Random Ben Has Moved
13 years ago
Friday, March 04, 2005
metamucil
My recent ass prolbems that I have been having: sore ass, bloody TP, overall discomfort...it was suggested that I should start taking metamucil. You know those fiber pills that look like dirt from the school yard in little plastic capsules. Well you are told to take 6 of these horse pills at a time. So I have been taking these things for about 2 days and I hadn't seen any sort of significant change. I actually have been more constipated that usual, which was worrying me. The metamucil is supposed to soften your "stool" to make it easier on the way out. I felt like my shit was coming out in the form of the huge die that they give you with the cattegories game. You know it's hard and 26 sided.
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Well I pushed the wrong button and published my post to soon...back to the story. So I hadn't dropped some heat in a while so of course at 530am...AT WORK...I get the urge. It wasn't the nervous diahrea(sp?) urge, but something just wasn't right. I felt excited and scared at the same time. Like the first time making love? NO..more like the first time you bring someone "undesirable" back to your dorm room. You know this could work out to your advantage, but the repurcussions?
SO of course there is one toilet in the disgusting bathroom. I feel like grade school kids are hired to come in everyday to piss anywhere but the urinals. And someone is in the bathroom, but I can hear them brushing their teeth. (I sit dangerously close to the door) No way am I going to bust in there and take a metamucil dump with a co-worker brushing his teeth. So I wait...and wait...and suddenly these little air biscuits start popping out. Not stinkbombs...no stink at all actually...just little POOTS. Now I am starting to worry, and feel like I am stoned and everyone is looking at me while I POOT away. So the fresh breathed co-worker walks out of the bathroom...I grab the sports page... fold it so I dont look too obvious and make a move. I almost didn't get the paper cover down, but I made it.
WOW...maybe the smoothest poop I have ever taken. No strain. No pain. All vehicles were on cruise control on the hershey highway. I was shocked...I was waiting for a DUMB and DUMBER experience. It didn't take long because everything was in order, and I wasn't grimacing as I cleaned up. I suggest this stuff to EVERYONE. I's a good source of fiber in your diet, and workroom poops won't be so dreadful. My only problem...my dump looked like brown cottonballs. ????
It wasn't the legendaey no wiper, but it wasn't bad at all. The no wiper is a gift from the gods for all to behold. I bet everytime that happens you get ass that night.
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