Sunday, December 03, 2006

My mind has changed my bodys frame, but God I like it

Many Philadelphians exit this gorgeous smelling city when their work or play day is over by traveling along the Vine Street Expressway/ I-676/The Gateway to Hell. This is a semi-underground roadway that takes no prisoners, and laughs in the face of those who signal when they switch lanes. It can be very convenient if you don't feel like dealing with brake lights while trudging through Center City; however it can also be viewed as another dimension on the verge of an apocalyptic meltdown.
Some choose to travel at ludicrous speeds along 676 causing their headlights to trail as they whiz by your vehicle, and some decide that there is no need to travel over 25 MPH. There is no peace or common ground along the Vine Street. Most of the travelers don't even let you know if they are doing a three lane change at 87MPH because there must be an invisible sign before you get on the road that tells drivers they are prohibited from using their turn signals.
The atmosphere of 676 is reminiscent of the wild car chases in the Mad Max movies. You know where people are swinging axes from the hoods of vehicles as they take out other cars along the roadway. People should start attaching missile launchers to the hoods of their cars if they plan to make it home safely.
City Council should a pass a law allowing the for the installment of heavy duty BOSE speakers along 676 so they can blast speed metal as people are flying or crawling down the road. This would make the experience more fitting and harrowing at the same time. Imagine cruising down the Vine Street with your windows open listening to listening to some Sepultura? You would be taking out Dodge Neons in no time.
There are reports of ghost cars traveling along this highway as well as coffins with wheels traveling over 70 MPH. There is no escaping the Vine Street because it can easily knock a few minutes off of your commute. What should we all do then?
Join the club. Paint gnarly looking flames on your car and tie some sort of animal/human carcass to your bumper. The flames don't even have to flame colored; neon green would work well. Hire a shirtless goon with a nose ring to sit atop your hood while he swings a spiked bat at other vehicles passing by. Smash all of the windows out of your car along with your head and brake lights. Get an anarchy symbol tattooed to your forehead and take the ride baby…take the ride.

7 comments:

J. said...

my BMX Mongoose eats Dodge Neons late night !

tbpickens said...

I'd like to be cast in the role of shirtless goon please. Except I'd rather throw feces from the hood of our toyota prius while blasting Primus and call us the Primitive Prius Primus.

elle_rigby said...

I saw a Nissan with white flames painted on it yesterday. On Walnut and 58th, as he rearended Stephanie's Volvo.

It may just be a coincidence that he, who drove 89mph and Stephanie, who drives 24mph collided... on the other hand, you, Kevin, may be staging small scale accidents all over the city of Philadelphia in order to get your point across.

KC said...

I am like MR. GLASS

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