Tuesday, May 31, 2005

I'm a real live wire

CRACKING AWAY

San Francisco hosts self-pleasure marathon Reuters - Sun May 29, 1:51 AM ET
SAN FRANCISCO (Reuters) - San Francisco's Center for Sex and Culture played host on Saturday to the city's annual "Masturbate-a-thon," an event its organizers said could draw up to 120 people from across the United States aiming to have a good time with themselves.


They should go to all the catholic grade schools around the country and round up every male eight- grader making the number rise IONS above 120. Most young males have held their own self pleasure marathons when they stay home "sick" from school for a day. It's hard to stay focused when you are home alone watching the Price is Right and the camera suddenly goes from the leathery Bob Barker to a hot floor model spreading eagle on a Dodge Stratus.

Brooke Shields obviously read my previous post about Tom Cruise...and you should too since, unlike me, you didn't have work yesterday.

Shields Attacks Cruise for Criticizing Her Drug Use
Actress Brooke Shields has lambasted former pal Tom Cruise for criticizing her "misguided" use of drugs to combat her post-natal depression. Cruise - who claims to have helped people fight drug addictions through his controversial Scientology religion - recently attacked the Suddenly Susan star for becoming dependant on Paxil, following the birth of her daughter Rowan. But Shields is disgusted by the Top Gun star's "dangerous" comments and took a swipe at his Scientology beliefs, by saying she wouldn't take advice from someone who devotes his life to creatures from outer space. She fumes, "His comments are dangerous. He should stick to saving the world from aliens." Shields is currently weaning herself off her medication so she and husband Chris Henchy can have another child.

Random thoughts and questions

Why do I sweat rap music?

*I went and saw the GZA last Thursday in Philly. He came out around 1 AM and was obviously drunk and called some white dude, who was asking for an autograph in the front row HARRY POTTER! If I was black I would assume that all white nerds were "Harry Potters." White people call all black nerds "Steve Urkels". http://www.overspun.com/images/urkel.jpeg

Why am I fan of the NBA?

Why will I watch the same episodes of MTV's the Inferno 47 times a piece?

Why was Rob and Amber's fucking wedding on TV?

Why has Sean Marion shot only about 15 times in the series against the Spurs?

POSTER TIME!!!!!!!!!!

Just got signed by the Eagles:
http://www.impawards.com/1998/air_bud_golden_receiver_ver2.html

Cue ridiculous Guitar riff and saxaphone :

http://www.impawards.com/1998/lethal_weapon_four_ver3.html

BIG...piece of crap:

http://www.impawards.com/1998/small_soldiers_ver3.html

PEACE Kids



Sunday, May 29, 2005

Don't worry about the government

The Cruise Factor:
I came across this aricle on IMDB and the title alone proves my theory about Tom Cruise:

Cruise Launches War on Psychiatrists
Tom Cruise has declared a public war on psychiatrists because he fears the "pseudo-science" has led to a drug-fuelled crisis for today's children. The movie hunk was diagnosed as dyslexic when he was just seven, and doctors suggested he should take drugs to control his learning problems. Memories of that part of his childhood fuelled Cruise to seek alternative ways of overcoming his dyslexia - a problem that led him to the Church of Scientology's educational programs. Becoming a scientologist in 1984 made the actor look closely at the controversial religion's anti-psychiatry stance, and he has since become a firm believer that the science and the medicating of children is wrong. Speaking exclusively to US news show Access Hollywood as part of a week-long special about his scientology beliefs, the movie hunk declares, "I'm going right after psychiatry and these false labels and this pseudo-science. I was diagnosed as dyslexic; I had a lot of energy as a child. They wanted to put me on drugs... Never did; my mother said no, absolutely not, no way and I'm thankful. Had I been put on those drugs, I never would be here today... I never would have had the career that I'm having. Am I making people aware of it by discussing it openly and saying what a fraud psychiatry is? You bet I am. I feel a responsibility because I care..." The actor also maintains that poor results in education in America can be blamed on mind-altering drugs that are given to children. He adds, "SAT (exam) scores have gone right down the toilet. The parents are blaming the teachers, the teachers are blaming the parents and the psychs are putting everyone on drugs."

