Saturday, May 07, 2005

Bean Envy

My family once had a pug who only had one descended testicle. He always seemed quite self conscious about this, and if he caught you looking at his deformity he would immediately sit down to hide this inconvenience. When we decided to get him neutured he lost a piece of his soul, and was never the same. Actually we got this pooch from a breeder and I am convinced that he was inbred. Maybe the dumbest pug in the history of time.
As the internet grows so does the psychology of the domesticated animal. There are dog psychologists (I can hear nails on a chalkboard when I even type that statement) who will let you know if your doggy is suffering from post traumatic syndrome or even "middle child syndrome." We see celebrities carrying "vanity dogs" down the red carpet in Chanel dog bags. More people probably know Paris Hilton's dogs name than they do the Vice President's. Let's face it people canines are cool these days, and we are beginning to treat them more and more like real people.
There was a comedian who did a great bit about how ludicrous white people are about their animals. He talked about how dogs from the hood just get up and dust themselves off when they are hit by a car. I forget who did this bit, but it should be played on Animal Planet at least once a day, and it should pop up on the net before you click on this website:
That's right ladies and germs you can now get your dog some NEUTICLES, which are fake testicles, if your dog is ashamed that he has been neutered. A genius question from the website:
My vet said my dog wont know that he's missing anything. Is that true?
People know their beloved pet. Their pet can tell them when they are hungry, want to play, don't feel well, hide when approaching the vet's office or will get excited when driving by or going to the park- why wouldn't the pet know a familiar body part is missing? Would he know if his foot was cut off? Of course he would- its only common sense.

Of course your dog feels belittled around other dogs who have testicles...that's why dogs are constantly up each others dog butts. They are always checking the genital region to see if other dogs are up to speed. Your dog does care if he has been neutered just like he cares that he licks this neutered region in the middle of the family room so everyone can see.
People fear the inevitable red rocket that your dog likes to show off and supposedly neutering your dog can slowly but surely all but eliminate this problem. So would these neuticles bring that red rocket back to prominence? That isn't a question that is asked on the webiste. But there are some great media quotes about neuticles, and yes Rush Limbaugh is a huge supporter of these fake beans:

The ASPCA implores pet owners to neuter- but what about the emasculated pet? Now there's Neuticles!"
The Daily Show
Didn't they know the Daily Show, which is genius, was making fun of them?

"Neuticles are just plain neat!"
Rush Limbaugh
No I didn't make that one up

"Neutered dogs have new reason to bark."
The Idaho Stateman
Only in Idaho

"A re-invention of the mousetrap."
Paul Harvey, radio personality
This is my favorite quote...hands down.

This is all our fault. I don't think products like this would survive without the internet. If you can by a cheeto that looks like the virgin mary then you can by some fake dog balls. I forgot to mention that they have a jewelry section:
Put this on your will never lose them:
I'm getting one of these...or maybe I need TWO!


Another Sinbad classic:

YOU will sit in silence after seeing this:

VERY VERY BAD IDEA...I remember being scared of this:



KC said...

I forgot to mention the amazing dissing your dog will ferrel skit on SNL

ERL said...

why am i not surprised that limbaugh uses the word "neat"

Suz said...

Erl is that your girl? She is pretty!