the Final Four I don't feel bad for you. McNamara is OVERRATED like Sal Smith was. In fact Sal Smith was better than McNamara and his dad was the coach so he got even more P.T. than Jerry. He is a streaky shooter, and when you have money on a game and he goes 4/67 from the three point line he begins to suck even more. He is slow, not a great ball handler, and looked lost sometimes this year. His father looks like the type who made Jerry shoot 500 free throws after a triple overtime game because he went 11/12 from the charity stripe. Whenever the camera was on his dad he was scowling and his wife had a look on her face like she was going to get hate fucked that night if the 'Cuse lost. Case in point the Vermont game...this kid dribbles it off the side of his foot at halfcourt to force the turnover. They won that national championship because of Melo and Warrick...not Jerry. I know he made some threes, but he shot his load 2 years ago in the tourney as has been downhill ever since. Positives from that Vermont game:

Taylor Coppenwrath looks like Chewbacca.

And Sorrentine (the white guard #11) is SICK. The dude is an absolute gun...give him and NBA TRYOUT! Woody Paige sweats him too...Woody accidentaly said on Cold Pizza the other day that watching Vermont is even better after pulling some tubes and popping in a MOE concert bootleg while turning the sound on the TV all the way down.

-Almost all of the underdogs covered the spread in the first round. They day where a 16 seed beats a 1 seed is upon us.

Props to Delaware State for exposing how horrible Shavlik Randolph is. They kept pulling the man he was covering out to beat him off the dribble, and Shavlik looked like he was on ice skates. This dude was an NBA PROSPECT coming out of high school. Are you kidding me? Is it his funny name? He has a weird enough name to be on the REAL WORLD, but not enough to change a game. If Delaware State could shoot they could have won that game.

-The first two rounds are the best...hands down.

-I recently discovered that Wisc. Milwaukee's coach, Bruce Pearl, has some beef with the fighting Illini. When he was an assistant for Iowa some years back he wore a bug to expose a recruiting scandal at the University of Illinois. Why hasn't ESPN picked up on this story? Don't they love stuff like this? Bob Ley will be happy to do an Outside the Lines on it. He must be sick of doing coach -player sex abuse stories...the dude has to do one every other week. Pretty soon his is going to have to tell everyone in his neighborhood that HE is a sex offender. Can't wait to watch that game. I like Illinois to win outright and cover the spread, which is currently 10.5.

-When is Stephen A Smith going to be parodied on the Chapelle Show?

-Why did I rent I, Robot?

Well I am glad to be back to work..honestly.

I'm out like a boner in sweatpants.

Friday, March 11, 2005


Cat Shoots Owner

Strange News - AP
BATES TOWNSHIP, Mich. - A man cooking in his kitchen was shot after one of his cats knocked his 9mm handgun onto the floor, discharging the weapon, Michigan State Police said.

Joseph Stanton, 29, of Bates Township in Iron County, was shot in his lower torso around 6 p.m. Tuesday, the state police post in Iron River reported. He was transported to Iron County Community Hospital.
Michelle Sand, a spokeswoman at the Iron River hospital, said Stanton was treated there before being transferred to Marquette General Hospital for further treatment. But Marcie Miller, a representative of the Marquette facility, said there was no record of the hospital receiving a patient by that name.
A telephone message seeking comment was left Wednesday at Stanton's home.
State police said he was cooking at his stove when the cat knocked the loaded gun off the kitchen counter behind him.

This is ludicrous...just amazing. Even if this is true, which I think it could be the worst excuse ever, it's out of control. This guy must have been like...did my fucking CAT just shoot me? Imagine the phone call to the EMT, "Yes my feline has dischardged a weapon in my kitchen, thank god, and the bullet has entered my lower torso." So many jokes could be made from this situation..."Mess with that dirty p****'ll get burned. " We could go on for days here but I will let you all post me some. This story couldn't be shadier either. A loaded gun on the kitchen counter while you cook dinner? Was he putting bullets on his Ellio's?
This is what really happened...Joseph Stanton of Bates Township was making crack on his stove when he was shot by his cat, Bojangles. While Joseph was turning cocaine into crack early Thursay afternoon he had placed his loaded 9MM on the kitchen counter in case some buster came in and tried to jack his stash. This was a routine procedure for Stanton until this fateful afternoon when he noticed that Bojangles was acting differently. He then noticed that his crack baggies were strewn about the linoleum floor empty and chewed up. Realizing that Bojangles was the one who had been jacking his stash his mood changed from furious to complete and utter shock when he turned to see his cracked out cat pointing the 9MM at his owner. He shouted, "BOJANGLES NO!", but the cat was tired of being told what to do so he blasted him in the lower torso.
That is what really happened.