WOW...thats alot to handle, and his quotes are exactly how he speaks. He just reels shit off. He asks lot's of questions that he answers immediately. "Am I an asshole sometimes? Of course I am! Do I mind? No because it's the psychiatrists who are telling me to mind!" There is something about Tom Cruise that has always irked me, and I could never put my finger on it until his recent public gushings over his new girlfriend. There is a problem with every Tom Cruise movie: It's starring TOM CRUISE. Whenever I see one of his movies I don't see his character...all I see is Tom Cruise. There is no getting around it. The Last Samurai was on TV for the 12 trillionth time yesterday, and I didn't see a military man. I saw Tom Cruise running and screaming amongst alot of asian people with swords. For a second I thought I saw him in those Risky Business tighty whities at one point slashing through the crowd. If you have the DVD you can pause it at the correct point to see this hidden scene.
He doesn't have many different facial expressions either. This guy is all teeth all the time. He and Patrick Ewing should have a contest to see who has the most distracting chompers.
http://www.theage.com.au/ffximage/2005/01/12/cruise_narrowweb__200x285.jpg
http://img.slate.msn.com/media/82/020918_PatrickEwing.jpg
Tom Cruise is like a hologram. He isn't real. He doesn't even have a belly button because he was created in a lab in hollywood 1962. It's hard for me to explain my problem with Cruise because it is filled with mystery. Maybe it is because he is such a big star that I simply can't get around that fact. Everyone knows who he is, and he is TOO nice when you see him in an interview or any kind of public performance. If you went out this weekend and saw Tom Cruise at a bar he would most likely talk to you, by you a drink, and offer to have you back to his room to watch him have sex with Katie Holmes. He would actually convince you to watch the sex.
I think Cruise's character in Magnolia is a perfect description of the person he really is...Frank T.J. Mackey:
http://us.movies1.yimg.com/movies.yahoo.com/images/hv/photo/movie_pix/new_line_cinema/magnolia/tom_cruise/mag.jpg
As T.J. Mackey Cruise plays a character that is most like his real life persona. He commands a crowd with his constant ramblings and that million dollar smile. Cruise and T.J. have this" I couldn't be happier about my life" attitude going for them that never ceases. It is almost like Cruise is in a constant orgasmic state. To put it blunty...he is always cumming. Cruise has actually reached a level that's beyong tantric sex and he won't share his secret with anyone. In Magnolia T.J. is confronted by a journalist who breaks him down during an interview. She asks him some real questions about his family, and T.J. doesn't have many answers. He has completely erased his checkered past from his little brain. The real Tom Cruise wouldn't have any answers either because he is a pod person. Like I said before he was made in a lab somewhere in Hollywood.
So my main problem with Tom Cruise is that he is TOM CRUISE. He could do anything he wanted in Hollywood...honeslty. When you look at his list of films the guy really hasn't failed.
LEGEND isn't even as bad as some people say it is. Eyes Wide Shut is pretty ludicrous, but it's Kubrick's last show, and that film will always have an excuse for it's missing pieces...Kubrick died. There is also Losin It, which I have never seen or heard of, but don't balme Tom Cruise. Blame the casting director because Jackie Earle Haley is in it. You know the tough kid from the Bad News Bars who rocks the motorcycle and hooks up with chicks :
http://www.imdb.com/gallery/hh/0355097/HH/0355097/JackieEarleHaley2_picts.jpg?path=pgallery&path_key=Haley,%20Jackie%20Earle
Cruise is a hollywood darling that will never cease to exist. He is always going to be around. He is always going to put people into a trance. He is never going to make a movie that absolutely bombs either. Tom will continue to dominate and we all will continue to buy tickets to his films. Just Remember kids...he isn't a real person, and you can take his characters in anyof his movies and switch it up. For instance Jerry Maguire could be in All the Right Moves, and you wouldn't even bat an eyelash. Go see Magnolia and you will know what the hell I am talking about.

POSTER TIME!!!!!!

Deniro as a German Sheperd:
http://www.impawards.com/1989/jacknife.html

YEAAAAHHHHHHH
http://www.impawards.com/1989/no_holds_barred.html

What Michael Jackson does before he goes to bed at night:
http://www.impawards.com/1989/phantom_of_the_opera.html

PEACE

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

My bed is on fire with your love

Tennis shoes and a Zorro mask

Masked Flasher Targeting Women May 24, 2005 6:00 pm US/EasternDOYLESTOWN, P.A. (KYW) He wears a mask like Zorro, but no clothes. CBS 3’s Lesley Van Arsdall reports, police are searching for a most unusual flasher targeting women in Doylestown.“Some odd things have happened around here but this is definitely a new one,” said Doylestown resident Liz Benke.Many people in Doylestown find it hard to believe that a man dressed only in a Zorro mask has been following women. Police say it has been happening for months, but went unreported until this weekend when there was several sightings of the suspect approaching women.“We had two women walking down the street and he pops up wearing nothing but a Zorro mask,” described Lieutenant Michael Cummings. One of the women approached was Christina Gambino's friend and coworker at Chico 's clothing store on main street.“Apparently he runs up to Amy and her friend, jumps in front and says, ‘Hello ladies!’ and runs into the dark,” said Gambino with a smile. Although it sounds comical, police are taking it seriously.If you are approached by the suspect, Lt. Cummings says, “Get away from him, make some noise, and make sure people know what's going on.”


They are claiming that this masked man is mentally ill. I say he is a mental GIANT. Whenever I hear about incidents like this I have to let out a nervous laugh. The concept of flashing is simply beyond me. The only satisfaction I could see someone getting from it is a good laugh while you are running away from your victim. My mother was flashed by a man when she was sitting on the swings on a Philadelphia playground as a child. She said the man walked up and opened his coat and exposed his naked "E.T. like" body. He then closed his coat up and scampered away like the squirrel that he was. Five years later they were engaged to be married.
Thanks Dad:http://www.babaloons.com/nocalcharacters/images/zorro.gif

Why there are nursing homes:
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/caller_jailed

Schwarzenegger "Suspects Stallone of Nazi Smear Campaign"
California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger suspects his former rival Sylvester Stallone of leading a secret 1980s campaign to give the Terminator star a reputation as a Nazi sympathizer, according to a new book. The two Hollywood action stars were bitter enemies in 1988, after Schwarzenegger enjoyed an affair with Stallone's ex-wife Brigitte Nielsen and accused the Rocky actor of hiring publicity agents to save his image. And in new book Fantastic: The Life Of Arnold Schwarzenegger, biographer Laurence Leamer claims Stallone sought vengeance by telling British journalist Wendy Leigh that Schwarzenegger's Austrian father helped round up Jews during the Holocaust and that Schwarzenegger was a "secret admirer of Hitler". Leigh claims Stallone paid her legal fees and covered her settlement to the Austrian actor, after he sued Leigh for libel when she published Stallone's alleged comments in a book. And although Stallone insists he did not contribute to Leigh's controversial tome, Leamer claims Schwarzenegger "reluctantly" confirmed he still believes Stallone worked to smear him as a fascist sympathizer, reports America's New York Daily News newspaper. The pair have since settled their differences and are firm friends again.

