Sunday, July 23, 2006

The Road Don't Like Me

Due to the apocalytpic weather conditions sweeping through Philly and New Jersey it's only a matter of time that a legend "could" be spawned. This is a clip from's (local news) website:

The sky quickly went from beautiful and sunny to dark and stormy as the rain began falling shortly after 4 p.m. on Saturday and parts of Southern New Jersey received much of the wrath.

A strike of lightning caused a bizarre accident in Burlington County late Saturday evening. A 13-year-old boy was shocked while playing an electric guitar when his home was hit by a bolt of lightning in Springfield. The teenager suffered some burns to his hands but he is expected to be okay.

This 13 year old has no idea what path lies before him. A gift from the rock gods has been sent to New Jersey, but this gift can only be opened if this 13 year old fully realizes his new powers. Does this kid know what this means? Does he have any idea that he could be able to shoot lighting from his amp someday?

This power from above that has been bestowed on this boy could go in multiple directions. He could use these new found powers to be one of the greatest guitar players in the world, or he can become one of the gnarliest guitar players to ever rule the land of Death Metal.

The fact that he is from New Jersey could be an obstacle in itself. He could grow up without ever cutting his hair and form a metal band called Skull Fuck. Skull Fuck's lyrics will be riddled with satanic refernces, and they will become and popular among the Death Metal scene, but thats about it.

Some asshole 14 year old, also from New Jersey, will take the lyrics too seriously and show up at junior high with an uzi. Another idiot 12 year old from the Garden State will find a Skull Fuck record in his older brothers collection, which will prompt him to molest the family pet. (It could be any pet...even a ferret)

Skull Fuck will refernce the fact that their lead guitar player obtained his amazing skills through a "mighty force of nature" in just about all of their songs. Their first album cover will have a skeleton holding a guitar like it's his cock in a proud, yet suggestive stance. The guitar will be spewing lighting bolts that will be reminiscent of sperm.

If this 13 year old doesn't go the death metal route he could eventually be a part of rock and roll folklore. Like The Natural his skills will be the product of a force of nature. The legendary bat used in The Natural was made from a tree that was struck by lightning. This boy could be the Roy Hobbs of rock.

He will appear out of the darkness in a smokey bar one night and take charge of an open mic night. He will play like no one in the world has ever played and the crowd will be reduced to tears as his fingers emit electricity that moves the bar patrons. A struggling independent music label owner will be at the bar that night and discover him.

This new legend will be known as Hobbs. Internet geeks will debate for years that the name was taken from Calvin and Hobbes comic strips. They will not even know about The Natural at that point in time.

One night when he is the musical guest on Conan O'Brien he will reveal the origin of his name, which will spawn even more internet controversy. He will also reveal that he gained these musical superpowers from a bolt of lightning causing hipsters across the world to write him off as an overrated mutant.

This young man know has a tremendous burden on his shoulders. His music could change the world. His music could also lead to destruction. Let's hope that we are hearing the latest from Hobbs in the year 2025.


jackbrizzity said...

I think if this kid goes the skull fuck way, he could end up on tour with Bitchson. If he goes the other way, he may be taken under the wing of Santana or Joe Satriani and make a christmas album that would make Ho, Ho, Hoey sound like a bowl of rice crispies

KC said...

Bitchson is a great band. Maybe they could your with Goblin Cock.

J. said...

KC !!!
i used to have the blog book marked on my old computer
then i got a new one and peace to me checking in on the blog
shoot me an email let me know what ur up too
we are blog buddies

ERL said...

i cant see how being from NJ could be anything BUT a sevveeerre roadblock in anyones future

KC said...

YOUR BACK...NJ is for haters....