I have missed you all...dearly.

Sorry for the delay everyone...I know that I took away about ten minutes of time you could have wasted at work, and I am sorry. What was I doing all last week? Butt surgery. I got a spinchterotomy. Am I lying? NO. Was it painful? Yes, but more of a relief than anything. They had to repair a tear in my spinchter muscle which explains why I have been taking the metamucil. All of you meatheads wondering if this is a result of my being gay...I am now even gayer than before. At least I got to sit home for a week and do nothing but watch TV and wish that I had digital cable. Some things I noticed with the time off:

-Why do I constantly watch MTV? The whole thought of the show Room Raiders boils my blood, but I can't stay away. The show consists of girls searching for gizz stains on some dude's sheets with a black light, and guys looking through girls underwear drawers as they hold back from taking a sniff. Maybe that's why I watch.

-Does HBO play Space Jam once a week? I find myself watching at least 10 minutes each time. It is always the end scene as Bill Murray sits in the stands with Larry Bird after Jordan comes back from the cartoon world. Then the credits roll with Seal's cover of Steve Miller's Fly Like and Eagle. Have you ever noticed this phenomenon? You are flipping through the channels and always catch the same scene of a movie or the same episode of a TV show. I never got into Saved By the Bell, but everytime I turned it on it was the episode where Jesse Spano gets addicted to caffiene pills. She breaks down to her friends as she is singing "I'm so excited and I just can't hiiiiiiiddddeeeeee it" This scene is obviously the reason she landed the lead in Showgirls. Baywatch was another show that I never watched, but everytime I turned it on it was the episode where Hobie was in a band and an earthquake hit right before he was about to bust out a mean keyboard solo. Someone at a huge state college has done a thesis on this phenomen..I bet they got a B-.

-For the second year in a row I snaked my way into being home for the tournament. Last year I had quit my job before the madness began. So for 6 consecutive years I have been able to sit on a couch for 17 hours and watch college hoops...Amazing. The previous four years I was in college and decided not to go to my fingerpainting classes on the first two rounds of the tourney. All of you who picked Syracuse to go to the Final Four I don't feel bad for you. McNamara is OVERRATED like Sal Smith was. In fact Sal Smith was better than McNamara and his dad was the coach so he got even more P.T. than Jerry. He is a streaky shooter, and when you have money on a game and he goes 4/67 from the three point line he begins to suck even more. He is slow, not a great ball handler, and looked lost sometimes this year. His father looks like the type who made Jerry shoot 500 free throws after a triple overtime game because he went 11/12 from the charity stripe. Whenever the camera was on his dad he was scowling and his wife had a look on her face like she was going to get hate fucked that night if the 'Cuse lost. Case in point the Vermont game...this kid dribbles it off the side of his foot at halfcourt to force the turnover. They won that national championship because of Melo and Warrick...not Jerry. I know he made some threes, but he shot his load 2 years ago in the tourney as has been downhill ever since. Positives from that Vermont game:

Taylor Coppenwrath looks like Chewbacca.

And Sorrentine (the white guard #11) is SICK. The dude is an absolute gun...give him and NBA TRYOUT! Woody Paige sweats him too...Woody accidentaly said on Cold Pizza the other day that watching Vermont is even better after pulling some tubes and popping in a MOE concert bootleg while turning the sound on the TV all the way down.

-Almost all of the underdogs covered the spread in the first round. They day where a 16 seed beats a 1 seed is upon us.

Props to Delaware State for exposing how horrible Shavlik Randolph is. They kept pulling the man he was covering out to beat him off the dribble, and Shavlik looked like he was on ice skates. This dude was an NBA PROSPECT coming out of high school. Are you kidding me? Is it his funny name? He has a weird enough name to be on the REAL WORLD, but not enough to change a game. If Delaware State could shoot they could have won that game.

-The first two rounds are the best...hands down.

-I recently discovered that Wisc. Milwaukee's coach, Bruce Pearl, has some beef with the fighting Illini. When he was an assistant for Iowa some years back he wore a bug to expose a recruiting scandal at the University of Illinois. Why hasn't ESPN picked up on this story? Don't they love stuff like this? Bob Ley will be happy to do an Outside the Lines on it. He must be sick of doing coach -player sex abuse stories...the dude has to do one every other week. Pretty soon his is going to have to tell everyone in his neighborhood that HE is a sex offender. Can't wait to watch that game. I like Illinois to win outright and cover the spread, which is currently 10.5.

-When is Stephen A Smith going to be parodied on the Chapelle Show?

-Why did I rent I, Robot?

Well I am glad to be back to work..honestly.

I'm out like a boner in sweatpants.