WOW...I am an ever bigger fan of Stallone now. There is nothing like accusing someone of being a nazi to defame their character. I have accused all of my rivals of being nazi's...even the jewish ones. Mad props to Ahnuld for getting back at him by sleeping with Brigitte Nielsen. Any Stallone rival could sleep with Brigitte Nielsen. All you have to do is bring a copy of this with you: http://movies.nnov.ru/Covers/Stop!%20Or%20My%20Mom%20Will%20Shoot.jpg . Someone could do a thesis paper on the careers of the action heroes. Who has made the worst movies? Who's movie career fizzled the fastest? Who sounds the worst while they are delivering their lines?
Stallone Stinkers:
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0102603/
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0105477/
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0111255/
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0113492/
Stallone Classics:
Rocky 1,4
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0065904/
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0090859/
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0093692/
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0106582/
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0083944/

I am personally a Stallone guy, but many disagree. I have to get back to work, but I will certainly have a Ahnuld run down soon and the winner of best laughable action star of the late 70' s and 80's.

I'm out like the horse collar tackle

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

I see the future, and it's all mine

http://www.tvtome.com/images/shows/0/4/81-10898.jpg
I have two favorite sitcoms that I think I have seen every episode of and they are: The Cosby Show and The Fresh Prince of Bel Air. If you have digital cable you will notice that these two shows can be seen pretty much hourly so if you want to master the "Carlton" or that strange gassy dance that Bill Cosby does during the intro...you are good to go. One thing I looked forward to every new Cosby season was that intro. They changed it up every season, and it was a great way to attract viewers. The opening credits evoked such great questions like this every season: What constipated dance was Bill going to ride out this season? Will Theo or Alvin have an even longer rat tail this season? Will Rudy lose the puberty moustache? Will Vanessa ever get some soul? What white kid will they befriend this season?
I recently saw one of the greatest episodes in the history of time. Not just one of the best Cosby episodes ever, but one of the best half hours in televison history. It's the episode when all the kids put on a show for the Grandparent's 50th wedding anniversary. They all lip synch a James Brown song, but I just can't remember the name of the song.
All of the girls are lined up those iconic stairs before the music starts while the grandparents can harldy contain themselves waiting for what comes next...BAM! Theo comes crashing down on us all as he trots down the steps doing one of the sickest James Brown impressions I have ever seen. The three older sisters were dancing on the stairs like no other while Theo held it down. Vanessa and Sondra had the least amount of rhythm and the hippie sister just danced like a hippie. Then Theo starts spinning so effortlessly you look at his feet to make sure he isn't rocking socks on the hardwood floor, but he isn't. He is just that smooth.
Dr. Heathcliff Huxtable comes out when the song goes instrumental and does his best Louie Armstrong while Theo plays a mean air bass. Then ladies and gentleman the soul crushing encore by Rudy Huxtable (the most dominant child actor in TV history besides the robot girl from Small Wonder : http://whytheluckystiff.net/i.content/small-wonder2.jpg ) .
Rudy comes out and the end of the song and just KILLS it...she nails it. She does a sub par lip synching job but that makes her even cuter. This further proves my theory that Rudy was so much better than that egotisical Raven Symone : http://www.dreamstarlets.com/features/!bios/raven22.jpg . Raven was too good at ther job. She tried to makes us all forget about Rudy being a little amateurish, but we didn't. She was too mature and professional to play a 4 year old. I don't want to see some sassy little kid with good vocab. I want to see a toothless cutie who relys on her smile and dimples. Raven knew she was hot shit, but Rudy just had it.
This episode is just amazing and it should be looped continuously at one of the Smithsonians. Next up: The curse of the Cosby Show.



POSTER TIME !!!!!

Just a disaster:
http://www.impawards.com/1993/coneheads_ver4.html

"We are a jamacian steroetype team!"
http://www.impawards.com/1993/cool_runnings_ver2.html

PEACE

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

I couldn't stand another hour of daylight

Viagra-fueled Italian stallions seized by police
Tue May 17,12:21 PM ET
ROME (Reuters) - Italian police have discovered a mob-linked race track where they say horses were pumped full of Viagra and other drugs to fix races. The illegally built and operated track, known locally as "Miss Charmet," is located on the outskirts of Naples city -- home to the Camorra, the local version of the Sicilian Mafia. "We are able to ascertain the use of the famous (drug) Viagra to increase the performance of these horses," police commander Mario Pantano told local television. It was not clear how Viagra affected the horses' speed. The track and its horses, worth an estimated 5 million euros ($6.4 million), were seized by authorities investigating illegal doping of horses, according to local media.


Real picture of aViagra fueled italian stallion : http://www.thewavemag.com/images/articles/7001-8000/7482.jpg
And a whole webiste filled with them : www.njguido.com

It's not clear how the Viagra affected the the horse's speed? Pumping a horse with viagra gives him an unbelievable adavatage: A FIFTH leg to run the race with. They also dress a female horse up like little Bo Peep and put her at the finish line prompting the horses to eye the prize as they are nearing the end of the race.

