Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Don't let your silly dreams...fall in between

Breaking the Wedge

There is an epidemic sweeping throughout drinking establishments in America, and it has been a problem since bars only offered whiskey to scratch your drinking itch. It happens evey night no matter how many people are there or how drunk the patrons are. You will realize it when your back is turned while ordering a drink or simply standing and chatting with a friend. What is the big fuss you ask? BAR DEMONS...thats what. What is a Bar Demon?

Bar Demon\ BAR de MUN\ noun :
One who walks through a bar with no regard for those standing within a 2 foot radius. Bar Demons have the ability to cause chaos for those trying to enjoy a night out. Bar Demons usually aren't even aware that they are furiously bumping into everyone around them because they are too intoxicated to realize.

There is nothing like standing at the bar and enjoying a drink when you are suddenly struck hit and run style. Your drink is all over your jeans, and you are left looking around like someone threw a spitball at you from the back of the class. Demons have the ability to vanish after they strike. "Excuse me" is not a phrase that Demons hold in their vocabulary. They don't feel the need to be courteous, and thats why they carry the Demon moniker.
They strike at all hours of the night from all angles. They lurk in the shadows of the bathroom line and wait until there is a good crowd to crash through leaving the victims helpless. More mental than physical harm is done by these Demons, but they could care less. They creep through the thick fog and blast the innocent all night without a "Sorry", "My Bad", "My Biscuit" or "Are you OK?"

They are different types of Bar Demons racing throughout the bar circuit. Here are some of the different species:

The Special Teamer:
Usually a smaller female with frizzy hair who goes head down and pushes through the crowd. She doesn't look back nor does she look forward. Her glazy eyes stay fixated on the ground as she shuffles through. She leaves the patrons stunned as she continues to walk away after she knocks you into your friend so hard that your front teeth leave an imprint on their forehead.

The Leaner:
Usually as younger male who cannot hold his liquor or balance past 8 pm. The Leaner has been known to place all of his weight on people waving money at the bartender for attention. He is relentless with his leaning and will not stop until the person in front of him is left on the ground soiled in bar sludge. The Leaner usually finds himself bloodied and toothless in the gutter by the end of the night because of his actions. He is without a doubt the most despised demon.

The Steak:
The Steak is the most powerful demon of them all because of his physical atrributes and demeanor. He walks through the crowd like an ogre who has just ransacked a village of hut-dwellers. He knows he is sending people flying all over the bar, but is fully aware that no one will say peep to him because of his stature. The Steak is usually wearing something form fitting to let everyone know he means business. Some Steaks have been known to let their golden chains hang over the chest hair by undoing the top 3 buttons. Even if the Steaks smashes you...don't say a word to him.

With all these smoking bans being imposed throughout the States you would think they would try to ban Demons. Anyone carrying the traits of a Bar Demon should be immediatley ejected from the bar and sent to jail. No questions asked. These disturbances must stop, and we need to start writing letters to State Reps. to solve this deplorable situation. If they banned Demons people wouldn't even complain about smokey bars. They would be happy knowing they will be guarded from all Demons until the last call.


John Spartan said...

I've been known to demonize the bars once in a while. Even the occasional casino. The first step is admitting it.

KC said...

You might be classified as a special teamer because you bust through with no remorse

DFletcher said...

You forgot to mention the deaded Locomotion Demon. These demons scurry like the rodents in the path created by a lumbering Steak. While one of these Demons may not be harmful by themselves, they tend to grow into trains of 5 or more Demons and are far more Vultron.

Anaps said...

HAD to throw the thing about the gold chains in there eh?
ha very enjoyable i must say...

KC said...

Gold chains are part of the meat makeup