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Chris Weboooooooeerr

Once again Chris Webber is not sleeping tonight after yet another dismal performance as a Philadelphia 86er (If you don't get the 86er joke ask somebody who works in a restaurant). He drags that knee around like of of Qyntel Woods' pitbulls went to town on it. His facial expressions range from constipated to WHA HAPPENED? I actually am starting to feel bad for the guy to tell you the truth. He was treated like a golden god in Sacto, and now he comes to the city that hates you back. He looks shocked at the negativity that's surrounding him, and slipped out the back door last night when the press was ready to fire away at him. 8 points and 5 boards in 30 minutes of action. I am shocked he got 5 boards! Troy Murphy looked like Wilt Chamberlin last night, and Mike Dunleavy looked like a number 3 pick. You know things are bad when 2 white guys dominate. Negadelphians get ready to rumble because this isn't going to get any better. A.I. even said after the game, "things can only get worse." Not to mention he is subliminally taking shots at Webber in these post game press conferences. Have you noticed this? He is secretly breaking Weber down with comments about people on the team being "men" about the whole situation.
Iverson had five assists last night, but that number is moved to -7 because of his 12 turnovers. He was trying to do everything himself, and bringing Webber into the mix was supposed to end that gameplan. Wait a second...we don't even run an offense. I like when the lineup is McKie, Rogers, Korver, Jackson, and of course A.I. O'brien loves this lineup during crunch time. I also like to have 3 of the slowest players in the league (Aaron, Rodney, and Kyle), the unbelievable amount of shots that Jackson throws up, and 2 big men who don't play down low. Marc the Philly guy, but COME ON MAN! Do you have to shoot everytime the ball hits your hands? And those jumpers? Please play down low...please. The fans like when you scream like a fool when you shoot layups and grab rebounds. Rodney Rogers shouldn't have moved to the cheesesteak capital of the world either. His playing weight by next year? 342. Use some of that weight to mix it up a bit. Stop playing like the guy in the rec leagues who was awesome in high school, but is way too out of shape now to run or jump so you just resort to standing on the perimeter so you can shoot threes. I like O'brien as much as the next guy, but those 5 were the lineup when we were down to the Hotlanta Squawks with 3 minutes left in the game last Saturday.
So the questions continue to come flowing in, and the haters will always hate. HATE HATE HATE. Will we make the playoffs? Hopefully...will the Cavs? Most least we can still watch Lebron James when the regular season is over.

Sunday, March 06, 2005

Friday, March 04, 2005


My recent ass prolbems that I have been having: sore ass, bloody TP, overall was suggested that I should start taking metamucil. You know those fiber pills that look like dirt from the school yard in little plastic capsules. Well you are told to take 6 of these horse pills at a time. So I have been taking these things for about 2 days and I hadn't seen any sort of significant change. I actually have been more constipated that usual, which was worrying me. The metamucil is supposed to soften your "stool" to make it easier on the way out. I felt like my shit was coming out in the form of the huge die that they give you with the cattegories game. You know it's hard and 26 sided.

Thursday, March 03, 2005

A true Villian

This is from one of the worst stories I have heard in a long time. This horrible girl might be one of the most evil people EVER...Even worst than Mac Culkin in the Good Son. Maybe one of the weakest movie villians of all time. One of the best movie villians of all time? WILLIAM ATHERTON...go to and put his name in. He was the moustached prick in Ghostbusters, the dickhead cop in Die Hard, and the know it all professor who manipulated his students to make a WMD in Real Genius. Real Genius might be one of the most UNDERrated movies of all time. One of Kilmer's best performances...he is even funnier in TOP SECRET. I feel that he has fallen off of late though. What was his last good movie? His faceless performance in TRUE ROMANCE?

Wheelchair league?

After watching Chris Webber play his second game for the Sixers many questions come to mind. Can he jump anymore? Could he ever jump? Isn't he 6' why does he play farther out on the perimeter than Kyle Kutcher? He went 4-18 against the Nets last night and was greeted at the Wachovia Center with a sea of BOOOO's from the classiest fans in America. I can see Webber laying in his bed this morning clutching his sheets with those jeers echoing through his skull. He is also clutching those sheets wishing that Tyra Banks was rubbing that knee right now, which is held together by scotch tape. This guy is going to get eaten alive in Philly if he turns out to be a complete bust, and I don't think he has the mentality to handle it. Well he always has a rap career to fall back on.