More stressed-out Australian pets being put on anti-depressant drugs
Tue May 17,11:28 AM ET
SYDNEY (AFP) - An increasing number of dogs and cats in Australia are reportedly being fed anti-depressant drugs to counteract obsessive compulsive disorder. An estimated three to six percent of the country's dogs and cats are diagnosed with the problem as owners act on telltale signs such as tail-biting, circling, pacing, shadow-chasing and excessive grooming, the Daily Telegraph said. Vet Robert Stabler was quoted as saying a combination of genes and the environment were responsible, with homes close to schools and shops getting animals excited. Stabler, who will speak about the problem at the Australian Veterinary Association annual conference this week, said owners can also pass on stress to pets after a hard day at work. "The dog might smell the owner's adrenalin or see body language change and may try to get attention by running around in circles," he was quoted as saying. "That makes it worse when the owner laughs and the animal gets attention that way."


Disturbing...just disturbing. How do you know if your fucking pet is stressed out? This goes right along with this sign of the apocalypse : www.neuticles.com . So if you laugh at your pet when they are excited it will be a blow to their self confidence? These are the same animals who will take in shit in the living room during a family party without worrying about a thing. I will tell you why Australian pets are stressed out. I interviewed quite an intelligent Rotweiller, Walter, from Australia and this is how it went :

Q: So what is the real deal with all this pet sadness?

Walter: Honestly Mr. Basedow it's the Australian stereotype. I blame Paul Hogan and the Crocodile Hunter. I have never heard an Aussie say, "SHRIMP ON THE BARBIE! or THAT'S NOT A KNIFE...THIS IS A KNIFE." The people are sick of being pigeonholed as knife weilding croc loving, shrimp cooking lunatics. Has there even been a regular role for an australian in any film or television program? NO...we have it worse than the little people.

Q : Okay, so what is the real deal with all this pet sadness?

Walter : Alright man...it's the koala. That fucking koala is so damn cute man...we get no attention. And the funny thing is that Koala's have ZERO personality. They are anti-social elitists who get all the pub.

POSTER TIME!!!

A movie about me:
http://www.impawards.com/1982/beastmaster.html

Only chuck norris can destroy genetically altered beasts:
http://www.impawards.com/1982/silent_rage.html

What happens when you take as many viagras as those horses:
http://www.impawards.com/1982/slumber_party_massacre.html

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

WOAH

This is utterly out of control...god I wish they had some pictures!
http://www.ltlf.co.uk/bbcnews.htm

Monday, May 16, 2005

Bring on the night

ST. PAUL, Minn. - A Roman Catholic priest denied communion to more than 100 people Sunday, saying they could not receive the sacrament because they wore rainbow-colored sashes to church to show support for gay Catholics.

What if they were just a group of people who really liked colors? I guess they denied this film and television star the holy sacrament because of his love for raindbow gear:
http://www.anni80.info/telefilm/images/mork.jpg .
If Joseph came in wearing his Technicolor Dreamcoat would he be denied communion? http://www.musik-ecke.com/pics/103/LB00002/IMGB000024H4E.jpg
Pretty soon the Catholic church will ban this production because it is just too colorful. What' s next... a ban on stained glass windows?

Has anyone seen the latest and greatest John Basedow infomercial? He transforms everyone else into mutants too? If you are up watching comcast at 4 in the morning while your are crying yourself to sleep check it out. He turned and portly grandmother into a cross between the Runaway Bride and a ripped Jessica Tandy...the old lady from Batteries Not Included. You know the underrated flick about flying mechanical hamburgers who save a buidling from being condemned.
http://www.scruffles.net/spielberg/movies/images/batteries-not-included-1.jpg

POSTER TIME !!!!

Yes this is GERMY
http://www.impawards.com/1993/germinal.html

Friday, May 13, 2005

We are waiting on the other side

Bogus mariachi bands rob music-lovers
By MEXICO CITY (Reuters) - In the latest crime ruse to hit Mexico City, thieves are dressing up as mariachi musicians in embroidered suits with wide-brimmed somberros to rob unsuspecting music-lovers.
Mingling among the roughly 1,700 licensed mariachi who serenade people with raucous folk songs in a central city square are hundreds of "pirate" mariachi more adept at picking pockets than strumming guitars, city officials say.
In a city where organized crime gangs make an easy living from armed assault and kidnapping, police fear the bogus musicians could trick people into taking them home to play at family parties, where mariachi are a popular treat.
"Since the end of last year we have been seeing mariachi who are not mariachi," said Jose Luis Tamayo, the government official in charge of a crackdown to weed them out.
"They are pinching wallets. They are going up to cars and signaling to accomplices if there's a bag or cell phone in sight. What worries us more than anything is that people could be robbed in their homes," he told Reuters.
The cantina-lined Plaza Garibaldi, which fills with mariachi bands and tequila stalls after dusk, is a notoriously shady area in Mexico City's crime-ridden historic center.
The Garibaldi crackdown will involve checks to see which mariachi have permits and a push to make them display them.
"We have reports of muggings," said Tamayo, who estimates there could be 800 "pirate" mariachi. "The problem is if you see someone approach dressed as a mariachi you don't worry."
Mexicans cite crime as one of their biggest worries. High unemployment and corrupt police have made the capital of around 18 million people one of the world's most dangerous cities.
"They do us a lot of damage because we get put in the same category," said mariachi violinist Vicente Monjardin. "They are crooks. People who let them into their homes will be robbed."


