Friday, April 21, 2006

You look like David Bowie, but you've nothing new to show me

Snakes on a Train

I have talked about Bar Demons before making for uncomfortable situations, but I have another species of annoying humans: Train Snakes. They can demolish your morning no matter what day of the week it is. It could be Friday, and you could be leaving at lunch for a bullshit podiatrist appointment,and your day could still be reduced to rubble. You could be sitting in the window seat all alone in a three seater and a snake will make the beautiful landscape you are scoping look like the post apocalyptic mayhem in the Mad Max movies. Like real snakes they are stealthy and have no idea how much people fear them. Here they are:

The Snapper: The snapper is socially inept. There is no stopping the snapper's lips from flapping. The snapper can't control the volume of his/her voice, nor can they control the anxiety that the other passengers feel when they step on the train. They will talk about ludicrous bullshit like what their kids were wearing this morning as they stepped out to ride the big yellow. The snapper especially loves mondays because then they can talk about every single detail from last night's Soprano's episode. "Do you think Vito is going to get WHACKED?" I wonder if Carmella has a new found love for Tony post-shooting?"
Imagine someone screaming this aloud to the person next to them when all you want to do is sit in silence and wallow in your monday misery. The snapper has the ability to break sound barriers. How? No matter how loud you turn up the volume of your Ipod they will ring through, and not even think twice about it. Snappers will be sued in the future by Apple for the hearing loss that their product causes. It's the snapper's fault we are all going to be deaf by 2013.

Crust Man: Crust man is also not to keen on social situations. Why? Hygiene. Crust man, unlike the snapper has to be sitting close to you to affect your ride. He is most effective when sitting directly in front of you so you can stare at the huge white flakes falling out of his hair onto your pants. Crust man wears the white button-up with pit stains as bright as the shining sun. He wears orthopedic shoes that squeak even if he wiggles his toes beneath his crusty white tube socks. Crust man loves indirectly bumping into victims as he waddles through the aisle. This is how he spreads his snake venom, which is similar to real snakes that spit venom at their prey.
Crust man is usually the IT guy at the office, which isolates him even more from society. This doesn't help his acknowledgement of the grease dripping from his hair. Crust man enjoys drive thru fast food and collecting Doctor Who merchandise. (That has nothing to do with him riding on the train, but you just know it by looking at him)

Ambivalence Woman: Ambivalence woman pretends that her kid doesn't exist despite the fact that they are firing game boy cartridges at the other passengers. She usually looks out the window as her child reeks havoc on other riders. Ambivalence woman's kid usually is the ADD poster child. You know the shoes that light up everytime they take a step. The constant questions that ambivalence woman doesn't even attempt to answer.
Her kids knows no boundaries when it comes to ruining the lives of others. Every once is a while ambivalence woman loses her shit causing her to beat her child without mercy for about 5 seconds making the rest of the train refrain from a thunderous applause. This doesn't last long though. Then the child begins to hysterically cry causing the mother to continue staring out the window pretending her own flesh and blood isn't even next to her.

Being all the train with all three of these snakes can make you jump in front on the train instead of on it. There should be a special car on the train labeled: SNAKES ONLY.

9 comments:

E to the J said...

KC you totally forgot about the Squeegee. The squeegee is the man or woman who is about 46 lbs overweight, with an ass that you could rest a thanksgiving dinner upon who carries 7 cumbersome bags with them, filled with what I have no idea (bearclaws, probably). Either way, the squeegee is ALWAYS out of breath from high blood pressure, an overabundance of happy meals and carrying the aforementioned 7 bags as they powerwalk to the train. Inevitably, this doosh will squeeze their fat ass into a slice of open seat next to you that is barely big enough for a starved, coked-up social debutante to fit into. When they squeeze in, your eye balls get a little tight in their sockets from lack of air and when you are forced to get out of your seat for need of oxygen, they look at YOU like you’re the one disturbing the peace

KC said...

The squeegee is related to crust man/woman. A crusty squeegee is cause for serious concern.

John Spartan said...

Yo what about the homeless guy who is sleeping across a three-seater. This guy smells so damn awful that the entire car is empty except for those few who can tolerate it. If a crowded train pulls up and this empty car stops in front of you, you know you gotta run to the next car and try to squeeze in with all the norms.

KC said...

Don't write those things about your father john spartan.

jackbrizzity said...

I like the possible postal. This guy looks like he might snap if you sit anywhere near him. He is usually wearing a short sleaved shirt and a tie, glasses and has been working the same job for 20 years. Similar to Michael Douglas in Falling Down.

Anaps said...

You have not mentioned anything about cell phones...which aid in THE most annoying situations where you would rather slit your own wrists just so you dont have to hear the spanish girl next to you on her nextel on SPEAKERPHONE tell her boyfriend that she will beat his ass when she gets home if he does not replace her Marc Anthony cd that he borrowed.

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tejas tim said...

i miss public transportation

elle_rigby said...

I think the kicker might be if any of these people slip a notecard into your hand that says, "My name is Brian. I am very shy and wanted to introduce myself to you. Because for the first time in many years I find myself sitting next to a beautiful woman on the train and I can't help but feel I could fall in love with you." That's a red notecard by the way, and this is about an hour out of Philly, on a four hour ride.