Saturday, April 21, 2007

i know you love to hear yourself speak words that you think i can't follow

You finger through your boring non-electronic mail and stumble upon a magazine/periodical that was sent from your old high school. They usually have clever names like: The Intelligencer, The Explorer, The Book With Pictures Of People Who Donated money, etc. They come about once a month to remind you that it is time to donate money.
These 'zines' tend to be filled with black and white glossy photos of people at fundraisers and sporting events. They read like the directions on your latest bottle of meds and none of the 'articles' are really worth reading or even perusing. There is usually a pic of some old head from the class of '25 at the homecoming game as he is being held up by a piece of galvanized steel. He raises one bony finger in the air to represent his school spirit; however he really is trying let his kids know that he did a number one in his pants.
You will flip through just about every page in these books until you reach the end.
That is when theses zines turn into letters from your old classmates letting you know that their lives are ten times better than yours. You are forced to read down the list of people from your graduating class and learn what they are up to these days. They usually read like this:

Trent Leatherberry '99 : Trent is now married to some ridiculously hot chick from high school that never noticed you in the first place. He drives a fast black car and just bought a huge house on the beach. He has been dominating at his job since he first walked in the place and is expecting to have a gorgeous little baby in the fall. Trent has recently donated a shit-load of money to the school and we are currently blowing him.

Marcus Beefheart '99 : Marcus has completed medical school at Georgetown and is currently working on curing all cancers. Marcus always had a huge penis; therefore we knew he would never let us down. He just got engaged to the hottest woman in Brazil, and they are set to get married in the fall. Did we mention he has a ridiculously huge penis?

This is when you are sitting at your parent's kitchen table (because you still live there) and realize that your life means NOTHING. Everyone else is making moves and babies and you are in the back seat still waiting for someone to pass the grass. You don't even make enough money to rent a studio apartment, and Trent and Marcus are running shit.
Does your high school know what they are doing to you? Don't they know that you aren't running the race like the rest of them?
Of course they do, and that's why they want you to join the race. You join the race, you make some loot, you get a double income….YOU DONATE MONEY.
Someone needs to put an end to these demeaning zines. They should just take out the last five pages so we don't have to look into the past to see that we have no future. I would try to put an end to all this, but I am WAYYYY to lazy. Good luck Trent and Marcus.


SIDENOTE:
TV On The Radio played one of the best shows in the history of time Friday night. That's all I have to say about that.

3 comments:

J. said...

trent wasn't able to make the tv on the radio show ...he was way busy blowing lines off some vegas hooker at his end of the year meeting...
i was too busy trying to pretend i was in college again with my little brother
marcus is so boring - we all know he has a huge rod - and we all know he is boring and has never strayed from his only on saturday evenings after reruns of JAG missionary style.

Anonymous said...

I think Trent Leatherberry has a sister. In fact I know she does because remember when Chucky Funderburke nailed her under the bleachers at the walk-a-thon?

Gelled Up Guy

KC said...

Who is this anonymous person! Trent is so sweet.