They apparently have a picture of these "pirate mariachi" :http://www.garnersclassics.com/pics/posters/amigos.jpg
I didn't know that Mariachi PLURAL didn't include an S...glad I know that for future mariachi references. The mariachi permit is also something that I am looking into. This reminds me of the rumor that the gentelman who dresses up as William Penn and walks around Philadelphia is actually a master pickpocket. Can you imagine admiring this fool in a hot summer day while he trances around sweating like no other because of that ridiculous wig: http://www.davidgrahamphotography.com/images/landofthefree/william-penn_med.jpg . Who would suspect Willian Penn when they put their hands into their backpockets/ purses and realize that their souls have been taken. Who would suspect such an iconic figure? I can't imagine what kind of skeletons the Ben Franklin impersonator has in his closet:http://www.catsinparis.com/boston/franklin.jpg . He looks even more villianous than Willian Penn.
Celebrity impersonators are just eerie in general. What celebrity would you impersonate if you could impersonate anyone? I have a top 5:

1. Gary Busey :http://www.meenophoto.com/boys/thumbnails/04%20gary%20busey%20visits%20jail.jpg . All you would have to do is get coked out of your skull and run around brathing heavily on people saying, "I WANT TWO MEATBALL SANDWICHES UTAH...TWO!"

2. William Atherton : http://movieshop.ru/catalog/people/005800/005803/i.jpg
My favorite movie villian of all time...dominates in GHOSTBUSTERS.

3. Little Hercules (Richard Sandrak) : http://www.craigproductions.com/archives/ECpics01/Richard_Sandrak_Little_Hercules.jpg
All you have to do is become freakishly ripped when you are like 6, and have a name of a 35 year old office manager. RICHARD SANDRAK!

4. Richard Grieco: http://www.shop4photos.net/graphics/288/28844.jpg
Just because my parents took me and my friends to see If Looks Could Kill for my birthday once...and he was on 21 Jump Street.

5. Ulysses S. Grant : http://www.brotherswar.com/Ulysses_S_Grant.jpg
Without a doubt the best name out of all the Presidents...next to James Polk. This would be another great disguise for a pickpocket.

POSTER TIME!!!!!

BASK IN THE GLORY OF MY SMOKING COCK!
http://www.impawards.com/1974/thunderbolt_and_lightfoot_ver2.html

A real SHITTY dog story:
http://www.impawards.com/1976/shaggy_d_a_ver2.html

This is a lie...dogs dont have souls:
http://www.impawards.com/1989/all_dogs_go_to_heaven.html

I'm out like Tiger Woods.
POSTER TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Saturday, May 07, 2005

Bean Envy

My family once had a pug who only had one descended testicle. He always seemed quite self conscious about this, and if he caught you looking at his deformity he would immediately sit down to hide this inconvenience. When we decided to get him neutured he lost a piece of his soul, and was never the same. Actually we got this pooch from a breeder and I am convinced that he was inbred. Maybe the dumbest pug in the history of time.
http://www.capitola.com/dogs/howl-o-ween/vampire-pug.jpg
As the internet grows so does the psychology of the domesticated animal. There are dog psychologists (I can hear nails on a chalkboard when I even type that statement) who will let you know if your doggy is suffering from post traumatic syndrome or even "middle child syndrome." We see celebrities carrying "vanity dogs" down the red carpet in Chanel dog bags. More people probably know Paris Hilton's dogs name than they do the Vice President's. Let's face it people canines are cool these days, and we are beginning to treat them more and more like real people.
There was a comedian who did a great bit about how ludicrous white people are about their animals. He talked about how dogs from the hood just get up and dust themselves off when they are hit by a car. I forget who did this bit, but it should be played on Animal Planet at least once a day, and it should pop up on the net before you click on this website: http://www.neuticles.com/index1.html
That's right ladies and germs you can now get your dog some NEUTICLES, which are fake testicles, if your dog is ashamed that he has been neutered. A genius question from the website:
My vet said my dog wont know that he's missing anything. Is that true?
People know their beloved pet. Their pet can tell them when they are hungry, want to play, don't feel well, hide when approaching the vet's office or will get excited when driving by or going to the park- why wouldn't the pet know a familiar body part is missing? Would he know if his foot was cut off? Of course he would- its only common sense.

Of course your dog feels belittled around other dogs who have testicles...that's why dogs are constantly up each others dog butts. They are always checking the genital region to see if other dogs are up to speed. Your dog does care if he has been neutered just like he cares that he licks this neutered region in the middle of the family room so everyone can see.
People fear the inevitable red rocket that your dog likes to show off and supposedly neutering your dog can slowly but surely all but eliminate this problem. So would these neuticles bring that red rocket back to prominence? That isn't a question that is asked on the webiste. But there are some great media quotes about neuticles, and yes Rush Limbaugh is a huge supporter of these fake beans:

The ASPCA implores pet owners to neuter- but what about the emasculated pet? Now there's Neuticles!"
The Daily Show
Didn't they know the Daily Show, which is genius, was making fun of them?

"Neuticles are just plain neat!"
Rush Limbaugh
No I didn't make that one up

"Neutered dogs have new reason to bark."
The Idaho Stateman
Only in Idaho

"A re-invention of the mousetrap."
Paul Harvey, radio personality
This is my favorite quote...hands down.

This is all our fault. I don't think products like this would survive without the internet. If you can by a cheeto that looks like the virgin mary then you can by some fake dog balls. I forgot to mention that they have a jewelry section:
http://www.neuticles.com/shop/images/necklace_small_single.jpg
http://www.neuticles.com/shop/images/necklace_small_double.jpg
Put this on your keys...you will never lose them:
http://www.neuticles.com/shop/images/keychain_medium_single.jpg
I'm getting one of these...or maybe I need TWO!
http://www.neuticles.com/index1.html

POSTER TIIZIME!!!!!

Another Sinbad classic:
http://www.impawards.com/1996/first_kid.html

YOU will sit in silence after seeing this:
http://www.impawards.com/1985/code_of_silence.html

VERY VERY BAD IDEA...I remember being scared of this:
http://www.impawards.com/1985/return_to_oz_ver2.html

PEACE TO ALL

Friday, May 06, 2005

I'll be a rock and Rollin bitch for you!

This dude is going to rule the world some day:
http://alumweb.mit.edu/classes/2004/images/officer-pics/AmalDorai.jpg

Why is he going to rule the world? Because he goes to MIT and is holding the first ever recorded time travel convention:http://abcnews.go.com/Technology/wireStory?id=735651
Will there be ladies there? Of course there will. I can just tell that AMAL holds it down, and never dissapoints. He has a dominant website that contains some thought provoking questions: http://web.mit.edu/adorai/timetraveler/
Here are some of those wonderful questions:
Isn't time travel impossible ?
We can't know for certain. The ancient Greeks would have thought computers were impossible, and the Phoenicians certainly wouldn't have believed that humans would one day send a spacecraft to the moon and back. We cannot predict the future of science or technology, so we can only make an effort and see if any time travelers come to our convention.

Well this answer could be the answer to all questions really. Of course the Greeks didn't forsee the technology we have today. Did people in 1980 know that Bill Cosby's sweaters would one day be iconic? Of course they didn't. I love his reference to the Phonecians too.

Another mind blower:

I'm from the present, and I'd like to attend, but I can't
No worries! If time travel is invented in your lifetime, you can always come later. Even if it isn't, we'll have pictures and video up at this site within a week after the Convention

So anyone can attend this party at any given time. So when I am riding around on my hoverboard (Back to the Future 2 style) in 2023 I can hover to the local mall hop in the time machine and attend.

And the kicker:

Can't the time travelers just hear about it from the attendees, and travel back in time to attend?
Yes, they can! In fact, we think this will happen, and the small number of adventurous time travelers who do attend will go back to their "home times" and tell all their friends to come, causing the convention to become a Woodstock-like event that defines humanity forever.Unfortunately, we of the present (2005) don't have time travel, and so we only have one chance at observing the convention. If the time travelers don't leave us their secrets, we won't be able to go back in time and see our convention in all its glory unless it is publicized in advance.

This is the type of story that should be headlined on prime time news programs. Fuck the Runaway Bride and who gives a shit about Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. This guy could be bullshitting us all as well, and if he is...he is a complete genius. If he isn't already famous to the world he is famous in my book. My book says that if you put your name in google images and an actual picture of yourself comes up than you are a J level celebrity.

Another entertaining line from the AP story:

To spread the word, Dorai asked friends to scribble invitations on pieces of acid-free paper and slip them into obscure library books. He is also giving media interviews and posting his thoughts on a Web site

Acid free paper is a bad idea because taking acid is actually a way to travel through time. I traveled back in time to hang out with John Wilkes Booth when I was on acid once. He wasn't a bad guy...the real reason he shot Lincoln: "I just didn't like his nose man...and I couldn't stand that deplorable HAT!" That is an actual quote from John Wilkes Booth.

Here is my boy WILKSEY:http://www.virtualcities.com/ons/tx/y/as/txy60a2b.jpg

POSTER TIIIIMMMMEEEE!!!!!

AMERICA! FUCK YEAH!
http://www.impawards.com/1986/delta_force.html

Gene Wilder ripped off a concept and poster from one of his own movies!
http://www.impawards.com/1986/haunted_honeymoon.html

note: Gene Wilder is a comic genius...i dont meant to disrespect him

Guess who's coming? A ridiculous Australian stereotype!
http://www.impawards.com/1988/crocodile_dundee_ii.html

Word to you Grandmother

Thursday, May 05, 2005

Hey there Mr. Brontosaurus...thanks for all that you've done for us

Denise Coke Arrested on Cocaine Charges

ROSEVILLE, Mich. - A woman identified by authorities as Denise Coke was arrested after a drug-sniffing dog discovered 33 pounds of cocaine in her vehicle. Roseville police acting on a tip gave Michigan State Police the description of a vehicle allegedly containing drugs. Coke, 25, of Detroit was arrested after being pulled over for speeding Tuesday night on Interstate 696. Coke was arraigned Wednesday on a charge of possession with intent to deliver more than 1,000 grams of cocaine, punishable by up to life in prison upon conviction. A judge set her bond at $1 million. Roseville Police Chief Richard Heinz said the cocaine had a street value of $7 million to $8 million, but the drugs' destination was not immediately known.

Come on Denise...you had it coming for you. 8 mill with of cocaina! Maybe the best headline of the year so far.

NO...I WAS TOTALLY WRONG...this is even better.

Carjack Suspect Reports 'His' Car Stolen

BALTIMORE - A suspect takes a car at gunpoint and drives it around for two weeks before the owner spots the car and has it towed. The thief then calls police to report "his" car stolen. Those events seemed so improbable that Baltimore police detective Gregory Jenkins felt compelled to end his report of the incident with the admonition, "Again, this really happened." "Another detective told me, 'Greg, you had to make this up,'" the detective told The (Baltimore) Sun. Police charged Gregory Alston, 20, Tuesday with armed robbery, possession of a stolen car and a handgun violation. Police say the carjacking occurred about 10:30 p.m. on April 20 when two women reported that a man armed with a silver handgun and wearing a black bandanna approached them while they were parked on a street in northeast Baltimore. The women said the gunman ordered them out of their car and sped off. Tuesday, one of the women spotted the stolen car in front of an apartment building about a half-mile from where it had been taken. She called police who towed it to the department's Northeast District station. Two hours later, a man called police and reported the car stolen. Officers brought the man back to the station for questioning. At first, police said, he insisted he had bought the car for $1,700 on March 11. Eventually, he confessed to the robbery. Why did he report it stolen? The suspect told police he had left his wallet in the car.

I totally understand why this genius contacted the police to let them know that the car he stole was "re-stolen." He forgot his wallet, as well as that black thing robbers wear around their eyes to conceal their identity, a huge canvas bag with a dollar sign on it, and his black skull cap.

As for the Sixers does anyone remember them having any kind of expectations coming into this season? Where they even expected to make the playoffs? NO they weren't. They weren't even expected to crack the .500 mark. So the journalists in Philly can't even crack a fucking smile? To my knowledge this was the year that Jim O'brien was brought in to calm the storm that was brought on by Iverson's feud with Chris Ford towards the end of 2003-2004 season. I thought he was stepping into a no pressure situation considering the players that he had to work with. So when we show a little promise, and Iverson starts to garner attention with his stellar numbers people start throwing stones when something goes wrong. Look at the roster! Josh Davis was getting serious minutes at the beginning of the season and people are complaining. HE HAD NOBODY especially when Glenn Robinson decided to establish himself as just another selfish athlete who wouldn't bow down to a rookie. Speaking of this rookie, who started all 82 games this season, did more than he could to make the team better. MARC JACKSON was starting at one point this past season. Did you watch Marc with a C throughout the playoffs? He was horrendous with a C, and got his shit eaten by Big Ben WALLY everytime he went to the hole.
So when I see this headline in the Daily News I get wild: O'brien sees answers in 1st year; Donnellon sees questions. WHAT QUESTIONS? We exceeded expectations, went 8 for 10 as we pushed for a higher playoff seed at the end of the season, and played damn well against the defending champs. Bitch about Webber all you want, but Kenny Thomas wasn't exactly carrying us into the promised land either. Everyone please stop complaining, and look forward to next season...Iverson is and so should you.

POSTER TIIIIMMMEEEE !!!!!

I think MR. T wore that on a chain at one point:
http://www.impawards.com/1983/d_c_cab.html

I taped myself having sex with a teenager!! YEEAAAAHHHH!
http://www.impawards.com/1984/oxford_blues.html

Don't tell me its Guttenburg:
http://www.impawards.com/1990/dont_tell_her_its_me_ver2.html

I' m out like Kellen Winslow's carrer

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

Truth hits everybody

Raw Goods:

From an ABC Newsfeed:
A ROBOT SUIT HAS BEEN DEVELOPED IN JAPAN AND WILL BE UNVEILED AT THE WORLD EXPO THERE NEXT MONTH. THE RESULT OF 10 YEARS WORK, THE SUIT INTEGRATES MECHANICS, BIONICS AND ROBOTICS THAT WILL GIVE ITS WEARER FREEDOM OF MOVEMENT AND SUPER STRENGTH. MORE FROM ABC'S JON BASCOM.

VERBATIM: BASCOM: 30 YEARS AGO TV WRITERS IMAGINED A BIONIC, SIX MILLION DOLLAR MAN NATS: "GENTLEMEN WE CAN REBUILD HIM...WE HAVE THE ECHNOLOGY... BASCOM: NOW A SCIENTIST IN JAPAN HAS CREATED A SUIT NICKNAMED HAL... NATS: "JUST WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING , DAVE?" BASCOM: NO, NOT THAT HAL, THIS STANDS FOR HYBRID ASSISTIVE LIMB. IT'S AN EXOSKELETON THAT STRAPS MOTORS TO YOUR LEGS AND ARMS. SENSORS ON YOUR SKIN. A COMPUTER IN YOUR BACKPACK. THE SENSORS DETECT WHEN YOU WANT TO MOVE A MUSCLE AND THE SUIT DOES IT. A POTENTIAL BOON FOR THE ELDERLY OR PEOPLE WITH SPINAL CORD INJURIES. JON BASCOM, ABC NEWS.


A picture:http://dn-weekly.kiev.ua/photo/1103296105JAPAN-ROBOT-SUIT_AFP.jpg

Have you ever seen Terminator 2 people? If you don't think that this has been military tested you're fooling yourself. Ohhh... Google Images comes through again with further proof:http://dica35.donga.com/zero/data/military/BLEEX.jpg . This suit will help the wearer obtain "super powers" and will make you so lazy that it moves your legs for you. And I thought Segways were a sign of the apocalypse:http://www.cyril.redhummer.com/Segway/Segway%20004.jpg .
These "exoskeletons" will be available to the public within the next couple years and will range from 14,000 to 19,000 beans. This means that they will show up on MTV cribs and rappers will start tricking them out to one up one another. When Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan start sporting one they will be covered in pink rhinestones. Can't you just see Baby from Cash Money Millionaires walking around his mansion in his "plantinum plated exo" He will
rapping:
"Make sure your right when you see them hoes
I keep em excited with that platinum plated EXO"

Shaq already has one:http://www.comicscontinuum.com/stories/0103/13/steel.jpg

I was watching Top Gun the other day and two things struck me funny. First was the ridiculous amount of sweating that went on during this movie. Was this done to heighten intensity? I have no idea, but I do know that I have never seen more sweat beads dripping off actors who weren't in a porno. The other thing that I always notice is that the lone black pilot's name is: SUNDOWN. http://www.aviatorsunglasses.net/images/top_gun2.jpg . Come on brother! The result of all of this is the actor who played SUNDOWN was the supporting character on Walker Texas Ranger. Clarence Gilyard played the sheriff who was able to communicate with Chuck Norris through ESP. Here you go: http://images.art.com/images/PRODUCTS/large/10102000/10102198.jpg .

POSTER TIME !!!!!!!!

A reason to get up in the morning:
http://images.art.com/images/products/large/10120000/10120544.jpg

Why isn't Reynolds still a big star?:
http://www.impawards.com/1973/shamus.html

New Jersey:
http://www.impawards.com/1981/blood_beach_ver1.html

I'm out like the Whooping Cough

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

the weak become heroes

Asians Disappear On Primetime TV
A UCLA study released today (Monday) has concluded that Asian Americans are virtually invisible on primetime TV. The study, conducted for the National Asian Pacific American Legal Consortium, found that not a single regular character in CBS's entire line-up is Asian and that those Asians who do appear on primetime programs are generally relegated to minor roles on dramas. Writers of the study particularly praised ABC's Lost, which includes a South Asian character and a Korean couple who speak Korean (with English subtitles) on screen. It further noted that Asians are generally hired to play super-intelligent individuals, thereby reinforcing stereotypes. "I think we were expecting that there would be a discrepancy between white and Asian actors, just by watching television ourselves over the years," Nancy Yuen, who headed the survey, told the Associated Press. "But we were surprised by the extent of the discrepancy. ... They're rarely on. Even if they're part of the regular cast, it's a subordinate role." (FROM IMDB.COM)

Where have all the Asians gone? It's completely true. Have you ever seen and American movie or television show where the Asian characters were significant? The Asian cast member on the Real World never has an episode that centers around them. Jamie from San Diego is a perfect example. So I have decided the name the top 10 Asian characters from televison or film. The fact that there are so little roles to begin with is why I have to combine the two mediums here. Only American made Films and television shows qualify to make the list, and there roles can be so minimal that they are non-speaking or get killed very early in the show/movie. So here it goes:

10: ART CHUDABALA: http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0160988/
Movie: Gleaming the Cube
This is Christian Slater's adopted Asian brother who is killed within the first ten minutes of the film by the Asian Mafia. Typical Asian Role: adopted, killed, american last name. Christian Slater's character has an underrated training montage in this film that is reminiscent of Kevin Bacon's peaking as a dancer in Footloose. They both train alone in dusty places to perfect something that is totally insignificant towards the end of the film. Christian falls off the skateboard and Bacon falls on the floor, but they both get up dust off and get back to training alone in the dark. See how insignificant that Asian role was? I had nothing to write about the Asian, but could go on for days about these training segments.

9: SIMON RHEE:http://www.isastunts.com/bios/simon.rhee.html
Movie: BEST OF THE BEST
Simon plays Dae Han, who might be one of the more intimidating movie villains of all time. He wears a bad ass patch and is willing to kill anyone he faces in the Tae Kwon Doe ring. This dude just snaps necks without remorse. The movies also contains one of the most overacted scenes of all time. Eric Roberts gets his shoulder popped out by Dae Han and is lying in excruciating pain on the mat. He needs that shoulder back in his socket so when his boy Tommy comes over to help him he SCREAMS, "POP ET TOMMMMMY!" He is overracting so bad in this scene he might actually hurt himself. See this Asian is nowhere to be found by the end of this paragraph.

8,7: VICTOR WONG:http://www.newsreview.com/issues/sacto/2001-10-18/cover-6.jpg .
Movies: Tremors and Big Trouble in Little China
This legend gets numbers 7 and 8 because he showed his asian acting chops in two good roles. In Tremors he plays asian store owner stereotype:VICTOR WONG, who gets killed pretty early in the film by a creature that comes up through the floor of his store and eats him. In Big Trouble in Little China he helps Kurt Russel throughout the whole film. The movie is a cult classic that I used to love when I was a kid.

6: Bolo Yeoung: http://loserville.us/~chad_ghost/bloodsport8.jpg
Movie: BLOODSPORT
Maybe the most bloated, scariest, ripped to shreds bad guy of all time. No way the coked up Van Damme could have defeated Bolo in real life. His character created one of the best movie chants of all time: CHONG LI! CHONG LI! CHONG LI! I don't think he has any lines throughout the whole movie...only death screams when he stomps on people's necks. He fights dirty too. He throws dust in Van Damme's eyes during the final fight scene prompting Jean Claude to overact while he tries to pretend that his vision is blurred. This scene is one of the reasons movies like this are so great. If you haven't seen this in a while you need to see it again...just watch FX at like 4 am.

5: Elliot Cho: http://boosanta.typepad.com/photos/uncategorized/ferrell.jpg
Movie: Kicking and Screaming
This movie hasn't even been released yet, but the previews tell all. This kid pops up for about 10 seconds total in the trailers for this new Will Ferrell movie and I can't get enough of him. Scenes of him tripping over a soccer ball prompt people to say, "DID YOU SEE THAT CHINESE KID FALL OVER THAT BALL!(Explosion of laughter)" Typical role for an asian actor.

That's all I can come up with for now. If anyone has suggestions please post them. This is alot tougher than I thought it would be man. I even had to snake my way into using one actor for 2 different roles. In case you didn't notice I couldn't think of one TV character to note here. Steve Urkel kept popping up in my head whenever I tried to think of one for some amazing reason.

POSTER TIME:!!!

Only the German Version would have the bad guy on the cover:
http://www.impawards.com/1995/die_hard_with_a_vengeance_ver4.html

Box Office Poision:
http://www.impawards.com/1992/toys_ver2.html

Hollywood will remake this in about 5 years:
http://www.impawards.com/1994/air_up_there.html

PEACE